The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me......I know for no doubt my husband is gone to me...this I know....I can't seem know this in my heart......I keep trying to see a glimpse of him somewhere........I think I do....and then in a second he is cracking and drinking again......
I thought I had made some progress.....maybe I have.... the pain is great....I saw my hub this weekend....I decided to go out, get the hell out of the house and around some adults....well never guess who walks in....well did he want me because I had some cash...or was it because other men find me attractive...or was he afraid that maybe, just maybe I might meet someone and finally have the courage to move on once and forever.....I don't know.....I just know I have to move in a direction that is right for me.
Anyway, he can't have me and the drugs....I will not go down that path again.....
You have made progress. I hate when I go "back there," it feels like I'm starting over. The part that shows me I have made progress is that I don't seem to stay "there" in those feelings as long. It's not that it's any less painful or less full of those Why questions, it's just that it doesn't seem to last as long and I'm able to get back to serenity sooner. It's just one step in front of the other.
As far as the his reasons for coming in to see you, well for me I just tell myself, his reasons don't matter. What if it is because he's worried about what I'm doing or if there is someone in my life...it doesn't take away his problem or change things. He is still the same, things are still the same with him, I'm changing and he's not (yet, anyhow). I am moving forward. If I stop and think well maybe he's doing this because, does me no good. Again, even if it is because he is worried or even cares about me, his addiction reigns at the moment. Little flickers of hope are like strings to me, something that I cannot jump onto because the string will break (and usually my heart too) So I keep telling myself "HP knows how I feel, I could love this man. He has a HP too, one day I pray he'll find Him. Until then, God grant me the serenity to...."
I'm praying that you'll continue to find the strentgh to keep moving forward.
... that at least for me, the reality sunk in, after years and years of trying to look at life and my circumstances "as they are", as opposed to how I "wanted them to be". This part of self-honesty was very definitely the toughest part of my recovery, and I had a lot of support to get there.
I was "stuck" in that mode for years, of trying to save an awful marriage with an active alcoholic.... My counsellor almost yelled at me, saying loudly "Tom, you are trying to save a white picket fence marriage, but guess what?? - yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!" I think I heard that, in one way or another, about 1000 times before it finally register, but it finally DID register.
Sorry for your pain, but I guess if there is any consolation, it is helping you see the truth for what it is.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You keep looking for the real him because you care for him and you have hope that he will reappear, and that is ok--you have the right to feel what you feel. You will be able to let go of him if, and when, it is the right time for you to do it. Until then, cut yourself some slack and be gentle with yourself. You are not supposed to be perfect, none of us are. This is a program of progress, not perfection!! In the meantime, keep the focus on you and on your own recovery and trust that your HP will keep you strong during your journey!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
You responded to my crisis and now I am doing it for you. That is what we are here for, right? I totally understand what you are talking about. My AH was straight for 6 months and 1 week!!!! I was so proud of him. Granted, I haven't been happy w/my life but I was proud of him non the less. And I felt that I couldn't leave him b/c how would he ever recover and stayed recovered if he didn't have me to lean on. Well let me tell you, I just looked up the credit card bill on-line from his 4 1/2 day binge this week.....he racked up $1090.00 in cash advances and $90 in fees. REALITY CHECK!!!! I can't fix him by staying married to him. He needs a miracle to see himself through this and I am not a miracle worker. So you and I, in this sinking boat, will do what we have to do to stay afloat and find dry land. We shouldn't feel bad about what we have to do for our own survival. We need to lift up our chins and get on with our own recovery!!
Ok, I am getting off of my soap box. I need to take my own advice. Easier to pitch it than to swallow it. LOL. Good Luck.
It's me again......I do feel your pain, and I'm so sorry for you. I know you are grieving a loss. It takes time to heal and make the pain diminish. Keep taking those "baby steps" forward. Keep trusting God for His best. I do believe that God is in the business of changing lives, especially our life!......never give up hope. You have two beautiful children God has blessed you with.....love them like you do. I am praying......Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
the A I live with was at one time wonderful. He was a rock for me to lean on. I think now hte did a great cover up job. At that time he had a reckless driving ticket and should not have been driving. He didn't care then and he doesn't care now about his issues. He just does a great job of covering up.
There are things I had with him that were good there are also the incredibly bad times. I have to remind myself its a mixture. I also have to remind myself there is a way forward. I have seen you move forward tremendously over the past year. Holidays are a difficult time everyone is a couple of a family seemingly. I think its pretty hard contemplating a break up or initiating a break up at this time (not that any time is easy).
I think its phenomenal that you can honor your feelings and speak about them. So much of my time with the A is all about not honoring my feelings, not managing them and letting them get totally out of control.
