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I'll try to be very brief, I'm a 62 yr old woman, daughter of an alcoholic Father now deceased, sister to an alcoholic sister and brother. They both stopped drinking for several years but are both drinking again. My sister especially is a hard case, she drinks straight from the bottle until she passes out. She lives alone and doesn't have many friends. She stopped drinking for over 10 years but now in the last 3 years she's drinking again and of course it's progressing. I confronted her by email yesterday, just asking her how I could help. She returned an email attacking me and everything I do wrong and how I was too judgmental and didn't love her unconditionally. sighhhhhhh. We don't live in the same city, she's about a 2 hour drive away. I would say we have always been pretty close but we don't really "talk" ya know. She told me to get off her ass or she'll stop talking to me, it broke my heart.
I know that she can only help herself, I can't help her but I am so consumed with this right now I just feel like I need to intervene or something. She's 65 years old, a heavy smoker and has bladder cancer. I feel like she'd going to kill herself with her drinking. Can I help her? What should/can I do?
I have been trying to figure this one out for years, I coddled mine, I made excuses for her, I blew up at her, we did an intervention and told her to admit herself to the state hospital or we would take her kids away; she did and then left with another patient and was gone for nearly four months...all the codependent things we do I have probably tried.
One of my sisters is a dry alcoholic and now addicted to prescription pain medications. Five times this year we have taken her to the ER and four of those times she was minutes from death. She has gotten to the point that she will agree to have surgery on any part of her body just to get more pain pills. On one occasion the doctor told her that he wanted to admit her to the psyche ward and she refused to go. He then told her that what she does or doesn't do matters not to him but that if she continues down the path she is going that she will end up killing herself. When she refused to follow the doctors suggestions I blew a gasket and asked her why the heck did we come out here then? If your not going to follow doctors orders then don't call me the next time.
After coming to Al-Anon I discovered that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her except help myself. I go back to Step 1, work forward and turn her over to my HP. I am fearful that one day we won't find her in time but I also know that this too is in the hands of my HP. The last time she was in the hospital I bought an AA big book and daily reader, put them in a nice gift bag and took them to the hospital to her. When I asked her if she was reading them she tells me she is almost finished with them. Do I believe her? NO, but she has the answers there at her fingertips if she ever gets the desire to do something about it. The gift bag along with the books are still sitting on her dresser in her bedroom.
So to answer your question.........there is nothing you can do except work the steps for yourself so that you can be at peace with whatever the outcome is.
Yours in recovery
Mobirdie
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I have a younger sister with two children who is a chronic alcholic. I find it very very hard to deal with her. She is the queen of denial about everything. There was a time I entertained great fantasies that when our mother died she'd get into recovery. Our mother died and she went further into denial than before.
I really struggled with this for years. I used to try to make it up to her children and entertain the idea that I could help them too. I can't of course, nothing but their mother can change the fact she is an alcoholic.
I live a great distance from my sister and my other sister (who is older) is also in denial. I eventually came to the conclusion there is not much I can do. I did grieve and rage a lot and I encourage you to do that. I feel that I was robbed of a sister and also someone to recover with. At one time I had a friend who I worked out a lot of my sibling issues with that helped too.
Thank you Mobirdie and maresie2 for replying, I appreciate it.
I know it's me I have to work on but I'm hardheaded and really want to "fix" her. I'm just so fearful that at her age and with her health conditions (she was cancer free last check up) that the excessive drinking will kill her. Plus we've never really fought before and I hate it that she's willing to never speak to me again over trying to talk to her about her drinking. I do think that was the drink talking, she's such a wonderful person when she's sober, another reason it's so heart breaking.
Thank you again for replying and I certainly feel for both of your situations and hope you both can find peace in your lives.
and really want to "fix" her. I'm just so fearful that at her age and with her health conditions (she was cancer free last check up) that the excessive drinking will kill her. Plus we've never really fought before and I hate it that she's willing to never speak to me again over trying to talk to her about her drinking. I do think that was the drink talking, she's such a wonderful person when she's sober, another reason it's so heart breaking.