The material presented
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I am slowly feeling weaker and dropping down into despair. My A son started his new life in Florida just 13 days ago. 2 days ago he called to say he wanted to come home. I offered nothing. Today he called after a 2 day binge, sick and shaking and kind of crying saying it's toxic there and he must come home. I told him I can't send him the money. He should get any old job and get the money, and he needs a plan for returning to NY because he doesn't have a drivers license. His reponse to whatever I say is "I want to come home" over and over. He sounds like a little boy (he's 29) and he is breaking my heart.
As soon a life doesn't go the way he wants, he drinks, blows away any good things and wants to do something different. I asked him if he was ready for AA and he said no. I asked if he was done drinking and he said no.
I cannot send him the money for him and his dog to fly home ($1000)
I cannot have him live with me because I will never sleep and I don't want the dog and it would be a major enabling.
Can I just leave him penniless in what he calls a toxic place?
That is terrible and I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I have taken a very hardened approach to the whole thing and feel that he put himself in this position and now has to get himself out of it. Now of course, this would be 20 million times easier for someone who did not have an addiction, but unfortunately, he does. You're right, sending him the money or letting him stay with you will be a huge enbaling thing and you already know it will only make things worse in the long run. I suppose as family members we are told to "remove" ourselves from the A and carry on, but how can you when it is your child? I have no idea. I personally turn to God in these times, but sometimes we can't help but to feel desperate. I know that for my A's parents, even when she was beaten black and blue, there was truly NOTHING they could do for her...she HAS to do it for herself first. It's so hard and I wish you the best with everything. Keep your chin up!! Lots of hugs.
I'm sorry Laura - puts you in a real bind but know you are already doing the right thing. If you can try to think of it this way, if you did help get him home- would you get angry and resentful later? That would be unhealthy for you. Plus it keeps him from having to face his own responsbility which he needs to do on his own if he is able and chooses to do so.
Either way, this is the time to practice detachment as best as you are able and to return to you. Take a hot bath, meditate, pray, call a friend or keep writing - whatever brings you some relaxation. God bless you - you are in my thoughts and I pray for both of you. Keep writing and praying and know we are all here for you.
Gosh Laura I feel for you I have two sons and it doesn't matter how old they are you still want to be there for them. I guess your head and heart are torn on this one. Is it possible for him to go to Salvation Army or something similar in the interim? I really think it is much harder being the parent of an A because the bond is so strong when it is your children. I think you definitely need guidance from a higher power. Luv Leo xxx
I think you are doing the right thing, it's that "Mommy thing" that won't quit nagging at you. Your son has choices. No matter what others are doing, he does not have to do it. It is toxic there because he is making it so. No one is pouring booze down his throat. He is choosing to do so. He could have chosen a host of other things that would have accomplished his original goal.
Stay strong friend Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It gets worse by the hour. He called a little while ago to say he is leaving his friend's house, with his 2 suitcases and very large dog and he doesn't know where he is going. I could hear them cursing each other so I guess my son is not lying.
I feel numb, sleepy, flat, and basically unresponsive. This is when I usually come up with a solution and I have nothing for him now. No ideas and certainly no money or car or any advise. I hate this.
I too have been where you are now with my children too. My heart goes out to you. One thing I read here is PUSH ..Pray Until Something Happens. I love that!!!!
Don't give up Laura ... this may all be part of God's plan. Prayers are free .... and more powerful than anything!!!! My prayers are with you and your son tonight and daily!!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad that you are coming here to share with people. It will help to keep you strong. I really do not know what I would do in this situation with my son and I hope I never have to find out.
One thing for sure now...he is feeling the pain of what this addiction can do. Just the fact that he does not want to be there where it is so toxic shows that he is tired of this lifestyle. If it is possible...let him go. Someone suggested the Salvation Army. I don't know if that would be possible with his dog in tow.
I don't know what else to say except that my prayers will be with you all day that you can get through this. Maybe you could get to a f2f but if you are anything like me you are paralyzed with fear right now and cannot do anything.
Laura, this is so hard. I am so sorry and my heart just breaks for you. You will eventually find an answer if you trust HP to lead you there. Perhaps this is what has to happen before it can get better. You are in my prayers.
I have no ESH with your situation but I wanted to give you a hug. My heart is twinging reading your story. I am glad you asked if he was ready for AA and quit drinking. The answer was telling. Keep us posted and I will add you and your son to my prayers at night.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I feel for you so much. You know that helping him right now would not be REALLY helping, but so so hard to say that "no".
Comfort yourself with a few things, if you can. He is in Florida, where if necessary he can sleep outside, rather than where I am, where it is right now minus 10 F. Being homeless for a bit will not be wonderful, but it won't kill him. The fact that he found the situation where he was 'toxic' is a good sign - it shows he is starting to get tired of the lifestyle. He's not out in some remote North Woods, where it might be hard to find services and recovery groups - in a heavily populated state, there is an AA meeting around every corner, missions and shelters, places for him to find help. All he has to do is to reach out his hand and ask for that help. I hear over and over again from recovering A's that they had to get 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' before they took that big step. This might be just what he needs.
I'm sure your heart is breaking, I know mine would be, but hold on, the story is not over yet.
You know one avenue for him might be to apply for General Assistance. Generally if you are from out of the area they offer to front your fare home. Of course the dogs fare might be difficult. Nevertheless some organizations like the SPCA and others will work with people.
I have rescued the A I live with till I was burned to a crisp. He will still do the "help" stuff. I do not respond in the same way but I had to get to be in crisis, such awful crisis till I stopped so I admire your determination. I know it almost killed me financially to do all the rescuing I did. Emotionally it left me a total wreck, resentful, depressed and immobile. I am glad you know your limits because I did not.
I'm also glad you are asking for help. We need every bit of support we can get.
