The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm being quiet. Along the lines of if nothing good to say don't say anything. Last week I wrote about spending the night at my Mom's, it was nice ... would have been nicer if I had not beat myself up for telling my A he could not come along. So dumb, we're getting divorced, he never wanted to come along when I went before. My surprise when I got home was he hammered holes in the basement walls ... mad, thought money was in the walls, wanted to punish me ... who knows. I know I should document it, get him kicked out. i am just not ready i guess, i am ready to leave just scared of what I may end up being responsible for. I don't want to give him any reason to use me as an excuse again, i think that is my reluctance for telling him to leave. Giving him a powerful tool of destruction to use against me every time I try to do something nice for myself.
One way or another it will work itself out, i keep praying the short sale goes through FAST and I can hold on until then. That would give me the ultimate goal, able to go, no responsibility, and not being an excuse. I'm not asking for much am I? LOL
On the positive side, every act, every drunken ramble, every badly covered up deed he feels guilt about is more and more obvious to me. I'm being quiet here too just watching, not seeing anything I like, firming my decisions in my mind.
Thank you all for your posts, I read as much as my eyes will let me til they decide to straigten out again. I may need to continue being quiet for a while, I'm here, I care and am backing you all 100% even if I don't always say it.
Being quite was the first thing I had done in a long time.... for me. I had grown so tired of the endless stream of arguments over issues that had no basis in reality, I had grown so sick of getting all wound up inside at not being understood, even when I was being agreeable. Quite acturally works, it allows the little tornado to go spinning around and allows me to watch and not try and control what is not controlable.
I had a really hard time doing that, but in hindsight it did allow me to distance myself from the chaos.
And of course you KNOW we are here for you too! Hang in there, you are doing great!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
