The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a really hard time right now. My program tells me to be honest and say how I feel. I'm having a really hard time now. I know my slogans and tools. I know it is my choice whether or not to make it a good day. I know I can change my attitude. I know it works when I do. But I'm so tired. I'm so..... unhappy/hurt/sad/melancholy......tired, wanting to isolate.....
I heard a song for the first time yesterday. "River" by Sarah McLachlan. "I wish I had a river I could skate away on...." Haunting melody. Another line in there about teaching her feet to fly. I feel I've lost my own wings. Well maybe not lost them, they're just too tired, maybe my feathers are moulting away...haha... I'm listening to this song over and over. It really speaks to me right now.
I remember the last time I went through a very hard time. Felt like a death, went through all the grieving stages, it was so hard (change/growth certainly can be). Maybe this is just AFGO (Another F'ing Growth Opportunity).
I feel a bit better getting this out, putting it out here to my friends, being honest, saying how I feel. Remind me please why I'm here (not these rooms, but in my life), remind me why I simply don't run away, remind me of the things I know but can't feel right now, help me lift my wings again.
It's okay to cry... yes, it's okay to cry, right?
Love, Kis
SARAH McLACHLAN LYRICS
"River"
It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on But it don't snow here It stays pretty green I'm going to make a lot of money Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene I wish I had a river I could skate away on I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me You know, he put me at ease And he loved me so naughty Made me weak in the knees Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on I'm so hard to handle I'm selfish and I'm sad Now I've gone and lost the best baby That I ever had Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh I wish I had a river I made my baby say goodbye
It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace I wish I had a river I could skate away on
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
My heart goes out to you! Everyone has emotional days I would think. With a holiday coming and no plan whatsoever for tomorrow, I feel a bit that way too.
The boys are hunting (which is such a blessing), I'm at work and my AW is in "her little self-imposed prison". I don't even know where to begin to look for my heart right now.
But tomorrow is a new day, and a day of thanksgiving and gratitude for my family. I am determined to have a good one. But I cried at my F2F when I told them of a story a dear friend sent my way when I was feeling bad. They had never heard "I wish you enough..." but they have now.
If you don't know why you feel so bad, then just cry. Ask you HP to let you in on the secret. You are a wonderful person, and have been a godsend on this board, and I know you will do what you need to find your heart again.
Until then you can borrow mine if you like. It's a bit dusty, but still works from time to time.
I will keep you in my prayers this thanksgiving.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
We all feel that way at one time or another.Part of it is being codependent and not knowing how to take care of ourselves. Part of it is that life is tough. I will be walking home soon to an empty house. First time in 30 some years, actually my whole life, that I won't be waking up to sharing Thanksgiving with someone. Can't change it so I might as well face it straight on. Walk thru your pain and see what is on the other side. And then surrender to it.
Some of my worst days are what I call "this is how much I know" days. Where I know the program, know the tools & slogans, only it just isn't working at the moment. Sometimes I just go out to my deck and let loose about the boat load of crap that I'm going thru, how it just sucks and I feel like crap. Then I ask my hp to take it from me, because I just can't seem to let it loose. Most of the time it just feelings, not a particular event or situation, it just feelings. In my head I want to be thru with that part, I want to move on to feeling better but just can't seem to. It hasn't failed me yet, seems like not long after HP sends someone my way to help lift me up and carry me thru.
Why are you here? Can I selfishly say, to bless others? You posted a reply to someones post recently that spoke to me -- I almost PM you (wish I had). I see what you give here in this room, I can only imagine what others receive from you in your "real" life. Here is a thought, Have you been giving to yourself? Have you take time to refill yourself? (please, don't say you can't right now -- sometimes we really can't afford not to.)
Okay, now about the music, come to my house, my daughter will force you to listen to Fergilicious -- hehehe, (rolling my eyes here). Or my son, he'll sing for you "Does your Chain hang Low." That will make you laugh Hang in there.
Because you are a beautiful person and lots of people love you. Somedays it feels like we are getting our butts kicked ..but thats ok ....tomorrow we may be doing the kicking
It truly has got to be the air here lately. I was just right where you are a few days ago. After I had done everything I knew to do and still no resolution to my feelings, I broke down and cried. As I lay there crying, I prayed to God, my HP, please tell me your will. The next morning, the air had changed. I was able to get through each one of my challenges.
Congrats hon, you posted, giving a voice to our feelings is so important. And, lucky you, you have all of us.
I pray for a serene Thanksgiving.
Love ya, Maria
P.S. Here's my newest Christmas favorite -- I caution you get out the tissues
Shedaisy: I sold your Rolex To buy that gold Versace dress Rascal Flatts: I set free your whiny French poodle So you could get your beauty rest
And I did it all for you I did it all (I did it all) for you This Christmas (This Christmas) All your dreams (All your dreams) Will come true
Rascal Flatts: I put your mother on a greyhound (you did what?) You always hoped she'd have the chance to see the world-now she can Shedaisy: I torched your Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues (No, no, no,no) So I could be your only girl-and now I am
And I did it all for you I did it all (I did it all) for you This Christmas (This Christmas) All your dreams (All your dreams) Will come true
Shedaisy: How can I forget All you've done for me I'll get you yet Rascal Flatts: This is the season to give But I can never forgive the damage that you've done (Damage that you've done) This must be love
Shedaisy: I sank your bass boat (Not my bass boat, no, no, no) So you'd have more time to spend with me Rascal Flatts: I hocked your grandma's diamond earrings (AHHHHH!) For the down payment on my SUV Shedaisy: Fully loaded, heated seats, in hunter green-is this for me?
And I did it all for you I did it all (I did it all) for you This Christmas (This Christmas) All your dreams (All your dreams) Will come true
-- Edited by Maria123 at 19:37, 2006-11-22
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You are here my sweet friend because it is what will make you better. You are here because you are a sweet soul and want to reach out, reach out and receive help, reach out and be honored enough to give help. I am always touched when one of us is so open to share honestly about what haunts them. I won't belittle your intelligence with Alanon tools right now. I would much rather shower you with unconditional love. Love you girlie, this place is so much better with you here. I am so glad you continue to come and share.
It's ok to cry; tears are oceans of healing, that's why they're salty. It's ok to feel anger, sadness, loneliness, and frustration. All are natural emotions in our human experience. What we are here on this planet for, is to have these experiences and expand within them. Remember, whatever we are going through, we are going THROUGH it. We are more than our physical selves, we have the awareness of what's going on within us and around us. And in the depths of troublesome emotions we can find the clarity that we no longer want to suffer. We'd rather be happy. And so it begins. Little by little we can remember who we really are, beautiful spirits, manifestations of One consciousness. We are the sunbeams, always connnected to the sun, never forgotten, never left behind. We have forgotten, perhaps, in the play of life, in the search for satisfaction outside of ourselves. In the natural tendency to allow each other to be free, we find ourselves sometimes trapped in the effects of the other's choices to find satisfaction in drinking, or other things. Whatever it is that brings us sadness or disatisfaction, we realize we don't want to feel that way, we don't like to feel that way, we really do wish to be happy, to be whole. And that in itself is the first step, because if everything were always fine with us from the day we were born, would we ever bother to go inside to reflect and contemplate and talk to God?
"In my reflection of sadness and sorrows,
I retain my affection for God and tomorrows."
That's part of a poem I wrote when I was a young boy. My gift to you, sweet kis, who has given so much to so many in your brilliant, compassionate way. thank you
