I have an affair...I am scared... - Al-Anon Family Group

Newme · Member

I have an affair...I am scared...

ally · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((newme)))))))))))))))

I only got one thing to say to you.

YOU are human, you have needs, you are NOT a bad person.

You also have a duty to yourself to be True, Honest and Happy.

I really hope you can work it out without too much heartache.

(Alcoholics bring alot of grief into poeples lifes) (dont blame yourself, blame the illness)

Love Ally

(I am NOT saying I condone affairs)(for anyone who's getting ready to slaughter me ok) (lol)

irish54 · Senior Member

Hi Newme

Yes, I have been there ! Not proud of it, but I have. I'm also learning not to carry the guilt finally after 20 years ....it got REALLY heavy!!!!

The affair did end my marriage, and it was ugly and painful, but the marriage had ended way before. I had been married for 19 years to an alcoholic, and I had no idea how to express my needs or desires to him. I was like you, a compliment here or there and a few kind words and a smile.....it was easy. I was so starved.

In restrospect now, I would do things different. Hindsight is always 20/20 ya know.

Someone at that time told me to follow my heart .... sounds good, but ya gotta go with your head and heart both! Take some time for yourself to know where you are and why. Don't make any hasty decisions.

If you aren't already doing so, find a f2f meeting, and please come back here. We all love each other and support you whatever your decision.

Love and hugs,

Irish

ZiggyDoodles · Senior Member

I agree will Ally.

With my A, I found myself walking on eggshells and being the perfect little wife. He did all kinds of bad stuff....but I stayed good. When I first started going to meeting he thought bad thoughts with all the men there. I never felt like what he did deserved an eye for an eye. I wasn't going to give in to a temptation to give him that satifaction.

I even became very close to a person in the program and I have been dating this person, since not too long after seperating from the hubby. Hubby thought it was going on the whole time. I know the truth and the other guy knows the truth. That is all that matters. I didn't have to give in to an affair to make it even between the hubby and I.

Point is, it doesn't make it right for me to do bad things just because someone else does.

This is just my experience...mine only. We are all human and we are all foulable....it does not make us bad people. Sometimes, not everything is a mistake. The steps we take to care for ourselves and those around us is what is important. Becoming a person I can live with and look in the mirror.

Ziggy

For God's Sake Don't Shoot!

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate.

I was in mexico for a month working. Boy, what a relief not to be around my abusive ah.

I had a great time working and on the weekend playing.

The last night of my trip I went to the Hard Rock dressed for success.

I picked up a guy and we went back to my hotel.

I had guilt for a year.

Then I was on another business trip and let a customer pick me up for a one night. Not cool...

This was about the time my awareness of the issues in my marriage started. No sex in 4 years got me thinking strangely and acting out.

This was in Febrauary. By May I had made my plan B and left.

I spent 13 months alone after that by choice, starightening out my life with the help of alanon and my HP and my good friends.

Keep coming back

In support

megan

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((NewMe))))) <==== these are hugs by the way

Welcome to MIP and your recovery! I can't answer any of your questions directly. But here people offer up their experiences, stories of thier strength and offers of hope. It can be quite a lifesaver, has been for me.

You are most certainly not a horrible person. You are human however, and we make mistakes some times.

You are already showing great strength by admitting that might not have been the proper thing to do, and by coming here and looking to help yourself. Living with the disease of alchoholism is more than most can take. It is a devistating addiction. It is not my place to judge anyone here, I have something to share for you that might help.

I didn't have an affair, but my AW did. For whatever reason, she turned to someone else and it hurt, but I love her and she convinced me she loved me too and would not do that again. We got back together, and that is not an issue for us any more. So it is very possible that this may not be the end of your marriage. It very much depends on the two of you.

I hope you will stay and continue to participate here. There are many who have been right where you are, and you won't find a more loving and safe place than this one.

Take care of you!

-- Edited by rtexas at 17:35, 2006-11-10

ditto · Senior Member

Hi Newme,

Years ago, when I was in a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man, neither of us cheated. We had no reason to want to be unfaithful as we were both happy. We had every reason to not want to be in an affair because we didn't want to risk destroying the marriage. During that marriage I could never understand why anyone would want to be in an affair. After he died, I wanted that level of closeness with another man and I married my ex-husband.

My ex-husband is alcoholic. He was extremely abusive. He physically hurt me, my dog, and his dog. He verbally abused me. He broke my furniture. He sabotaged anything that he could. Eventually he even killed his dog. I could not trust him. I felt no closeness with him. Emotionally he was distant. It was during this marriage that I came to understand why people would want an affair.

I have since happily divorced him. I never had an affair because I did not feel that I could live with the guilt I would feel. I do believe he was having an affair, although by that point I really didn't care because I didn't even like him any more. In fact, I was happy he was having the affair because it gave him the emotional strength he needed to let me have that divorce.

Since then I have joined a divorce support group. I read lots of stories about men and women who have had affairs. Their marriages have all ended (obviously, because this is a divorce support group) and the general consensus is that these affairs helped the unhappy spouse to either (1) find the emotional strength to end the marriage, (2) survive the unhappiness inside that marriage. Additionally, among those whose spouses cheated the overwhelming majority (1) felt that it was dishonest and deeply hurtful to the non-cheating spouse, (2) that it would have been better had the unfaithful spouse ended the marriage prior to beginning an affair, (3) that it created a lot of anger.

However, this is really a judgment call. You have to live with your decision and you have to feel right about what you are doing, you have to know that you can live with the consequences of your actions, and you should understand that the consequences may include hurting innocent people like children.

Meanwhile, here is some data about affairs:

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

http://womensinfidelity.com/press_releases.html

I'm sending you best wishes and hope that whatever choices you make will make you happy.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in this relationship longer than any other and I am also very very lonely. I can empathise a great deal.

I hope you will not beat yourself up over this.

You are certainly human dealing with an impossible situation.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.