The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Abf and I are breaking up. I have a new place to live and move next week. I have no option. He has been living a crazy ahcohol and drug fuelled life recently, and I am able to take no more. I know I am doing the right thing.
I feel strong that I have finally put my plans in place. Last night I was "at home" sorting out some things. He tells me he's happy that we are going our seperate ways, that he's looking forward to being able to do exactly as he pleases at the weekends without having to worry (!!!??) about my reaction and that he's really excited about meeting someone else (who doesn't have my long list of faults, naturally). He also pointed out AGAIN that I ofcourse will always be single, that no one would possibly ever want anything to do with me.
He taunted me so much with this last night. I tried to ignore him and organise my things, but in the end he started to get to me too much and I knew I had to get out.
I left, calmly telling me not to expect me back. He made it clear this would please him!
I knew he was relying on me to drive him to work this morning. I felt so guilty about abandoning him. (I know he will blame me if he loses his job, he's on borrowed time at work already) I knew I had to get out though. I went. I stayed at my sisters for the night.
Today, I am eaten with guilt. I know the insults were his disease talking, and all the rest. Maybe I'm making excuses for him. It doesn't make it any easier though. I'm going to meetings and trying to focus on my recovery all the time lately, but today I am overwhelmed with guilt.
Can anyone help me understand this feeling? Am I so bad really? This seems to be taking a long time to pass.....
You're not bad. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. My husband started in on me with the same kind of stuff after being served with divorce papers. Sounds like he's desperate and will say anything to get a reaction out of you. I think leaving and staying at your sister's was probably for the best, rather than staying and trying to fight back with the disease.
Keep up the good work, keep getting stronger and taking care of you.
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
It's hard to not feel guilty - and it's OK to feel guilty as long as you don't give in to the guilt. You've been in a relationship for a long time. These are feelings that just can't be turned off right away - even when breaking up. Forgive yourself for feeling guilty and remind yourself of what you are gaining.
I know that when I've felt guilty, I feel like I'm giving up - and think I can fix the other person, or I think that other people will think I'm a horrible person for abandoning someone who supposedly needs help.
What I also got from your post is that your bf is an A, and made it clear that he wants you out as much as you want to be out. Your Abf will learn (quickly) that he is responsible for everything in his own life when you move out. He is also responsible for getting himself to work should you not be there (for family emergencies, visiting friends out-of-town, or just getting out like you did). Since you made it clear to him that you wouldn't be back - and he acknowledged that, then he became responsible for getting himself to work.
AND - you're not responsible for how he performs at work. If he loses his job - it isn't your fault!
These feelings will go away. It does feel like it takes a long time for these feelings to pass, but they will.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that when you work on your own program, and are in the process of rebuilding your own life - that people in your life that were comfortable with "the old way" of doing things - will try to stop you from making any changes. This is normal. Your feelings are normal. That's why it's important to be kind to yourself.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...you did your part, the rest is up to him. You are NOT bad, in fact, you are quite the opposite. I'm glad to hear that you are working your program! I know it's tough, but I do think the toughest part is over for you. What a great future you have ahead of you!
Funny thing, we think that when we aren't able to "get them to work, feed them, cook their meals, tell them what to do, wipe their ", that they will NOT survive. What a bunch of crap...LOL! (It's nice to be a superhero, huh?)
His destiny is his destiny, yours is yours. You are only responsible for your well being. What a load off your shoulders!
I am sorry you are feeling bad, guilt is horrible, but you don't have to stay there. This is a sad situation, but it is reality, and it sounds like the disease is for sure talking to you, trying to bring you down. It sounds like he wants to hurt you and act like he will be just fine without you. Remember that often the A is more dependent upon US than we are on them. They often have a smug, arrogant stance that makes us feel so small and worthless, and then we want to rescue them so we will look bigger in their eyes. You are doing the most loving thing for him, letting him go. Perhaps there is a chance now for recovery for him.
You are strong in leaving, I know it is the hardest thing to do. Remember that it is normal to grieve a relationship (or what you wished it would be) and normal to feel guilt, but not necessarily stay in the grief or guilt.
Good luck and love and many prayers. It sounds like you are strong and moving forward and taking care of what you need to, yourself right now...!!
Just letting you know that there's women like me who envy your strength of getting out!! I have to wait until next Spring to escape my "A", because I wasn't strong enough to do it this past June. GRRRRRRRRRRR...I just want to kick myself in the butt soooooooooooo BAD for being so weak!!! You are helping others whether you realize it or not. I can't wait for the day when I can write what you did!! And by the time that day comes, you can believe I WON'T have any guilt feelings about it. I hope you'll continue to keep us updated here. I need the encourage-ment!! Thoughts and prayers go out to you from me BIG TIME!!! Good luck and best wishes to your new life. And YES! Someone will want you, don't you believe that they won't!! I've heard that line before too! Hugs, Korinne
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
I know it's tough, but I do think the toughest part is over for you. What a great future you have ahead of you!
", that they will NOT survive. 
What a bunch of crap...LOL! (It's nice to be a superhero, huh?)