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I was just wondering if doing something for my A son that basically has a consequence with it is actually an act of enabling.
Here it is:
A son still does not have a job. Money has become very tight and this is probably the first month he cannot make his bills. He informed me that he was going to take his car to Carmax today (they will buy your car even if you do not buy one from them) and get whatever he could. He just bought the car last year and paid something over $9000 cash. He needs to pay his bills now.
ok...here is where me and H come in:
we offered to buy the car for $3000. he would have to turn the title over to us, turn in his tags and give us the keys...of course. If he ever gets his s--t together we will sell it back to him. If not...we will sell it and get our money back and maybe make a few thousand dollars.
I did not really think it was enabling but dil says it is definately enabling. I already made the offer to my son but now I don't know if I should have.
Essentially you are offering him a secured loan, kind of like a pawn shop because he can get it back for what he paid. However if he sells the car for what is it's true value, I assume much more thn 3000, would it allow him to pay some bill and still buy a much cheaper car?
If you wind up with the car and then sell it for more will you feel obligated to give him some of the profit?
Maybe it's too much to get involved in his finances. He is lucky he has a sellable asset and he needs to deal with it himself. Of course if I was in your position I would also be trying to see if there was any way to work with him, but I do think it's enabling to get involved.
It's hard for us to see our A sons take a step backward and losing his car, a good asset, is seen as a step back by us moms.
I'd say that if you and your hubby have the money, and if it wouldn't put you in a bind, then it sounds like a plan to me. But if it absolutely wouldn't put you in a financial bind!
I guess I could go either way on it, really. But if I were going to do it, I'd make sure that I DID NOT give in to his begging to "let me just drive it to doctor appointment/store/friend's house, I'll be back in a few minutes" or "how do YOU expect me to get a job if YOU won't let me drive it to the interview?" ...you get my drift, I'm sure.
If he sold it to the Carmax place, he wouldn't be able to call them to ask to drive it here...there...wherever, so the same boundaries should apply to him if you and hubby buy it. I'd even put THAT in writing and have him sign it. I've done something similar with my daughter a few years back...relating to something entirely different. She thought it was absurd that she should have to sign something affirming what she'd agreed to verbally, but I held my ground. It was my way of saying that I meant business.
Also, you said, if he ever gets his s*#t together, you'd sell it back to him...how long do you plan to give him to do that? I'd certainly have a deadline, or it could drag out for a long time and you'd not make the money you thought you'd make. Maybe that could be in the "agreement" that you have him sign.
Lots to think about...hope it turns out well. Keep us posted!
I think you have a fine idea. You have an extra car for a while and son has a goal to work towards. Good luck all around. Enabling? No. I feel that some people confuse caring and helping with enabling. The day I don't help my child is the day after I die. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
...you get my drift, I'm sure.
