The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not good at posting here, just try to answer some posts. I am still a "veteren"........lol. Anway, I am fighting depression and so much sadness and thought maybe I could just get my thoughts out here and hopefully help me to feel better.
My hubby is a self employed painting contractor and this is his slow time. Well, this year.....it's more than just slow.....it has come to a total stand still. We have tons of bills and most of it is due to our son/A. We have given so much to him......financially and emotionally......everyway we can, since he is working hard on his recovery. We have paid fines, attornies, rehab and more just to help him get better and work his recovery. The good news is, he is better and he is working hard on his recovery. He is doing very well at it. He has been clean (drugs) for almost 20 months now. Quite an accomplishment, I think. But, he is working at odd jobs (and and has told me how grateful he is that God has given him the talents to do them) just to survive, since he lost his pharmacy license. He has no extra to even begin to pay us back any money or even pay the bills we are paying that in our name, but are for him. So, we are brokel literally.
I am beginning to build up resentment inside myself toward him....when we willingly gave him the money. It was our choice and yet I am still now resenting him because of it. I hate that, I don't like feeling that way. I just want to enjoy the fact that he is clean and doing well. When we gave him money, we thought/expected that he would be starting to pay us back by now. Our delusional thinking, not his. I don't want to blame him when it was our choice to help him, but I'm finding myself doing that.
Son lives very far away from us......over 1000 miles and because he is on probation has not been home in over three years to see us. Now, with the Christmas season upon us, he is trying to make arrangements with his probation officer to get permission to come home. BUT, even if he can do that.......no money for plane ticket. So, I am sad about that, as well. I miss him.......I need to see him.
I'm sure some of you are wondering.......why not go to him and see him. Well, I have some health problems that make that very difficult if not impossible AND he is renting a room, just a room, which means that even if we could go.......hotel bill, gas for car and more. SO, I start feeling resentful again.......we're broke.
I am trying with everything in me to fight this "slip" I seem to be having and just to trust God. He has never ever let us down. If hubby gets work soon........and I mean soon......like today , then I may start to think of breathing again. I am praying that will happen and I am praying for God to lift this burden of sadness and resentment from my heart.
I am a generally upbeat person and can roll with the punches with the best of them.......but, can't seem to get my barings right now. So, dear, dear friends, if you would just remember me in your prayers, it would be so much appreciated.
When I go in the room to chat, so many of you are so loving to me and I am so grateful for that. I can forget, while I'm in there, that I am hurting. We can laugh together, even cry together and somehow it just feels better. So, thank you thank you for that.
I am praying for each of you to have peace and serenity in your lives. I care about you so much and I love you all.
Sounds like you are having a rough few days dealing with some tough emotions - how about allowing yourself some time to feel these feelings? Remember feelings are neither good, bad, nor ugly - they are what they are - feelings.
Can you take some time to journal? meditate? pray? talk with an Al-Anon friend or sponsor? keep posting at MIP? attend some meetings? Really take some time for you to process these emotions. Then take some time to pamper yourself - Pampering doesn't have to involve spending money either. Do whatever helps you relax, nice walks, hot baths, read a good book, enjoy a nice meal, wear a special outfit, etc.
Hope that you are able to process these feelings and return to a happier place mentally - Take it one day at a time - Remember together you & your HP will be ok, even better than OK.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Your post hits me close to home. I am in commisioned sales and have done pretty well. However this past year has been a bit slim. I too am finding things a bit short. If I am honest very short.
I find myself focusing on the things that were stolen from me buy my ex and from my son when he was using. If I only had those resourses now, I would be more than ok...The "if onlys" the truth is I would have given away my left arm to have my son sober which he is now. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Just for today..thanks to your post, I will believe my hp will take care of me and this too shall pass. I have been pretty worried. Since I have sincerely worked an alanon program I haven't spent alot of time in worry and I guess I needed to remember how uncomfortable it is. The mortgage is paid and the lights are on. I am by no means starving...guess it's time for me to start on that gratitude list again.
Thanks for your post (((lexie))). It helped me today.
it is so interesting that you would bring this topic up right now - i am starting to feel some of that same resentment towards my recovering daughter. up to now, i have bedrudged NONE of the help i've given her. now, it's starting to sting a bit. maybe we're feeling safer about our kids and giving OURSELVES a chance to process our emotions more?
sure wish i could wave a magic wand and bring you and your son together. the distance must be difficult.
I wish I could say something that would take away the hurt, but I can't.
Please know that I am thinking of you and that you are in my prayers. You are where you are for a reason, although you may not be able to decipher what that reason is. Stay strong, and remember you are loved!
I too have spent thousands on recovery and bills and lawyers, fines, cars, and all sorts of things that were in my name (my stupidity). As with the other moms here, we all did it thinking we were helping our child towards recovery. I too am so broke. I will be working part time from home now for $10/hr. to help us get out of debt caused by my enabling my A son. He just moved 1200 miles away and I don't know if he is sober or not. I'm not asking.
I am just starting to fell anger. I think I covered up all my feelings as I waited and watched and tried to fix. I'm done with that and now anger is coming out. He should be mad at me too, for prolonging his having to face consequences.
You shared so much more here today, than you do In the chat room. We usually get a "Im fine" from lexie, just goes to prove my point about NOT posting hen.
When we are struggling to deal with things like, Anger, Resentment, we tend to keep them close to our hearts, we do not talk about them, for fear of hurting someone. This goes to show you CAN DO IT, here in the posts.
Lexie, You are my mentor in this site, You have Patience for Ally (lol), NOT many do hen. You have always been there for me, especially the last few weeks. Remember I am always here for you too. I make you laugh ALL the time because, I think you DESERVE it Lexie.
YES you can help family, and YES you can resent It. But In the long term Lexie, It only does damage to yourself hen. You need to pray for that to go, and you are such a great Inspiration to me as far as the HP thingy goes. SO lexie TRUST In your guy up there, let him be their for you.
I am praying for you,and your family, things will work out right for you lexie, but my favorite saying is "Rome wasn't built In a day", (lol). Imagine that from someone with no patience.
(((lexie)))) wish I could give you a big hug in person! I encourage you to post here....it has helped my sanity. It helps just to get the words down on paper, or "computer" as the case may be. As I type, the feelings and emotions and thoughts just start tumbling out thru my fingers. Sometimes I cannot type fast enough to get them all out. And when I am done, I rarely if ever reread what I wrote.
As I read your post, I think IMHO, that you are perfectly normal in having the feelings you are having. It is how you deal with them that is important. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just ARE. We spend so much energy suppressing our thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc., it is just exhausting....it has to come out somehow.
I am sending up prayers now that your husband gets work, that your health improves, and you are able to find some amount of peace during the upcoming holiday season.
The important thing is that you are here. Your son is better. You and your husband are still alive and breathing, and still married!That counts for a lot in my book! Remember, it is all progress, and sometimes that is slow in coming. Things happen in HP's time, not ours. I know you must miss your son terribly, though, and I am truly sorry for that.
Hang in there, lexie, and hope to talk to you soon. Keep posting. It will help you, and you never know how many people you will help thru your posting. You may write the one thing someone else needs to read to help with their recovery.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.....I know it's difficult to have things beyond our control....it can make for a miserable exsistance...
Just try and remember, you may be broke but your son is sober and doing well....you have your wonderful daughters, your sober son and those great looking g-kids....and need I forget Don....the afternoon delite man....lol...he he....
God will get you thru.....I am praying for a job for Don today :)
I remember how proud you were, and are, of your son for cleaning up his act. Ya know, I don't mean to sound flippant, but it's only money. It will come back to you I believe.
You are in my prayers. I too have a daughter that needed a lot of money to help & a lot of praying and it took a long time and came out good and worth the effort. I will add my prayers for you and your son to find a way to see each other!
Oh sweet lady I have no answers for you. But I am sending you all the love and prayers I can. Holidays are hard when we don't have the people we love near. I hope you find a solution so that you can see your son. Congrats to him on his continued recovery. That's awsome!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Just want you to know that I'm praying for you! God is way bigger than any problem we have. Hang in there and keep trusting God. He will see you through. I know He has a miracle for you! Our God is so Mighty! Be confident of my prayers!
, then I may start to think of breathing again. I am praying that will happen and I am praying for God to lift this burden of sadness and resentment from my heart. 
