The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow I will attend my first f2f, and I look forward to it.
We've been married for 2 years. I knew there was a problem. I knew there was lots of baggage. She was molested (by a family friend's son) for a prolonged period as a child (3 years, I think). She started drinking around the age of 14, now 34. It has been one tragedy or tragic relationship after another. Guys that have taken advantage of her financially or mentally, the last was put in a jail on multiple occasions for beating her up. She thinks and acts as a victim, always.
I knew all of this, and when I asked her father for her hand, he had warned me about her drinking and asked if I was sure. I brushed it aside. I was in love. I could sweep her off her feet and give her stability and love, patience and understanding WERE my strong points. This little angel (5' 110) had me at hello (to quote a cheezy flic).
I am in the military and have made a pretty good career for myself, so far. We were married after about 5 months of dating, which consisted of me taking a week of leave and flying from WA back to the midwest for about a week at a time. I didn't know much about Aism, but thought the partying would stop when we settle in as Husband and Wife.
I fly for the Air Force, so in the beginning, I felt very guilty about leaving her alone for a week or 2 at a time. She still was relatively new to WA and no family/friends near. Gradually getting worse, drinking alone, drinking a lot. I confronted her several times, asking her to get help.. depression and alcohol. It didn't take long into our marriage for her to start becoming hostile. "I was trying to control her. It was my fault that we didn't have any friends. It was my fault she wasn't happy." My usual schedule was working a 9 or 10 hour day, and coming home to walk on eggshells and deal with whatever it was that I said or did wrong. After work, all my energy went in to trying to make her happy or not go on a binge. Still we declined further into chaos.
About 2 months ago, she got loaded, again, and an argument ensued. I had found out that "a friend", that is, an ex-con and supposedly clean meth addict had spent the night in our house when I was away. This is after the same incident happened 6 months prior. This friend, who she hardly knew and I knew nothing of, evidently binged with her and stayed overnight while I was overseas. I was so scared for her... and she says that she always helping people who are down as justification. This is more me wanting to control her. Anyhow, that night's argument ensued and I ended up trying to throw out her beer. After already hitting me, again, (and a friend, also... hit her in the eye) she bit me, leaving a nice big bloody chunk square in the middle of my chest. I started packing a bag, again, and she called 911. She called to have them come out because she was afraid that I would hurt her. She has beaten on me several times before, bitten, scratched, punched, kicked, etc. but I've never even thought of calling the police on her. This time was no exception, except she called and the police came. I was still packing my stuff and getting ready to go when they arrived at the door. They took our statements and then arrested her. The next day, I went to court and pleaded that she be released and not have a no contact order... I explained all the facilities the base could offer us and what we could do to help. Wife cried and said she would get help with me. Judge let her go, no charges but she wasn't to drink and to get help. That little honeymoon lasted 2 days before she got plastered. She decided that we have space, so I was not to come home on Tuesdays and Fridays. She also agreed to go to marriage counseling, as this is mostly my fault, anyway. So Tuesdays, after counseling (that lasted 2 weeks for her), I stayed in the barracks and she got loaded.
Now, I've been aware she has a problem, and have tried and tried to talk her into treatment. Meanwhile, I've spent every dime I've earned on making her happy.. a boat, a hottub, $20 lip liner, weekends at hotels, etc.. I've been beaten on quite a bit over the past year, bit more times than I can count, and wore down to a point where I don't think I have the ability to help her, anymore. After the first incident involving the authorities, my bosses made me get a psych eval... which, as far as I know, I'm doing the right things. Still my job requires a high security clearance and I can easily be demoted if they believe my mental state is in question.
I remember when things were so good. I had a little brother with Big Brothers, Big Sisters... was investing in my retirement funds, bought a new house, was respected by my coworkers, etc... now I'm in chaos, because I love her and wanted her to find happiness.
So, after the first jail time for her, she got even more insane and depressed and drunk. I've been getting 2/3 hours asleep and gave her an ultimatum, again. I told her this was it, what is important to her. She told me straight up that beer is more important than me, beer is the only good thing left in her life. She's talked about suicide and later, she would stop drinking for a while. I told her that wasn't good enough for me... right out of the big book "stop drinking for a year and you probably don't have a problem". She got loaded the next night.. then the next, and the next... she says she wasn't leaving cause the house is half hers, the house I bought before we married and I'm the sole provider. She, after all, "made my house a home". She got an appointment with a divorce lawyer for the next week, cause she was gonna take me for everything -- which the state of WA, the rules are very much in a woman's favor. But, it didn't get that far.
She binged again, and I tried to stay away from her. She beat on me some (she's 110 lbs, so I'm not physically harmed, much) and wouldn't leave me be. At last she went to bed, or so I thought, and I went online and was downloading AA stuff. She snuck back downstairs and began with the onslaught. I took everything, again. Punching, scratching, kicking. She backed me into a corner -- keep in mind, she is 110 and I'm 190 lb military -- I had my hands over my face and then she tried kickin my nutties, I moved my hands to block them and she rushed in to bite at my nose (I fear she would've taken a big piece of it). I pushed her away, hard. She, still drunk, tripped over her feet and landed hard. She started crying in pain, it knocked the wind out of her and I thought she was really hurt. She told me to call the paramedics and I dialed 911 and handed her the phone.. Again, I thought my whole life would be swallowed up, I would be arrested and this sick mess would take everything, my pride, my life, my consciousness of trying to be a righteous man... The police came with the paramedics, and after they took statements and the medics checked her out, they arrested her, again. I thank God, I would've went insane.
This time... this time is our chance. Her parents and I have been helpless, till now. The judge set conditions of her release from jail... No alcohol, no contact order, she could be released to a rehab facility, or released on her own to a verifiable address. I, along with her parents, formed a plan-- we called everyone; everybody she could possibly get to get her out of jail. It was very enlightening... all her friends know she has a problem and they would do there part. She spent 10 days in jail, and finally signed a release to go to one of the facilities I set up (they have dual diagnosis....) This is her Day 4, and including jail, Day 14 of being sober.
I'm exhausted. Still having to work everyday, and spending every spare second getting info from the jail people and facilities and my insurance. Her parents have helped, but they are 2000 miles away, and I've had to do most everything. Now, the facility can't tell me anything or confirm anything because of confidentiality. When I spoke to a counselor there, the last thing that was said was "well, domestic violence takes 2 to tango". I almost started crying... has she manipulated them? Put on her charm? If the counselors give me a letter, I can get the no contact order lifted and try to help???
I'm grateful that she is in a facility. I'm scared that she will be able to manipulate the counselors (she has a psychology degree..) I'm scared that she will get out, come back to my open arms, then take me for everything out of spite for her sitting in jail and rehab. I'm lonely, my family is also 2000 miles away, but the best they can do is write me emails and phone calls. I'm sad about where we are. I'm happy about where we are. Can she not see how much I love her? what I'd go through and do for her? Will she kill herself when she gets out? I'm confused, lonely, exhausted, frustrated.. sometimes angry, depressed, and spiteful. I understand the disease, and know the side-effects. I will still enforce my ultimatum when and if she wants to be with me. My pain is in her suffering. My pain is huge. I'd travel the ends of the earth to see her happy, but even in jail she wasn't willing to admit the problem.
I love my alcoholic wife. The pain in my heart is affecting my head. I need someone lean on. I want to say that I don't want sympathy, rather objectivity.. but I'd be lying, a little. After all, I'm a big strong air force aviator. We can tough it out.. right? I feel meek and insignificant, shamed and bewildered by this process. I KNOW that we are doing the best we can for her, but so scared that she will revert back and continue a miserable existence. I can even accept divorcing the woman I love; I can't continue the same marriage. I hope and pray for her to be kept well and have understanding and face the ghosts of her past and present.
I love her
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest; it is the first time I've written my story in (close to) its entirety. Thank you for being here for me.
Husband
-- Edited by CJ at 03:06, 2006-11-27
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Your story sounds familiar in so many ways...and yet it is unique to you and your beloved wife.
I too have a husband I loved very much who wants to throw it all away for alcohol.
He too has hurt me physically and manipulated the cops to say the same to me...that it takes two to tango in domestic violence. I did not lay a finger on him, just tried to NEATLY pack his clothes in a box to help him move out. He grabbed me and threw me out of his room so hard I lost my balance and hit the floor pretty hard, this happend several times...I ended up with bruises and abrasians on my wrist and elbow from hitting the floor so hard. He is nearly a foot taller than me and a body builder and martial arts expert, also ex military. I would not ever stand a chance against him. Even in sparring in his martial arts class no one can take him except the teacher, who is a real master.
I don't hold out much hope for him, he is such a master manipulator. It is very stressful isn't it? Wanting to have hope when they are getting help, but knowing in your heart that they can manipulate the best experts if they are smart and stay stuck in their disease. It is always our fault, the sober ones...sigh.
If she has a psychology degree she will probably not do well in treatment. She knows about the tests they give and how to manipulate them to come out as she wants. She can manuever pretty much any diagnosis she wants if she is smart enough. Not only that, but alcholics are master manipulators...it is a special talent they have. Combine that with intelligence and the right education and you have an unstoppable combination.
My husband took an overdose of pills and I had to take him to the ER. He convinced the doctors he was fine and it was a sensible thing to do...sigh. I had to go along to see how he did it. I was amazed...at how he manipulated the conversation. Really...he should write a book, he would make a fortune.
I have found much healing and help here...you will to.
Many prayers for you and your wife.
The most important thing I learned here?
TAKE CARE OF YOU!
Don't let your job suffer, try not to.
Get sleep, eat well...lean on those who care for you.
You are doing the right thing! Hang in there! Meetings for you are important now, very important. They are important so you will have the mental strength and sanity to make good decissions when she is out and about again.
It is obvious you love your wife, and this is the most loving thing you can do for someone torn with this disease. Allow her to face the consequenses of her actions and obtain help for yourself and your sanity.
I see a lot of myself in your post. I just knew that we (meaning I) could fix this problem. That her drinking was because of what I was/was not doing. Where we did/didn't go, or what we did/didn't have. That was all bull. I was driving myself crazy and there was nothing I could do to fix her. Of course by that time... I was the sick one. LOL
This program is full of examples of doing the right thing, because it's the right thing to do.
Hang in there and keep coming back. Keep posting, it will help.
Most of all, take care of you! Its the best thing you can do for you both.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
As I was reading your post, I thought, wow, this guy is amazing. He sounds like a man any woman would go crazy for! A good job, sensitive, spending $$$ on $20 lipliner for his lady, weekends away, etc. Able to withstand temper tantrums, only wants to help, loves his lady to the end of the world and back! Then, I realized, you are just like me, except I am a female. There was a time I would have walked on broken glass to have my AH love me back the way I love him.
I think it's kind of strange how non-a's are attracted to a's. It is like we are trying to fill a hole in ourselves or something, by being with an A. I don't know, it's early, and I'm not thinking too clearly, but that is just how it strikes me.
i feel your pain. i dont have any advice just wanted to share my situation with you
My A fiance has been on a binge for the past 12 days, and the hardest part of it for me is trying to get to work each day and put my home issues aside. Im on the road in my car 10 hours a day for my job, and sometimes, the home life really takes its toll. But i must stay composed and focussed or else my life could be in danger while im working...
So i come home at the end of the work day, and thats when i break down. Its as if all day i hold back the tears knowing that as soon as i walk in the front door, i can let them flow.
we are always the strong ones, but sometimes it just gets way too hard, and i dont want to be the strong one all the time.
I hope you went well with your f2f meeting. im stil trying to get the courage up to go to one.
I feel for you and your situation. My AH is active duty Air Force as well. I often felt that the situation was just made worse by the military culture, as drinking is not only very acceptable but sometimes expected, even as a spouse. Turn down a drink at a social event and people look at you like you're nuts.
Please don't believe your wife when she tells you her misery is your fault. Sometimes this life can be hard on a spouse, but I promise you the misery is self-made. I cannot relate much to her alcoholism, but I can relate to her feelings of isolation. I imagine that each continually makes the other worse.
I'm so sorry for your pain, for the way your situation has escalated.
I didn't have quite the situation you had when I found out my A was, in fact, an A. My story, condensed (haha, sure), goes like this...
We met at church...I initiated contact because he had a daughter same age as mine, and we would surely have things in common, as he was a parent to an "only" daughter like I was. Plus, he was quite handsome...
During our dating phase, which lasted a little over a year, we talked about how my dad was an alcoholic, now sober, but what it did to me growing up in that kind of household. Sure, my A's license had been revoked when I first met him, but he explained it away...drank a little too much at his birthday dinner one nite and got pulled over on the way home later that nite. I EMPHASIZED that I would not/could not marry an alcoholic, and that if he wasn't being honest with me, to let me know now...he assured me that he did NOT drink ~ he used to on occasion, but didn't NOW. I had no idea, being...sigh...clueless ...that with your first dui, you don't lose your license for 18 months...I trusted what he said. He was highly functioning...
We finally married. During our first almost-3 years of marriage, I had NO CLUE that he was living another life. I was going to make this marriage "work", I was going to be the loving wife, doting wife, have-sex-with-me-whenever-you-want wife, let-me-wipe-your-butt wife, adoring wife...this marriage was NOT going to fail. And I was the petite, athletic, cute wife...why should he have to go anywhere else? Since he was somewhat self-employed, in addition to working at the family business, he had the freedom to do anything/go anywhere and could explain it away as "working". Sure, he would come home late at nite, saying the moving jobs he was doing were just bigger than he thought they were, therefore taking longer.
I even TWICE asked his brother, who was now sober and in AA, does my husband drink? "No, no, he doesn't, you just have to quite nagging him." LOL, nagging? (Yeah, I NOW know that when an alcoholic's mouth is moving, it's all lies...)
One night when he didn't come home (I had just talked to him...he'd be home in about 15 minutes to take my daughter to a ballgame...) I called his cell phone, got his dad, and was told that he was in jail for dui. I said, no, you mean his brother (bro is the alcoholic in their family). He said, no, YOUR husband.
Fast forward 6 months...another dui on his way home from a moving job to another state. I'm called by a State Trooper just about 15 min from our house to go get his car on the side of the interstate. Blew my mind...
Point of my story (finally! LOL)...my life was literally pulled out from under my feet. I loved AND trusted this man dearly, gave and gave and gave and GAVE, expecting nothing in return but his undying love and affection, only to have it destroyed by his lies, dui's, stealing money from our savings, a hit-and-run (another weird story...sigh...), affairs with his ex-g/f and whoever else, porn magazines, you name it...and me not aware of any of it. When I did start to question some things that started to not seem right to me, he explained everything away...said things that made sense...sheesh...
I have been in alanon for 3 years now, since that first dui. (Actually, that first dui was really his 8th or 9th in his drinking career...I came to find that out at the attorney's office that we hired to represent him. He said to me..."oh, by the way, you will find out this soon enough...I have had a 'few' dui's in my past, sorry...") And my husband is involved in AA heavily. I'm a lot more sane now than I was back then. We are still together, but it's been a long road to get to this point. And there are still days that I ask myself, am I able to live the REST of my life with not knowing if he will ever relapse again? I see short- and long-timers in AA who "go out". That just scares the living daylights out of me...not knowing what this disease will do to our loved ones.
I know I made this post LONG, lol, and my situation is not exactly the same as yours, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. All of us here are dealing with one thing or another related to this stinking disease. That may not help YOUR situation, but do know that we are all here for each other and DO care about each other.
F2f meetings are VERY helpful. I remember MANY meetings that I cried through ~ I even had to leave the room on a few occasions because I was hurting sooooo much. But at the end of each meeting, I was very glad that I had gone. Seems like the meetings put a glimmer of hope back into my frazzled mind.
Please keep us posted...we love and care about you!
CJ Hope your f2f went well for you. I can feel your pain through your post. I know the feeling of helplessness when someone you love is in so much pain and chaos. You look at them and wonder where did the person go that I know. Glad you found the program...it really does help. The best suggestion I received in the beginning was to take care of yourself. I remember thinking...how can I do that..there is all this insanity going on around me. But, trust me it does help to take care of you. It helps you think clearer and make better decisions. Healing thoughts coming your way from here. Hope your wife does find the help she needs. I'm happy for you that you have taken steps to recovery. Take care of you.
An important thing to know right now is the 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it. As much as we want to "fix" them, we can't. They have to do it for themselves.
You are doing the right things. She has to see the consequences of her actions, regardless of how painful they are for her and you. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
It is truly heartbreaking to watch someone you love self-destruct. Often a's simply don't have the capacity to see how good things could be without alcohol. They are lost in their addiction and only they can find the way out of the maze.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Your story reminded me of so many times in my life. My A husband was gone 4 days a week for work, but I never really knew if he was working or not. There has been no physical violence towards me, he has beat up the house occasionally. Mostly I hear the pain of trying to help someone who ... oh I don't know how to put it ... doesn't want it, isn't able to accept it, who can't see what there is outside the world of addiction.
I'm so glad that you have support behind you, your family and hers. My inlaws are as dysfunctional as they come, lol i guess my family is too but we are honest about it
I understand your fears of her turning people against you, it has happened to me. It hurts, whether the lies are about me being the reason he drinks, why his life is so bad or personal like telling friends I am a prostitue, a drug dealer ... the list goes on and on.
What has helped me the most ... Learning to take as good of care of myself as i did him. I once heard someone here say something you may relate to .... on airplanes before flight they always say if the oxygen masks drop please put yours on before helping the person next to you. Taking care of myself first, as guilty as it made me feel at first ... it is my right and the best thing I can do for the whole situation. It's ok to have a day off from the worrying, making phone calls, everything, you have done the best you could for your wife and she is in a good place now is the time to relax and care for you.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, sending a big hug too.
Wow CJ, I feel your pain being far from home and stuck in Washington of all places (I'm orig. from WA) If you're at McChord the rain droning on for months and months and darkness almost all day long can be overwhelming in itself! I'm so sorry this is happening to you and that you are the one to be the "bad" guy right now. I moved out about 3 mos. ago and hubby has since gone to jail, lost the truck, lost his job and is damn close to homelessness. It's hard to watch. It requires more strength to do nothing than to help, this I have learned. I like your quote, wherever you go there you are. Also a favorite of mine. I have moved several times all the way to NC from WA and everywhere you go is pretty much the same unless you change you. I will think thoughts of strength and power for you. You have been through too much! You didn't mention if you had any children? I have a daughter and someone once asked me would you let a man treat your daughter that way? Perhaps you could use this and insert son? father? some other man you respect... It's hard to imagine sometimes that we allow ourselves to be treated this way. Mind boggling really. You sound like a great guy, I hope better things come your way!
the last thing that was said was "well, domestic violence takes 2 to tango".
Welcome ((((cj)))))
Glad you are here. Quoted that part of your post above because it hit me right between the eyes and took me back to the night before I found Al-Anon. I had called the police out to our home (another drunken argument that got out of hand), and while I was standing outside talking to an officer, he said to me "You allow it."
I understand now what he meant. We have choices. If we choose to remain in a situation where we are verbally or physically abused, we are allowing it. We are doing the tango. Choosing not to remain does not always mean having to physically leave, to separate, to divorce. It can simply mean refusing to do our part of the "tango". Like playing catch with someone...if we simply drop the ball and refuse to toss it back, the game ends.
Accepting physical abuse without doing anything to stop it, is allowing it. If we cannot show love and respect for ourself, how do we teach others to do the same? Someone said to me here "we teach others how to treat us."
I understand the love you speak of for your wife. I'm married to an active alcoholic also. If I could fix him with just my love, he would have been fixed a long time ago. That Tina Turner song always goes thru my mind when talking about this... "What's love got to do with it?" What I've learned here in Al-Anon is the best way to show our love is to stop participating in the game. To go to meetings. To learn as much as I can about how alcoholism affects the whole family. To stop trying to cover up for him, stop trying to make things easy on him, stop softening and/or allowing him to avoid the consequences of his own actions. Don't bail him out. Don't make promises for him that he can't fulfill. Don't take his burden on my shoulders. It is not mine to bear. He is an adult himself. They need to feel these consequences if there is to be any hope of recovery for them.
I'm glad you are going to an ftf. May I suggest you get the book "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics." There is a ton of great information in there. Keep posting, keep going to ftf, keep coming back!!! This is too hard for any of us to do alone.
In Support, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
(((CJ))), Like everyone else I feel your pain. I am fairly new to Alanon and I am going through many of the feelings that you mentioned. It's tough. Righ now my AH has been sober and my problems are trust issues. It's only been 2 months since his sobriety and we attend meetings regularly but I cannot get over the hump of TRUST!!!. I want to, but I've been lied to several times, broken promises and so on. If it was not for MIP and my f2f meetings at home I'd be insane. I am doing a lot of reading and soul searching myself. I have an awesome spiritual counselor and she walks me through the steps when I find myself at a stand still.
I pray that you and your wife will receive the help you are both seeking. Remember help yourself first. You must become healthy before you can help you wife. Good Luck in your first meeting. I am sure you will do fine.
You are in the right place, here you will receive objectivity and sympathy. As well as strength, understanding and hope. You will find much love here, and people to lean on when you are not able to stand alone.
It is so hard to watch someone we love, more than anything in the world, basically commit a slow painful suicide. At least this is how I felt while I sat by and watched my husband self destruct. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, since my husband admitted he was an A, as well as an addict. He knew he had a problem and that he needed help so he sought treatment. It was still a long hard road since it took him many tries to get sober and clean (several yrs). Many times I wanted to give up hope and just walk away. I knew all I could do was to take care of myself, so that's what I did. I also resigned myself to the fact that I could not do anything for him, other than to give him encouragement and support. All the rest was up to him. He had the tools he just needed to have a will to use them. He is now several months into his recovery, but I don't think I will be totally at peace until he hits the one year mark, lol.
Hopefully while she is in rehab, as she sits and listens to others stories she will hear "herself" in one of them and realize she does have a problem. My A was in a really good rehab, they not only offered services for him, but for the whole family. What I really liked was that I had a certain amount of input into what was going on with him. By this I mean that they talked to me alone, to see what I seen going on with him. Before this all the other places and counsleors told me to mind my own business. So when this rehab asked me things I simply asked them why they wanted anything from me since his recovery is his business. The counselor I was working with stated that sometimes the people who are close to the A will see patterns and such that help them to make a proper diagnosis (this place also did dual diagnosis). And that I can give them information the A may not be willing to give so early into treatment, such as admitting to being violent, how much they actually use, etc. This kind of communication helped my husband in many ways, I was able to tell them things he never remembered doing and then (and this was right from my A) he seen that I did care and was willing to be there for him. That I had not abandoned him despite everything he had done. He knew he was not alone. I had seen my A manipulate many counselors and had questioned the rehab as well as his current counselor.......how do I know he will not just manipulate you like he has others? I was told that eventually they meet their match, eventually someone will see through their BS and call them on it. He found that with his current counselor, who also happens to be a recovering A/addict himself. As this counselor says..."You can't BS a BS'er" lol. You should maybe make whoever she is working with "aware" she has a psych degree, it may help them. Hopefully she will have her "match" with someone there that will call her on her BS.
Please continue to take care of yourself. If you are not well then you will not be able to help her when she is ready for it, or in worse case, you will be able to handle whatever follows her release. I am so glad I found alanon before he started his recovery since if I hadn't I would not have been able to be there to support him, at least not with a clear and uncluttered mind. Keep coming back, this is the best thing that happened to me, it has helped me to find myself again.
wow Cj, our stories are so similar. I have only been married for 17 months and my wife gave me her story up front and I like you, thought I could handle it. But as the stress of life started happening for my wife, she began drinking more and more and eventually put her in such a state of depression that she started saying she wanted to kill herself. there was nothing I could do to help her. All I could do is watch it happen. Eventually, she moved out to go into treatment and after 1 week, had a major slip and ended up being taken by 911 as an OD to the ER and eventually to the treatment center again. She has been going through outpatient therapy for a month and just told me 2 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce. That the stress of being a stepmother and wife is to much for her while she is trying to deal with her recovery.
I to am where you are. I love my wife with all of my heart despite the many things that has happened as a result of her disease, yet, I know that if in order for her to get healthy and not continue to self destruct that I will have to divorce her and let her go, then that is what I will have to do. It makes me sad that she will give up on her hopes and dreams, but, she will have new ones and so will I one day. I just want her to be able to live and not have this disease take away all that she is.
I will pray for you and your family. Take care of yourself and if you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate.
yes, I believe you. I did allow it, so many times, and even when she was taken to jail. she is the one that called 911. I see the codependant in me, although I have also taken myself out of the situation on 100 separate other occasions. I've left my home and taken the 45 min drive back to work to sleep in my office. thank you for your words... they are true and accurate
c
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
i hear your pain. i pray for your wife. the reality is she might be telling the truth that she needs to heal and learn to survive on her own. i have that reality, also. i love my wife more than i love me, which may or may not be good, but her happiness is worth giving up that dream of mine.
it sounds like you are thinking fairly clearly, but i'd like to hear more about your daughter and her frame of mind. forgive me for prodding, but she must also be a priority in your life.
i'm here for/in support
c
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
CJ - I'm so sorry to hear your story. It is a terrible disease and it is hard to come to grips that we are powerless. You are not alone on this journey and it is good you are going to a meeting. Through that you will find experience, strenght and hope. And hopefully serenity and new way to approach. I too was abused and it took some counseling to learn why I accepted it and how I get involved in the vicious cycle and my part in it. I am new to Al-Anon as well, 3 months now, and it has already been a blessing and a relief. You will be in my prayers tonight. Try to keep the focus on you and your health as much as possible.
Rescue is and was a huge pattern for me. I rescued the A I live with so many times I lost count. What I ended up with was totally unmanageable resentment and passive aggression. I was consumed with the A and his actions and inactions. I still can be in a second but I have moments of serenity these days. I stll have to deal with the A's craziness I just do it now with detachment and a firm commitment to a program.
I know it helps to be here. I have been here a year at the end of this month and its been life changing for me.
I'm so glad you found Alanon in all the chaos. It can and is a lifesaver, or atleast a sanity saver. We draw strength and knowledge from eachother and no matter what is going on in your life you can find someone that has experienced the same.
When I first came I was so confused I couldn't think straight. Once in a while someone would say a single sentence and it would be lightbulb moment that would smack me in the face. Sometimes the answers are so simple and we are so confused we can't see them until another member brings them to light.
We get so caught up in the insanity that the whole world along with our thinking is distorted. I hope you continue to go to f2f meetings, get phone numbers (and use them) and get a sponsor. It is truly a lifeline.
I so often think of the analogy of people running around the same mountain for years, doing the same things over and over expecting different results. Then one day we stop running around the mountain and discover Alanon. No one is at the bottom to push you, you have to take the first step up. All the members of Alanon are on the mountain at different levels. As we stand at the bottom and look up that huge mountain, everyone of the members has their hand reached out to you to help you up. Some will help a little, some will help alot, but never will you be alone in the journey toward the top.
You have choices now, you always had them but if you are like me I felt the alcoholism ruled my world and I was powerless. Through Alanon I discovered that I could take my power back. If nothing else, at least power over my actions and reactions. Alanon helped me have a plan of action where before I just floundered.
I began to build a life for myself. I no longer sat at home and played the victim roll while my A spent every waking hour in the bar. I went to meetings, I made friends and I forced myself to do things out of my comfort zone.
I enforced boundaries. Not for the A but for myself, we have no control over them. What we can do for ourselves is dig deep and be aware of the things that make us nuts and feel victimized. We can have a plan of action using Alanon tools and no longer put ourselves through the insanity of it all.
I know you haven't been here long but I hope that you realize that when we get between our A's and them hitting rock bottom we act as a cushion, we are doing them no favors. We make it a soft landing. When what they must do to recover is crash and burn. At that point it literally comes down to recovery or death. Those are ultimately the only two options when we step out of the way and quit being the soft place to fall.
Since she has walked out of rehab, I hope you attend as many f2f as you can to build your boundaries and KNOW in your heart what has to be done for your own survival. It's so easy to be manipulated in to "rescuing" them over and over, just to do the same insane dance until next time. With no recovery (yours and hers), the cycle continues. Even though you are new to Alanon there are people here and in f2f that can help you be strong and help you understand the importance of setting boundaries. They can help prepare you and be confident in what you can say when and if she calls. I see this as your opportunity to begin to take back your power, make a plan of action and cut a new path that protects YOU. I hope you can see it that way too.
Take care friend Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
a month later... i just wanted to post this, so we can analyze where we were and how far we've come... this was my story... confused, afraid, sad, angry -- insane.
al-anon has helped me immeasurably; my life is not chaotic, now, i'm lonely, but heck, i can get things done, at least. christmas to me is a day of sharing; i don't have anyone to share it with, but i can refer to my gratitude lists, grab hold of that motivation and paint that wall, chop some wood, clean out my car, dream about the future, put on some old woody hermann or glenn miller records, and have a good day. a good day. those have been very few, and i will take it, no matter if a holiday or otherwise. i CHOOSE to have a good day. i'll go to a local f2f with a smile. maybe i'll go to a nice restaraunt and order a big steak, and tip 'em extra well. and smile.
you see, the strength is in me. the strength is in you, fellow anon'ers. we will NOT curl up and die.
love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
You're awesome! I am praying for you! God is in the business of making miracles. I know.....I've experienced God's miracle. Take care and may God Bless....
As Mel said...you are awesom!!! I am so glad that you are here sharing your story and your recovery with us. You have so much to offer to a slow learner like myself. I am over a year into Alanon and I have come a very long way.
I hope that you will make the best of your Christmas Day no matter what is going on.
Gail
ps----I really like the way messages go to the top of the page when somone posts.
...that with your first dui, you don't lose your license for 18 months...I trusted what he said. He was highly functioning...
