The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing alot of reading on here and alot of thinking and am wondering if an A can just not see what they are giving up..or do they just really not care?Time and time again on here I read that alls a non A wants is for their A to love them as much as they love their A...and to have the kind of life they know they could have together if it wasnt for the drinking. I have thought this same thing a million times but my A either cant see it or just really dont want that kind of life....I dont understand how people can have exactly what their SO wants and give it up for drinking...can an A REALLY love somebody else or are they just not able to do that? Is there a place that I can go to find this kind of answer? Maybe I just REALLY dont understand this disease...I tried reading his Big Book....but thats not much help for me. Thanks for any help you guys can give me on this. Hope you all have a great day!!
I know the pain you are describing when you ask that question. For years now I have wondered the same thing. Here is my theory today. My AW knows exactly what is keeping her from her dreams, she knows what is keeping her from her kids, she knows that it will cause incredible pain to be away from her home during the holidays... but.
She just can't do it, not by herself, and she hasn't surrendered enough to get help. So she feels she is just stuck. It took me calming myself down in order to see past the raging and tantrums... the blaming and everything else. When it boils down to it she wants sobriety, but she just wants it to happen. Anything else just seems unobtainable to her right now.
So she plans to get a more afordable apartment, a cheaper car, and has resigned herself to the fact that this is just the way it is. It breaks my heart.
With all that said, life has to keep moving. I have 2 great kids that deserve at least 1 sane parent, a house that is not in constant chaos, a home where all the bills are getting paid and the possibility of happiness if they choose that road.
Before this program and this place, I wasn't heading in that direction for me and my family... but now I am. I hope and pray every day that the one I love will surrender, and get help some day, but until then... I will work on what I can, me.
I hope this makes sense... I just woke up. LOL
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think there are a lot of variables that play into it, but I know my own A had reached the point where he was aware of the damage the alcoholism was doing. He cared about what was happening to our marriage, but only as much as the booze would let him. He talked a lot about it his last year of active drinking.. you know how drunks have loose lips... and even though it was hard for me to hear the things he was saying, it really helped me to understand just what he was struggling with. He really was completely powerless over this. He knew he was hurting himself and others, but he was afraid of detoxing and afraid of learning to live without it.
I think they can all only care and love for others as much as the booze allows them to. I think it very painful for them as well.
