I really feel for me the task of getting through the holidays is so so key. After the holidays some of my financial pressures get better. There will always be financial pressures living with an active A. There will always be crisis, he lives them day in day out.  Yesterday it was a huge crisis he lost his phone, he loses it everyday.  Of course he blames the world for it.

I have to work super hard not to spend much time around him because for me that is toxic.  I also have to work on what can I do now, what can I do to make my situation better.  I know now after years of it that interacting with him and trying to please him and make him happy is not it.  In fact I am regularly punished if I do for him in any way.  So I've learned not to rescue because if I rescue in any way he will come back at me like a ton of bricks.

I'm also looking at that I can't blame the A for everything.  Its not his fault the economy has been terrible.  Its not his fault I don't earn more money, I would like to make it his fault but it isn't.  It isn't his fault I had health issues, certainly he made them worse but he was not the cause of them.  He isn't the be all and end all of my world I have to work super hard not to make him that.  I can make my whole life revolve around the misery I think he creates.  I know for me detaching, focusing is such a discipline I have to re-focus when I am around him a great deal.  I also have to plan and I don't do that enough. I get stuck and then I get paralyzed.

Maresie.