The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had to try one more time so I calmly told my AH how sad I was and how his drinking was destroying our 30+ marriage. I told him that I have meet wonderful people at an open AA meeting and if he ever wanted to he could talk to one of them. He thanked me and I foolishly hoped he would atleast try and reconnect with me.....well I went out for 2 hours and just returned to an empyt house. His drinking is really getting worse....can't believe he is no longer capable of a loving relationship. I am not sorry I spoke those words...I know my intention was really only to reach out to him...I didn't expect a miracle but I thought just for tonight he would try...I was wrong...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...My son is getting married in a few months so I can't do anything drastic right now...but I know I can't live with this anymore...I grieve for my marriage...I am so sad for all of us who suffer this pain....I will try to find joy in the little things tomorrow but for tonight I grieve...I hate the nights...God help us all
I feel sorry for us too. Tonight I am especially feeling sorry for myself. My A just tonight got his 2nd dwi in 16 months and lets not forget the more than I can count on one hand he got while living in RI years ago. He is in total denial. As soon as they let him go he went straight to the store for beer. New York use to count dwi's in other states as traffic violations only but they just recently changed the law so now they will look at all of his (which they were unable to do last year). I figure he is gonna get jail time he thinks he is gonna get off - how deluded is that. Maybe jail time will save his life though I don't think he will get appropriate counselling for his having been sexually abused from age 9 to 14 and therefore his current PTSD so even if he gets jail time I have no doubt he will drink again as soon as he comes out and to tell you the truth I don't see me waiting it out. I have wasted enough of my life. I am not getting any younger and life is just passing me by. I don't have to worry about going to hell when I die I am already there.
Have you had a chance to read "How Alanon works for families and Friends of Alcoholics"? It really is a good place to get a lot of information. The AA Big Book is another you may want to read -- for you, not your A. (To gain perspective)
I know this may be hard to believe but most A's carry a pain inside of them that is much greater than that which we live thru with them. They also have a lot of guilt and fear. This is in no way said to make you feel sorry for him, it's just part of it - and it's real. I believe that Compassion is not pity but "love with understanding." We gain that understanding by learning about what this disease really is. Whether you can live with it or not, is very personal, I just know that whether you stay with it, or leave, you will benefit by learning more about what this disease has done to you and what it is really doing to him.
Hang in there, ODAT -- You have much to celebrate with your sons wedding, let that be your joy for now.
Well said Luna. I agree there is a huge difference between pity and compassion. I know at first when my A told me he felt guilt, fear and pain for the way he was living it was totally unbelievable to me. When I started learning about the disease I started to understand more about him, which in turn helped me understand more about myself and what I was going through. It also made somethings much easier to deal with, i.e. when he would put me down for things. I learned it was nothing personal, he was just lashing out because of how he felt about himself. Learning these things also helped me change how I dealt with him, and the pity changed to compassion, the enabling stopped and making him accountable and receive natural consequences for his actions started. He has now been in recovery for several months and things are slowly getting better. He has bad days here and there and I just need to remind myself, when I start feeling impatient, that he is still learning to deal with life on life's terms.
Joy can be found in many places if we just keep our eyes open.
