The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had a fight with my dad this morning. It just came out of me, all this anger. He is in the program but lately he's been getting everyones attention in the house coming home on the weekends miserable. It has been lousy. I let it go until today and let it out of me. It was painful to see me yelling at him like I used to do when i was a boy. I said "this is what you made me to be!" "You made me to be the conscience you never had!" You made me to raise my parents when I was 10 years old, and here I am yelling at you again and you still don't listen to me!
God what a day. He turned from the conversation to make amends to my step family. I know he is in a lot of pain. His life has been tough. Today was a bad day for me too, because I am also cleaning up some of my own mess today.
We had supper tonight as a "family". It was good to see dad trying to relax and be friendly to people he usually drives batty. I love him and feel so angry about this disease! Even when he gets cleaned up for 13 years he still struggles with the insanity, fear, isolation. God. I feel so screwed up emotionally today. I saw my ex girlfriend, haven't seen her in seven years, now she is married. God.
I just want to go die under a tree somewhere. (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Love you all - keep coming back - its a b**** to fight this battle alone!
Oh Noah, you are far from being alone. I am sorry all this happened. It always seems when I am down, everything starts to hit when I am weak. That is what I love about this program. It gives me strength. I have been in Alanon since April of 05. I still have my weak moments, not nearly as often. One thing is for sure....I always know, I am never alone.
Sounds as though your dad may be in a dry drunk at the moment or has reached a plateau in his program. He has bumps in his program too. We are all human. Sometimes, our past demons creep up on us and we lash out trying to protect ourselves.
In program or not, memories are memories and feelings are feelings. It sounds like what's really going on is that you feel as if your father isn't acknowledging your feelings and needs like you feel they need to be, just like when you were younger. I think also there's a certain very delicate bond between mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and scholarly documentation has a wide prospective on how a substance abusing parent of the same gender affects the prospective of that child: I know for me my mother's absense allowed me to be vulnerable to my father, a sexual preditor. So I know for me, it was a case of "Ultimately, no one will care what happens to me. I will die alone and unknown. No one will care."
I hope you come back, Noah. I hope also you get ahold of a sponsor. They make a world of difference.
