The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to start marriage counseling, but I am not sure if it is too soon. AH has said taht he is willing to go, he knows we have much to work through. I am afraid that it may be too soon and am also afraid of what I may hear. I have slept on the couch a couple of times in the past few weeks as he has been talking in his sleep off & on since he started his 4th step. When this happens, it is usually about other women. I realize that these mumblings could be nothing, but that is not what my gut tells me. The first time it happened, I asked him about it (and did a lousy job of it) but it just erupted into a big thing and he ended up feeling like drinking. Now I know that I did not MAKE him want to drink, but I do not want to bring things up that could be more than he can handle right now. I really want to do this right, and I feel stuck. I don't think I can do what is best for me afraid that it will cause him harm or slow his progress. Any help???
And what you are going thru is called "walking on eggshells" around the alcoholic. If you really believe that you are not responsible for his drinking you can get a sponsor if you don't already have one and trying working on the subject of "the fears of" such as angering the alcoholic, making mistakes that you will be sorry for, compulsive looking over your shoulder to check that he is okay, all those other "fears of." You are right about taking it slow, one little step after another. It is very great to have a sponsor one that you can get to quickly when you are feeling unsure about yourself and what you are doing; someone with lots of recovery experience. And keep coming back here for more ESH, suggestions and (((((hugs)))))
We go to very, very dark places in our past on those 4th steps. For me it was the hardest step to get through. It was also the most important step for me to get through. We have to work through our past.
If it were me, I would just take it with a grain of salt, if he is working on his 4th step. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior....but, I need to give him the room he needs in his recovery with as much dignity as possible.
I don't know if you have a sponsor and working the steps. I hope that you do. Now, is the time for you to work on your recovery. Keep coming back. I am almost certain a counselor would recommend Al-anon for you as well as therapy if they felt you needed the therapy.
Thank you both for your responses. I don't really believe that I am walking on eggshells, but I will look into the "fears" thing that you mentioned. That sounds helpful. I am attending meetings and working the steps, but I do not have a sponsor yet.
I will talk with my husband this weekend and see how he feels about the counseling, or if he needs more time. I was freaking out a few weeks ago, so I did see a counselor who works out of the base hospital. I think he is a civilian and I am certain my husband would rather see a civilian for marital counseling.
I understand where you are coming from-I think. My Ah has 3months w/o drugs and 4 w/o alcohol. His sponsor wants us to get into marital counseling very badly--He says it saved his marriage. I too at times want to do it. (Lord knows every couple could use it at times!!!) I have found myself scared to get him there--mainly b/c I'm not sure he could handle the things that I might say. They seem to have such a hard time "growing up" and dealing with the real world. I am so thankful for his sobriety, but I would also like for him to overcome alot of "quirks" as I will call them. Right now I am o.k. with not going--that might change next week if/when he goes through another hugely selfish spell. In the end I just have to realize that if/when we do counseling, I will have to trust my HP enough to help me deal with whatever comes--be it stuff about his past that I just really don't want to know, or maybe him relapsing b/c he doesn't know how to handle things.
When my AH worked his 4th step--part of me wanted to know everything another part of me kept telling myself--no you really don't! I don't like thinking there is a part of my husband's life that I don't know about (I thought people were to share everything once they got married), but I have to realize that knowing everything may not be the best thing for our marriage. I have to decide what I can handle and what I can't handle.
I don't know what you will decide to do about counseling--I do hope you find a good couselor who you both feel comfortable with! Good luck during this time.
