The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am wondering if there is anyone on here that has had to deal with thier A finding soberity thru AA and who had an affair with another AAer?. I am struggling so much with the conflict between what working a 12 step program means (ie letting him work his program and have secrets) vs recovering and trying to rebuild our marriage after the affair (ie complete honest needed)
I have not had this experience. However, I encourage you to talk about it and get insight. I hear about it here as well as in the rooms. I do not think it is uncommon and like anything else with this disease, you are not alone. Someone else has been where you are.
Well Ernie , I can tell u one thing for sure AA does not recomend 13 stepping at anytime. There are vulnerable people in recovery and people who don't care if a person is married or not that has nothing to do with AA , it's the person . not the program.
And as to wether an AA member gets honest or not ,there is not much anyone can do about that ,it's thier trip . Infidelety is common in our marriages but totally unexceptable drunk or sober. JMO . I rarley listened to much of what my mother used to say but I never forgot her telling me YOU CAN FORGIVE ANYONE , ANYTHING ======== ONCE !!!
Please don't blame the AA program for the morals of people u meet in it. We can't give others morals and values they either have em or they don't . Louise
(((tiger))) good to see you too. Hope you are doing well.
(((Confused))).. thanks for your support. I guess that is exactly why I posted this thread here. Hoping to find someone who has experienced that horrible 13th step and has dealt with trying to reconcile the marriage. Ill leave this post as an open request for anyone who has been here. pm me if you would rather.
I don't know there is a norm to recovery. I do know that many many people including myself report forms of betrayal. In my case the A I live with merges with other friends and gives them more priority than he does me. He denies it to the end.
I feel betrayed a lot of the time. I feel like I am last on the list. I have had to learn not to take his behavior personally. That kind of detachment is very difficult. I have to practice it all the time. Oddly enough I am finding it very handy at work.
I was in a group for a while where 13th stepping was common. There seemed to be not much people could do about it. At the same time I think it was a sign the group wasn't healthy. I think its pretty hard to find a group where the concentration is on recovery. So many people can get caught up in things, some outward sign of recovery. For me at least much of recovery is inward not necessarily outward. Maybe the outward comes later for some of us.
I know for me living with an active A there are all kinds of betrayal and lies and I have learned how to expect and anticipate them being in al anon. I have also learned to be less idealistic at work. I tend to be somewhat idealistic and naive. I think people do lie and betray us they may not mean to but they do it. For some of us recovery means that we expect the A to change overnight, they don't and then we feel betrayed. Expectations is a huge part of my recovery. I expect very very very little from the A I don't get so severely disappointed then. I also don't expect so much from my friends and try to be as self reliant as possible.
The big picture of what I really want in a relationship is out there. I know I want courage, honesty, fortrightness, humility and intimacy. My chance of getting that with an active A is zero for me at least. So I look for what can I get which isn't much but I am at least honest wiht myself about my expectations. I don't hide them behind a fantasy.
Fantasy is such a huge part for me. I have to confront my fantasies daily about everything, plan b the works.
