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Hello again (((((((((((((((((wonderful people))))))))))))))))
Am so sorry it's been so long since I last posted. No puter and lousy internet access means I still get to read some posts but not a lot of time left to respond(Connection is very slow) even less to actually post. I did try a few times and the power went off before I got the chance to finish and I kind of gave up. Notice lots of new faces and wonder how some of the wonderful people I had the privilege to "meet" before are faring. To each and every alanonny-you are in my prayers EVERY day.The love here is just awesome.
I think my last post was about my gorgeous new Grandson,and proir to that explaining the insanity surrounding my A and the care of my little pup when I returned to the UK.Whilst I was in UK helping with my new Grandson,A had taken Ruby(my pup) to Istanbul so he and his lovely neice could take care of her whilst he and neice set up home together and he started a new "fantastic"job opportunity. Within days of me arriving in Uk,A was texting asking when would I be back as he was struggling with Ruby! It wasn't even him doing the looking after-he left that to his neice. I wasn't worried about her ability to love Ruby because I had spoken to her and she is an ardent doggie fan and promised she could take good care of her. Sheesh-if it had just been A,I would NEVER have let her go there.Anyway,neice reassured me all was fine,so I chose to ignore the myriad of ridiculous texts A was sending until one day I got so fed up with it I actually replied to him and told him in no uncertain terms that I was in UK-he well knew that and what the heck did he think I could do from there? "You insisted on having her-now DEAL with it and stop pestering me!" Every few days I got another text "When are you coming back to take her?" Sooooooooo....alanon training kicks in and detach,detach,detach.
The very day....nay....10 SECONDS!!!...after I got through passport control,A is phoning asking me why I hadn't told him I was back and when can he bring Ruby back?? Grrrrrrr. I calmly asked for a day or two to get settled in and then we would talk. The madness began again and I was soon feeling that old familiar panic. He text to say he would be arriving in a few days with the pup and all her belongings......and didn't turn up. Every few days the same scenario....with him not turning up when he said he would,and getting more and more verbally abusive. I spoke with his sister,who told me that A had moved out and gone back to his parents-the job didn't work out and he had several other jobs all which hadn't worked out.(surprise,surprise) but that neice had Ruby and she was happy. It seemed very odd to me that after A spending three whole months continuously complaining about me being away,that I hade now been back for six weeks and still no sign of him returning Ruby,despite continually alerting me to be ready as he was on hi sway in the next day or two? And I sat down and thought this whole thing through again. I came to the conclusion that the accusations of me having an affair(then discovering he had been hacking into my email account) and now this merry go round again,was the manipulations again kicking in. I AM NOT in ANY relationship whatsoever,but he obviously believes differently-and I came to the conclusion that this constant alerting me he was about to turn up with the pup I adore,was to keep me on my toes wondering when and if he was going to step through the door and "catch me out?".....LOL,chance would be a fine thing. I also relaised that despite me "Letting him go" that I do still hold him very much in my heart.I don't think I've really managed to detach as well as I led myself to believe. I mean, we've been apart now since February,and apart from that one day when I handed Ruby over to him to take care of,we haven't really had much contact(unless you count a zillion texts that,for the most part,I didn't respond to) Certainly when we separated before,we were in almost daily contact,and this time I have been very strong and not responded,emailed,phoned.......Zilch!
A then emailed me and told me that he was coming that weekend and that he could see that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore,so he would tie Ruby to a tree outside the house and text me to let me know she was there.Then added that I was only caretaker to her,because when he finally gets sorted out-he will DEFINATELY come and get her back. She was HIS pup and I was only taking care of her until he get his life in order......and the penny dropped!!! She was his "pawn",his hold over me,his way to control me. If I was on red alert every week wondering when he would turn up with her,I couldn't be out living a life,having an "affair",making new friends..............It's been 3 months now I have been back and still no sign of her.
((Friends,))I have stewed this over and over in my head,and came to the conclusion that it's all manipulation and the disease trying to suck me back in. I WON'T go there to get her,mainly because I KNOW that if I see him,I am in danger of weakening and allowing him to "work" me again.....and I ABSOLUTELY refuse to go that route again. I can be strong if I don't see the "little boy lost" or feel his arms around me,promising me this time it will be different,we can make it work yadda yadda. I've done with all that. Damn it all,I LOVE my A with all my heart and there isn't a day goes by that I don't pray for his HP to lead him back to AA.........I love him that much I can accept that we will never,ever be together and the most loving thing I ever did for him was to let him go,and fall on his own. I can accept that he may one day get sober,and that I won't be part of his recovery or that the dreams we shared will ever come to fruition. I could even stand now to hear that he is with someone else,married with a family and working his programme. Hell it would hurt,but I HAVE accepted that much. I'd still love the guy with all my heart.
It was my birthday a few weeks ago........I was alone and thought how strange it was that when we together,my birthday was always ruined by him coming home drop dead drunk,and he could barely remember what it was he was celebrating? And I used to feel so lonely,even though he was right next to me,sleeping off a drunk? And there I was again this year,my birthday and feeling alone again. Good friends took me out to dinner,and when I got home I sat and thought about all this. I went to bed,prayed and thanked HP for my progress,for HP's love,for my friends in Alanon,my family and friends......and prayed for A that he might be happy and be led to a safer place for him. The telephone rang as I was drifting off to sleep......and it was A. I was shocked and my heart skipped a few beats,while I listened to him just say simply" I rang to wish you a Happy Birthday." I thanked him and said I was a bit surprised he remebered. His response was " How could I EVER forget today?" and gave a little laugh. Funny........he never remembered it before??? I mustered up enough to ask him how he was and how his new job was going for him. He told me it didn't work out and now he was working in a cheap kebab shop and he hated it. I didn't respond.I just thanked him for calling and hung up. Then cried myself to sleep!!!!!
I've heard nothing at all since. It's kind of wierd to hear he has finally allowed himself the self imposed idignity of working in a kebab shop........he always screamed at me for suggesting a low stress job during the time he was unemployed for three years,insisting he was destined for far greater things. Hmmmmmmm.
Meanwhile.... I am wracked with guilt. I should have known that his insisting on taking Ruby would be another stick to beat me with. I feel guilt that I fell for it. I feel guilt that I have let Ruby go as well now,although a big part of me is hoping that dear little thing maybe will help him to learn about responsibilty and commitment. he has moved from his sisters house,to his parents,then to his neice,then back to his sisters......and then back to his neice and now,back to his parents again. His sister and his parents ALL enable him,and have their own alcohol issues,so I don't see him ever getting out of this. He is incapable of taking care of himself. His neice was his only hope,and maybe Ruby will be an incentive. Who knows? All I DO know is it won't be me. I did at least learn that much.
I am so glad that you posted. I think about you often. Sounds like your head is in the right place chris. If only the heart would do the same huh? Hope you are reunited soon w/Ruby. I know how much you love that doggie. Take care of yourself hon.
Wow GF, lt's been a while. Glad you checked in and updated. The crziness continues huh? It sounds like you are on top of things in realizing that he is attempting to control you via manipulation. Ruby is with the neice right? That's a good thing. I'm sure she's being cared for and that's what matters. Hopefully you'll be reunited soon.
miss you Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've missed you both too. I do read posts and try to keep up with what is going on-just difficult to post as much as I used to.
Yes,Ruby is with the neice. I think she will stay there as I absolutely refuse to get sucked back into this mayhem. If I go there it means a 16 hour drive each way,and having to meet with A. I love the guy....but he is still drinking and still in chaos and I know how weak I can be when faced with him. It's so much easier to stay strong when I don't have to see the hurt in his face,or witness the drinking and trying to detach. Or get sucked into his next crazy scheme.Or allow myself to believe he can change,get sober,work a programme. He would,and has,said and promised just about everything,and like a fool I have always wanted to believe him. Actually,I DO believe him....nobody can actually WANT to live the way he does,and I know how much he hates himself for it. But I can't and won't give him a soft landing anymore. He knows what to do-he knows where to go and get the help he needs...he just chooses allow anyone who will rescue him do just that,until he hacks them off so much they tell him to go,then he goes running back to where he knows he won't be turned away,hacks them off then a few weeks later makes up with the previous "lucky" enabler and moves back. It's been going on for years,and none of them will actually let him fall flat on his face,hence he never makes any real progress.The last 10 months he has bounced between the three enablers back and forth.~
After he told me I was "Ruby's caretaker until he gets sorted" I knew that this meant that every time he gets a job that lasts for more than a fortnight-he will be hassling me for the dog. It will never end and I can't do it. Yes,I also loved my little pup,but I know she is well cared for and I know he is using her to control me. I won't allow him to do this,so told him to keep the dog and leave me alone. The call for my birthday came after I told him that,and he didn't mention the dog when he called and was just his sweet self(when sober,I mean...LOL) Confirms to me this is another game. I've given it a lot of thought,and I know I have to take care of ME!
It's been 10 months apart and I still ache for him to be sober and to hold me in his arms and for the last four years to be a just a bad,distant memory.........and decided unless I just let it ALL go,I'll never make any progress or move on.I don't email him,phone him......zilch! It's hard and takes every ounce of strength not to cave in.I know if I saw him,I'd probably do exactly that.And it wouldn't help either of us,I know that. He.of course,saw it differently and sent several very abusive emails...one telling me I was so heartless I wouldn't feed a thirsty bird water and twelve consecutive emails ...the first with just a letter "F" follwed by another which just had the letter "U"......and I'm sure you get the drift of the contents of the others.
How do they manage to be so abusive and destructive......and WE are the ones who feel guilty and sad?Grrrrrrr.
I am glad to hear how you are doing. I sometimes think my boyfriend uses the animals, 2 dogs and 2 cats as a way to manipulate me. But then the whole world is open to manipulation by him.
I am glad that you caught on. I am sure you miss your dog though you certainly went to great lengths to take care of her.
I think there is a time when we can say "no" to them and shut the door. I think that time comes when it is time. I know for me there is a great deal of work in getting there.
I am glad for you that you have been able to resist and know your weaknessnesses. I don't know all of mine yet.
Chris, beside the usual alcoholic isms, like not likeing themselves...I think when they come up against someone that they can't seem to control and manipulate it really frustrates them, hence the nasty e-mails. You're on top of the situation and he knows it. He can't do the things he used to do to you, so it just comes out in the only way he knows how, attempting revenge and showing anger. You've heard it, hurt people, hurt people. You've come so far it's unreal. I recall when you first came in and I (and you) feared for your very life. Now look at you :) You're an inspirtion to us all. You are just the bomb GF!
take good care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I remember only too well the state I was in when I first found you wonderful guys and gals. I give thanks for you all each and every day.I can say categorically that I wouldn't be where I am today without the love and help I have had from so many fantastic people on this site.....so from the very bottom of my heart........(((((((((((((((((((((THANK YOU))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Yes ((((Christie)))) you are absolutely right.......it's his normal response to first send vitriolic emails....then sweet loving ones admitting his mistakes and telling me how much he loves me....then even more abusive ones when he doesn't get the response he requires. As you say...hurt people,hurt people. Before this last split,and before I found Alanon......he would send the most disgusting texts and after several I would react and phone him to blast him for being so obnoxious...and he would be sweetness and light,calm and composed.....it used to really throw me off track! I'd be the one who ended up trying to save the situation and making all the compromises.
((((Maresie)))), I think the ONLY reason I am not still hanging in by his side is purely the aggression in him when he gives in to the disease. I was in fear of becoming a statistic,since all his anger was directed at me. He used to tell me that he would NEVER harm a hair on my head...."How could I ever hurt you Darling? You're the one who loves me,you're the only one who understands me,you're the only one in my whole life who has ever tried to help me and stick by me"........... I'd have stuck by him to the end of the world and back and he KNEW that.He often said that if he hadn't loved me so much,he wouldn't get so violently aggressive as that's how desperate he felt when he was in fear of losing me. His fear used to come out against me and,in desperation to prevent me from leaving the house,or escaping his rants and out of control drunks he would lash out.Usually it was smashing the house up,breaking as much glass as he could find to smash,or objects he knew I was fond of. When it came to holding me down and waving kitchen knives inches from my face,screaming that we were both going to die together and cans of petrol while waving cigarette lighters in my face and threatening me and other such dangerous antics,I had to get him out. I think I could have somehow dealt with anything other than fear of being killed or maimed.Dammit-it's hard enough trying to deal with all the other stuff,let alone deal with constantly walking on eggshells in case he goes too far and gets violent again.
I've learned SO many things from this wonderful programme....all of it simple....and NONE of it easy............but saving myself was probably the most important for me. Puts a whole new meaning on the slant....I love you so much I could die for you!!!!!
I have missed you so much! Sending you much love and prayers to you both. I loved the pictures of your grandson. Quite the handsom fellow. Grandma is pretty good looking too! I hope you and sweet Ruby are reunited soon.
I shouldn't be surprised at the manipulations that a A uses. But sometimes I am. You seem to be handling things so well. It's okay that you still love your husband. I would too if he continued to drink. But like you, I would not live with him. You're doing what is best for you. That's what recovery is all about. I'm proud of you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I hope you and sweet Ruby are reunited soon. 
