The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this board but have spent the whole day and night reading everything that I can possibly find on the subject of a being a partner of a AH.
I'm going to my first al-anon meeting on thursday night as I realise that enough is enough and I really must get support for myself before I end up having a breakdown. looking back I don't know how my life has got to where it has now. When I first met my partner he was a recovering heroin addict having been clean for 2 1/2 years when we met. He use to drink but not a lot really the odd can of lager here and there.
He wasn't working and I worked long hours so he would sit at home and soon the odd can developed in to 4 or 5 a day. He then got a job working part time and would be finsished by 2pm in the afternoon. Drinking then started when he got in. I thought that he is isn't using heroin any more so it is ok....how wrong could i of been!
I fell pregnant and we had a son, my A gave up his job and soon the drinking turned to cider and would begin mid morning. Over the past 3 years that drinking became earlier and earlier until he was drinking from 9 in the morning until he went to bed. He never seemed drunk though. We did have a very honest relationship and discussed regulary his problem and how we could 'sort it out'. He was open about it and use to share with me his feelings on drinking. We made plans to help him cut down but they never worked. Gradually he was drinking upto 15 cans of cider a day and still rarely seemed drunk. Throughout the whole time I keep it hidden. I never told anyone, not his family or mine or even friends. I kept it hidden believing that we could cure it together, stupidly believing that our love was strong enough to get us through it. How wrong can someone be.
He went to see a counsellor and was given drink diaries - they didn't work. We still were very honest with each other and would often spend hours discussing the situation. I never got angry at him and understood that it was an illness. But still I kept it hidden. We decided to open a shop and thought that that would give him something to do. He only opens it 3 days a week. He was honest with me and told me that he took about 3 cans with him and drank them in the store room. I thought that we had it under control.
Over the past 5 years his drinking has stayed to cider and averages at 10/12 cans a day. A couple of months ago my mum approached me and asked if if was drinking as she had been into the shop and smelt it on him. I told her that yes but lied and said only about 4 a day and that was a one off in the shop (Why did I lie??)
My sister had also approached my mum and said that she had smelt alcohol on my A. I brushed it off and said that he had been to the pub with a friend that lunch time. This week everything has come to a head. I was at work and received a call from his dad. He said that my A had been slurring his words and didn't seem right when he had seen him last. I couldn't take anymore and told him that he was drinking 10 cans a day but we had it under control. He was planning on having a home detox and he was currently on the waiting list. Finally I told someone the truth. My partner said that he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders that his dad knew. However, his dad said that he didn't want to tell my A's mum as he didn't want to worry her. More lies.
Until the weekend i though that we had a strong relationship, I thought that we had trust and honesty between us but friday night my life was shattered. I found empty vodka bottles in his bag. He had come in from the shop absolutely drunk and I had put him to bed. I knew something was different and for the first time ever I went in his rucksack. There I found the bottles. One was half full so I tipped it away and filled it with water. My reason - to see if he would then say anything to me.
The next morning he got up and went to the shop at 7.30am and I follwed him there at about 8am. It took hima while but he asked about the water in the bottle. He then admitted that he has been drinking up to a bottle of vodka a day as well as cider. He said that he couldn't tell me.
My whole world is now shattered. I set myself up really totally believing that we had an honest relationship. He has been in a drunken stuper ever since telling me. He says that he wants to have a detox and not drink.
I took today off of work to try and find help and stumbled across a detox centre nearby where we live. I had a long conversation with them on the phone and they said that he could go in tomorrow for two weeks and be out for xmas. I told my partner about this on the phone this moring while he was at work and he said that it would be too difficult to do before xmas but we could talk about it tonight. We haven't talked tonight, he has just got too drunk and gone to bed.
I don't know how everything has changed so drastically in such a short space of time. What has happened?? I feel totally alone as I can't talk to anyone about the situation. No-one knows how I'm feeling because I won't tell them. I feel like I'm going to crack up soon. I spend my life working long hours, trying to run the home, look after a toddler, not to mention my mother who is not well and by her self as well as dealing with the finances, cooking, cleaning and making amends after my partner. I don't know which way to turn next.
There is a bright side for the first time I have writern it all down and I am going to go to a al-anon meeting this week. I feel much better for this so thank you for giving me the space to do it.
Wow Bear, I so remember being where you are 2 months ago. I have watched the woman I love become a completely different person over the past 6 months. She was so open and caring and loving that I could not imagine ever being with anyone else. But, when her drinking started to control her life, she changed into this selfish, uncaring, person that didn't want anyone to love her because she stopped loving herself. It has been so sad to watch. I felt so alone and so angry at not being able to stop it.
Then I found Alanon and I found this place. I realized that I am truly not alone. I realized that I didn't cause it and I can't change it. That there were many like me who loved and still love someone who suffers from this terrible disease. Just getting all the hurt and anger out has truly helped me start to heal me. I never knew how sick I had become trying to cover up this disease and trying to control it. I have watched myself become a different person to. One that I am not proud of.
I hope that you will continue to come her to find comfort, understanding, and true love of friends as we all share in some way, the feelings that you are experiencing. I will pray for you and your Husband to find the peace and understanding to begin your healing.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you Bear! I'm so glad that you found this site. It has worked wonders for me to come here and vent. I also find that I get a lot of strength from others here who share in what I'm going through.
The three C's of Alanon...you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. He must be held accountable for his drinking, lies, etc., not you lying for him. One of the things I have learned in Alanon is that I don't lie for the alcoholic/addict. That never was a problem for me, really, as I didn't know my husband even drank. He hid it that well, believe it or not.
I hope the meeting you attend tonite goes well for you, and that you find a lot of helpful people to share their hope with you.
Please keep us posted on how it goes. Also, we have a chat room with a TON of wonderful people who are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I hope you can visit with us there ~ it really does help tremendously!
It is a progressive disease....it gets worse and worse....for the alcoholic and the family...so happy you found alanon....it will help you save your sanity and feel like you are not alont.....keep comming back dear friend....
You said I don't know which way to turn next. The answer is you have already made a great choice, you came here.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It tends to make us more crazy as time goes on too. The A is the only one that has the power to stop his drinking. You are the only one that can help you deal with the craziness of it all. It'll get better as you learn Alanon tools and do the steps. Welcome ((bear)).
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 21:32, 2006-12-04
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Ah, honey, it has nothing to do with love, it has nothing to do with honesty - really, it has nothing to do with YOU.
"We" never had it under control, "We" never could cure it - this is his, not yours.
I know you want to feel that loves cures all, that total trust is necessary in a loving relationship, but none of that stuff means anything with an alcoholic. He's not drinking and hiding it because he doesn't love you, he's doing this because he can no more imagine a world without drinking than a world without air. He is most likely tormented badly by guilt, on top of everything else, but A's don't use guilt the way the rest of us do. When I feel guilty, I use that as a sign not to do that thing again. When an A feels guilty, it's a sign he has to get drunk, because he can't face the pain. Eventually, if he dives into recovery, he can learn that the pain is not that bad, that reality is not so hard to face, really. Right now, though, he does not believe that.
I'm so glad you're going to a meeting, and that you have found this place. Please read as much as you can - the more you know, the more you can make the right choices for yourself. Everybody here knows what you are going through - we have all lied, and denied, and felt devastated, and had our hearts broken. We are all learning, in different ways, to take back our lives, and find joy and serenity whether the A is still drinking or not. There is very little you can do for him, but a lot you can do for yourself. Welcome.
Welcome bear! I too was just where you are only a few months ago. I thought my world would end. I just couldn't imagine what I was going to do... couldn't imagine my life without my alcoholic/cocaine addicted husband.
I found Alanon. I realized that his alcohol and drug problem were indeed HIS problem, not mine. I stopped lying to everyone about his problems. I stopped covering up for him. I realized that no matter how much he said he loved me... he would not give up his addictions for me.
I had to save myself. I left him and filed for divorce. I left before he could drag me down with him anymore. He financially ruined us. He spent all of our savings and put us into unbelievable debt with loans and credit cards.
I've been away from him for three months. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm SO much better for it now. I'm still paying off the debt and I will be for quite some time, but I don't have to worry about him anymore... just myself now.
You are not alone here. I hope that here you will find the strength you need to do what's best for you and your child. I hope that here you will find the peace that you deserve in your life.
Take care of you...
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Thank you for all your support - I know that i have alot to learn in order to help me recover. I think it does take you to get to your own deepest darkest bottomless pit in order to take a stand for yourself.
I am looking forward to my first meeting and continuing to share and support others here. It definately feels great to feel not alone. I know know the next steps for me is to be honest with my loved ones around me and not to fel ashasmhed for what my A does.
Telling people, especially my sister and my mom, was REALLY hard. Just remember... it's HIS problem, not yours. Once I finally realized and accepted that, it was much easier to tell people my story. My family and friends (even his friends and family too) have been really supportive. They all know I did all I could to try and help my AH to get the help he so desperately needs, but always rejects.
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I very much understand the situation of wanting to force a change. Unfortunately with an alcoholic that is pretty difficult. The one thing they want is not to change they are so dependent on that substance.
I also understand the issue of uncovering the network of lies. Recently the A rented some movie on pay per view. It showed up on the satellite bill. He denies he did it. He can't even tell the truth about that kind of stuff. I did not have a "fit" about this as I normally would. I now expect the A to lie.
Alanon suggests to not make any major moves for about 6 months because our codependency is so strong and so resolute that is all we know how to do. I kicked and screamed about this for a year and contributed to some of the crises in our home. Now when stuff comes up like the A has a parking ticket due today I am no longer a basket case. I've made preparations I know what kind of stuff happens and I no longer step in to help.
This board can really save your life. I know it has saved mine. It has made me go from a raving ranting maniac to a calm person who cares for myself. It has helped me out of the depths of some paralyzing depressions and it has helped me to focus on me rather than the A. I can't change the A. I can change me though and some of my behavior enabled his alcoholism. I certainly didn't cuase it or contribute to it and I certainly had no idea how manipulative he could be about it. Now I know. I also can "hold" the knowing without having it destroy me. If he destroys hmself or our truck or our home or our whatever he will no longer destroy me in the process. For me that is a gift because I was certainly allowing it to destroy me in the past.
I have been right there a few times and we want so much to believe what they say but the more we catch their lies the harder it gets! It sure feels good to get it all out and realize that you're not crazy or losing your mind or that you're not nearly the only one going through this situation and the craziness it brings! Hope we'll see you around here keep us updated with what's going on for you!
Sweetie, you send goosebumps right through me with your honesty. You are right that it is important to let it all out. I am so glad you found us here on the board. I hope you have found support in our chat room as well. I am just so proud of you for finding us. The thing we do really well in this program is to offer our loving support. In the closing of the meeting is says "take what you like and leave the rest" look for love and support here and whatever you find useful - use it.
