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.....seems like it sometimes. On the one hand, I was relieved when I first began to learn about alcoholism and it's effect on everyone involved. I was forever saying "Okay, I see now!" "Ah Ha! That explains it!" and stuff along those lines. Burdens were lifted. Then I go back into a slump like today and think "why can't I just pretend nothing bad ever happened". My A was a pro at lying during his drinking days just like A's are. He's not had a drink in a year, goes to AA, but I know he still lies. I got a problem with that. And part of the problem is that I'm not always sure when he is. We get along fine enough now but once in a while he'll answer a question with what I suspect is an untruth. I'm wondering. "Why lie?' We are still separated and if he wanted, he could take this time to tell me he wants to end this relationship and go after whatever it is he wants. I mean we live apart, he has his own routine, he could find someone new and get on with a new life. Lying used to be second nature to him and I dread the idea that he's still like that. And if I confront or question him about something and I turn out to be wrong, it'll just make me look bad and add more tension. The idea that we may get together again only for me to find myself dealing with this lying once more is giving me a migraine. I don't know how or when you begin to trust someone when there's a chance they may not be worthy. I want to trust but I am scared to...........jaja
I feel this way too, usually when I believe, I end up finding out it's a lie. I have spent too long wanting to believe BS. I had to have hard evidence to believe my inner feelings. Don't question yourself, go with your gut! If you're wrong you can apologize but my guess is if your gut is telling you something it's probably right!
This is a hard line learned from AA. If an A is opening his mouth, you can count on the fact that it's going to be a lie. I don't like that negative thinking myself because it can bring me down; however, at least I don't set myself up.
I am in a similar situation with a separation and the same thing applies. I just want to know what type of boundaries I need to apply with my estranged. If he's with someone else, I want to know so I can conduct myself accordingly to protect myself.
I also learned from an ACOA book that lists 10 characteristics exhibited by Adult Children of Alcoholics - "They tell lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth." They learn it at the knees of their parents and without recovery, they continue because they only know what they learned.
Just recently someone in chat shared that a counselor told her "when you lie to your children, you teach them not to listen to their instincts." So now how this crazy circle called alcoholism continues.
Trust your instincts,
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I too can understand your frustration with the lies or suspected dishonesty of your A, my AH has over 3 yrs sobriety & still struggles with this area.
For me it is about understanding that all of their character defects do not go away in sobriety, nor do ours once we enter recovery. . .
So these times when I am faced with the partial truths, lies, omissions, etc. I look at it as opportunities for growth for both of us - growth for me to learn to confront my AH in a appropriate, dignified and adult manner, growth for me in setting healtier boundaries and even the possibility for growth in him that maybe the next time given the chance the truth may start becoming easier for him.
I know that slowly over the past 3 1/2 yrs, I am hearing a lot more truth than lies - Progress not Perfection - Today, I can accept that - now tomorrow I might not be able to, but Just for Today is all I have to live in.
So, decide what is right for you - seek your HP's guidance, One day at a time.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks, Maria. That's what I'm talking about. Yesterday, I asked him if he considered this separation of ours a chance to sit back and look at ourselves and see where we need fixing and to work on it. He said yes and I asked him why he called an old girlfriend so much, he asked why. I told him that I am aware he does and I just wanted to know. He said he was just helping her and her family try to find contractors to finish their house. He wasn't angry at me for asking and he didn't even ask how I knew ( me, him, and our kids have our cell phones all under his name since he bought them and pays the bill but any one of us can see the bill ). But there's something in me that still wonders about that.(he used to make some inappropriate calls when he was drunk). And if he'd rather be with someone else, then my feeling is JUST GO! Don't keep me hanging on!! You already have a place of your own!" And if he's still trying to hang onto me in case another choice doesn't work out, why in the world would he want to stay with someone he doesn't really WANT to stay with?? Is it a case of him having his cake and eating it, too? But then suppose I'm wrong? Suppose he really is only being helpful to her for helpful's sake? She's a nice person (I guess) and so can he be. I just don't want to be taken for a fool and hurt worse than I already have. I think I need to find a way to come right out and say this to him and yes,take the heat for looking at the phone bill. I should've stayed ignorant about the bill. Then I wouldn't be wondering about anything and he could call her (and whoever else) to his heart's delight while I welcome him in the door with open arms and a kiss every time he comes over. gag me with a spoon.....jaja
