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It's a sad morning for me and my family. A few weeks ago my brother told me I was going to be an aunt, both him and his girlfriend were so excited. Not to mention the rest of us in the family, after health issues with my Dad and stepDad, and the chaos of my experiences trying to seperate and divorce my husband this was a special surprise for all of us to look forward to.
They got the news on Tuesday that there was a problem and last night she miscarried the baby. I sat in the ER with my brother, he was his normal make the best of it self like our whole family is but the twinkly lights were not in his eyes. I am so used to seeing his girlfriend happy and upbeat that the forlorn, pale person I saw broke my heart. This was her dream come true.
I remember when I was actively trying to get pregnant a few years ago how hard it was sometimes to see happy families etc ... My brother told me that he went out and bought some dvd's that had nothing to do with children because watching TV Tuesday night with all the holiday and toy commercials was tearing them up.
I know they must have their time to grieve together and I respect that sompletely. Just like when we were children and I would cheat to lose board games for him to enjoy winning, if i could do anythign now to take away the pain I would.
Having never experienced this I am at a loss as to what may help them especially through the holidays. if you have any ideas or insight please reply or PM.
Oh Jennifer....I am so sorry for you brother and sil. I will pray for them to get through this. My son and dil have been trying for almost 5 years now and I am sure that if that happened to them it would be devastating. However, her doctor will probably tell her to keep trying.
My dil has been taking her temperature everyday for the past almost 5 years when they got married. Everyone tells her she just needs to relax about it as they have both been tested.
Take care Jennife and I am sure this is so hard for you too.
That is so sad about your brother and his girlfriend. A very good friend of mine just experienced a miscarriage last month. She and her husband were so heartbroken. She continually came to me to give me updates. Best thing I could say to her is that at least now she knows she can get pregnant. This is natures way of building and breaking down for a purpose. These things don't make sense in life especially when you are the one going through it. I would say being gentle and just listening if your brother wants to talk about it is the best thing you can do. HP will bless him one day with a baby to love. He's lucky to have a caring sister like you.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am so sorry for the loss! The best thing you can do is just what Twinmom2 said--be a good listener! If they want to talk about it let them, if they want to not talk about it, let that happen too! It can get so lonely right after a miscarriage!! If you live nearby and have some free time, maybe you could call them up and bring them a meal and just spend time with them. I would try to not bring up the baby unless they did.
I hope that soon the hurt will lessen and that things will go smoothly for them in the future. I will be praying for your family.
I had a friend a few years ago who had a miscarriage fairly far along I think maybe 4 months. After that she did get pregnant again and was very wary the entire time scared to tell anyone etc. She did go on to have a healthy little baby though, so there is hope. It is hard now but I am sure there will be another chance. I wonder why these things happen sometimes, was just thinking about my post and taking things out on my children/screaming at them. Makes me appreciate them a little more.
From experience I can tell you what NOT to say. I lost a 6 wk old daughter. Her birthday is coming up on Dec. 3, she would have been 18 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.
Please don't say, even in the kindest way "you will or can have more children. " Simply put, nothing can replace THAT child. It's like losing a parent and someone saying "Oh, you can find someone to fill in". I sooooo hated that comment more then any other.
Let them talk about what could have and should have been all they want. So many people try to change the subject because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Just give them lots of love and support, and as twinmom said ..listen.
take care give them a secret hug for me Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I totally agree with Christy. I lost my first baby a years ago. He would have been 8 this past August 11th. He stopped developing after conception, but the placenta continued to grow. It is called a molar pregnancy. I was devestated. I hated hearing the your still young, or maybe now wasn't the best time to be having a child. I just needed to cry to let it out, to let the anger out.
Being the supportive, loving sister is what they need you to be.
All the comments I was given hurt because I just needed someone to listen.
Your family is in my prayers.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I miscarried my first too - the parents need to grieve, in their own way. Some parents really do feel like they lost a child, others not so much. Rather than tell them what they should be feeling, let them tell you what they ARE feeling.
This is a chance to practice some of your alanon skills - there is nothing you can do to fix this. They are going to feel lousy for a while, and that's that. All you can do is be there if they want you, and try to be sensitive enough to give what they really need - there's nothing wrong with saying "I'd like to help but I don't know what to do, tell me"
(((((((Jennifer)))))) I am so sorry for your famiy's loss.
I totally agree with what Lin said.....
"I'd like to help but I don't know what to do, tell me"
I miscarried my second baby when I was 10-12 weeks along, I still think about that baby often. He/she would have turned 8 on October 30th. I too hated when people said..."oh you will have other children" or things like that. I know they were trying to help but what they didn't realize was the key to what they were saying was "other children", yes I could still have other children but I would never have THAT child. My family was great with the whole situation since they did approach it like lin said. It also helped that my Mom and sil had also miscarried so they knew what I was going through. So maybe just say something like "If there is anything you need just ask."
I agree...just be there, don't have a worried look on your face, this was their loss. You already said "I'm so sorry" and gave the hugs. Just be there and listen and feel.
Thank you to everyone. I know this topic is painful and I appreciate everyone's shares. My brother knows without telling he can ask me about or for anything and when his girlfriend was in pain she asked him to call me (which amazed me) so I think she would be comfortable asking for anything too. knowing how sometimes I don't know what i need on a day to day basis will help me with this, and for the holidays we'll take it slow and see how they feel. Thank you again.
I agree with those who suggested Listening and Being There.
In my family they put a stop to the talking almost immediately, I mean to the Listening and Speaking about the tragedy. That is sick.
But then too, there is nothing you can do to fix it. Nobody can fix it. They just have to go Through this hard time, and know that you are there whenever.
Iknow how helpless you feel. my nephew/ son wife lost a baby in April. Then he lost his only sibling in May. i want to erase the last year with pain. He is only 22. If I start smothering him with love he gets mad. I just try to get normal thing like getting pizza. We still talk about his bother. By the way he will become a dad in Mar.
