The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I hear this and I feel very angry. My father was a violent alcoholic. He had a very sadistic side to him. He would think it was funny when he would grab my legs and hold me under water then let me come up gasping and crying. What was my part in this? Not a damn thing. He was cruel and still is. I know he is sick in his mind; however, I refuse any contact with him. I've had enough of his intimidation and put downs to last the rest of my life. If he were to pass away tomorrow I would not cry a single tear. Intellectually I know he he was in great pain, but there's NO excuse for doing what he did to my mother, brother, and me. After the last straw of his monsterous behavior, I severed contact. He has deliberately told my grandmother that he has cut me out of his will. I'll take peace over money anyday. So sometimes there is no part for another person.
When we're kids, we rely on our parents to take care of us. I agree with your post, you had nothing to do with his horrific behavior. Keep doing what you need to do for your peace and serenity.
Hello Kissers , your absolutley right . Children do not have choices . They have this wonderful knack of knowing how to survive intolerable situations. Children do not have a part in a parents alcoholism , they are just survivin . (hugs) Louise
I am so glad I adored my dad. My mom was the rageaholic, and sister was the one who was secretly trying to do me in.
I'm so sorry you had a dad like that. Some people say we choose our parents to create what we need/want to learn in this life - hope that concept helps!
I have grown up All of my life feeling Cheated of a HAPPY childhood. I blamed my dad for my problems, my reactions and my mental state of health. I got by that and have forgiven him. But I thank God my father was NOT violent, and When I think I suffered beyond belief, I look at someone like yourself, and I know. There Is ALWAYS someone worse of then Ally>
Stay with us, you have survived, now let your Recovery take over.
I would agree I have real problems when people start talking about having a bad attitude as a child. As a child I had no control over my environment. As an adult I do. I had a violent, abusive, mean, depriving father. He is dead now. I have little if anything to do with my family of origin.
Nevertheless, and I think this is for me my part as an adult, I do tend to gravitate towards dysfunctional people unconsciously in trying to change them. I did not have boundaries as an adult obviously I got none as a child. I did not have respect often because I was one very angry person most of the time. That meant that what was around me was generally lots of angry people because like attracts like. When I started facing that it was up to me to cure/deal with/heal my childhood things changed slowly.
There are still tremendous obstacles for me. This week in a online meeting here David shared about martyrdom. I have to say it knocked me down like a truck. He was talking about me. He was also talking about my mother who martyred till she died.
I do think its valid to say as a child I had no part in it. As an adult I generally have some part in it. I'd have to say dealing with life on life's terms is very very difficult for me. I think the terms should be changed for me since I had an awful childhood. I can sulk, tantrum and carry on about I don't like it for ever really and then what there's no life left.
So for me as an adult for me to say I have to deal with this is incredible and also very very difficult.
You were a child, you had NO part in it & yours is a horrific story. Children only react to what they experience & they depend on parents to teach them how to cope. Keep trying to come for help dealing with it. The anger we keep inside burns us up so let it out so you can deal with it.
It is great this is a forum that can hear stories like these because IRL wow I have had some real snubs when I have told my story - hey, I wasn't the one committing the cruelty, I just had the misfortune to be born to people like that.
I did not miss my father when he died. Totally normal under the circumstances.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Don't let the bastard get you down.
I'd say the only part of it that is yours, is how you choose, now, to deal with the scars that you have been left with. Do you strive for joy, for balance, for love, do you refuse to let him spoil the rest of your life.
For a lot of us, a lot of the time, our 'part' is in allowing things to be done to us. Children don't have that choice - if they say "This stops or I'm leaving" nobody cares. If they do leave (run away) they are brought back, or exposed to more horrors in the outside world.
I also think it's important, since we're talking about this, to remove the aspect of "blame" from that question. Even when we do have a clear part in what has happened to us in the past, finding it is not for blaming, but for finding a new way to deal with what happens in the future. All of us deal with life the best we can, with the tools we have. Some of us are badly damaged, and are incapable of making healthy choices. This may not be our 'fault', but it is our life, and so our responsibility, in the end. Pointing fingers and laying blame does no good, it doesn't move anything forward. I have a lot of guilt about things I did to my kids, when my husband was drinking most heavily. I can say, and truthfully, "Ah, but he was making life impossible, I was stressed to the limit, I was nearly mad" but nonetheless, *I* was the one yelling at those kids, flipping out over little stuff, spreading the unhappiness around. If I only chose to see HIS part in it, I can never make amends, never come to any peace with my actions. It's not about blame, it's about moving on, and doing better.
I would say don't worry about 'blame.' If you feel like saying "you did this to me and I have no intention of having you be a part of my life ever again." you are justified in saying and feeling that way. Act accordingly, in fact I happen to think that is the sane way to react.
As far as people who are cruel like that, I am afraid it is asking an awful lot of the victim to not pass judgment, or not blame. That is really up to some Higher Power to forgive someone like that. That is the work the perpetrator needs to do; it's not your responsibility.
Whatever the reason for such cruelty for children, it remains unforgivable, and society (and the criminal justice system) happens to agree.
I've finally washed my hands of him. My grandmother likes to play the peacemaker, so she is always trying to play her part. It's like I kept hoping and wishing he would be the father I need, but it will never happen. Acceptance can be very difficult, but it can also be the opening of a new beginning for me. I've sacrified my happiness by always trying to be the perfect daughter when he should have been trying to be the loving father a daughter needs. Thanks for all your kind words and support. I will persevere and never allow him to take away my ability to love.
