The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Whenever the hubby was drinking and made promises, I just stopped believing them. I was so angry with him. I was angry at myself for falling for the same old line. At some point I came to realize the only promise he could keep was to keep drinking. You know how they tell us never to argue with an A when they are drinking or high? Well same thing goes for the promises they make. It's the alcohol talking. Nothing more. It hurt like before I came to realize this. In the end, realizing the booze was talking saved me a lot of grief and angst.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Having an Plan B for when they do make those promises also helps, especially if they make plans for you when they are sober.
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Those promises sound so good don't they. The feeling of getting excited about something or feeling hopeful only to be let down time and time again. I have been caught in that trap several times and it hurts. Its so disappointing... I think to myself I wouldn't break a promise if I made it. Now I take everything he says with a detached attitude. I usually say something "Oh o.k. that sounds great honey", but in my heart and mind I'm already telling myself if he follows through great, but don't expect him to follow through. Until the actions line up with the words I don't believe anything he promises. It is sad that it has to be that way, but until he learns for himself and feels for himself how disappointing he is to people he will not step outside of his turmoil and chaos to follow through. Its funny because my A's father is a promise breaker too. It breaks my A's heart everytime his Dad says we'll do this or that, or I'll give you this or that and he doesn't follow through. I used to think it strange that he continued to break promises with me and others while knowing first hand the disappointment he feels. It's that symptom of A'ism having a lack of compassion and responsibility to self and others.
My A is trying his hardest to follow through now, for himself and other's. I however am trying very hard to maintain a detached with love attitude and not get my hopes up. Seeing is believing for me, I'm starting to see but it has taken a long long time for my A to come to this growth. Give it time and patience and practice the art of detaching with love.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think for me, I know that it's the little girl in me that gets upset when promises get broken. I get upset that I don't get to kee what I think was rightfully mine all along. I know jounaling helps. I know talking with my sponsor helps. I know going to meetins helps. And again, keeping my expectations realistic.
What a sad thing, dealing with the ups and downs of this disease, which includes them making promises and breaking them seemingly every time.
I have gone through this all year long. I finally listened to someone here that said, don't expect anything. It is kind of a weird way to live because we always made plans together and had so much fun, AH and I. But, I began to realize that alcohol was number one and that he had plans with the disease before me. That is the reality of the situation, and a Plan B is definitely necessary.
The more you get out and do things and not center around what he will do, the better you will feel. It is really really hard to do at first, but you will become stronger and feel much better. Meetings, and meeting new people and friends in your same situation is so important.
I wish you the best of luck and love, prayers for you and your A to find recovery, both of you...
I have learned not to trust what the active A's in my life say. If they follow through I consider it a bonus. If they do not - I have a backup plan. I found that expecting an A to keep a promise is setting myself and them up for resentments which were not healthy for me. Also keep in mind that the A's at the time of making the promise usually mean what they say. However, the disease takes over and all bets are off. Having a backup plan or doing things for myself really helped me in my recovery as well as helped primary A in my life to get his stuff together. I hope this helps.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
At some point I came to realize the only promise he could keep was to keep drinking. You know how they tell us never to argue with an A when they are drinking or high? Well same thing goes for the promises they make. It's the alcohol talking. Nothing more. It hurt like 
before I came to realize this. In the end, realizing the booze was talking saved me a lot of grief and angst. 