The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"I just don't deserve this." "It costs too much." "I can't do it. It's not worth it." I've finally decided to pony up the cash and buy some things I've been looking at buying for a long, long time--2 CD's from Amazon.com (total price with shipping: $30); and some new clothes on clearance from Target.com (Total price with shipping $86.). Now, sharing this with you, the "voices in my head" are on at full blast. "You know what they're gonna say, Sarah." "Why are you even asking for help, Sarah?" "Why are you talking about something like this when there are people with such BIGGER problems, SARAH!?" What's really going on is the fact that I'm scared of spending money. Any money. At all. Growing up in the alcholic dysfunction, money was so rare that we just didn't spend any. Period. End of quote. I cannot tell you what it was like, the Hannukah when I asked my dad to make sure the bills were paid on time--that this would be the greatest gift of all, versus something I really wanted, like a gift certificate to barnes and nobles. A point just came when I realized that if I wanted clothes that fit, if I wanted to be fed, if I wanted to be warm, to use occasions where gift exchanges were involved to ask for things I needed: a trip to the grocery store to make sure I had all my microwave meals; new uniforms that actually covered my legs; bras that actually fit...Just telling you these things is absolutely humiliating and why I don't know. It's not like you're gonna laugh; it's not like you don't understand; of all the people to share this terrible part of my life that I'm working through with, my al anon family is the absolute best. So here's what I'm asking for. I'm asking for help in working through the most destructive and most vocal of my old tapes: the "I'm not worthy" tape and the "I'm daddy's little hooker" tape. By far these two tapes have caused me the most pain, the most hurt, and are still playing on at full blast--my sponsor is adamant that eating is money well spent, and that spending money on groceries is a purchase I am worthy of. Thanks for everything guys. ~Sarah aka Tiger
I too have those money spending tapes. Sometimes it is very scary being left alone inside my head with me! My mom lives with me now and she will go through the grocery bags I bring in telling me what things I should not have bought and her infamous I had a coupon for this! Or the boy you sure know how to blow money.
If I get up the nerve to ask her for more money towards bills she tells me to quit buying food! HUH? Of course you deserve clothes that fit! My parents had some money but my dad was the functioning A and a horder. He scrimped and saved and we went without so that he could have his big pile of cash when he retired. My mom went back to work full-time to pay for stuff for us kids there were 7 in my family. Joke is my dad died at 70 and never did get to enjoy his retirement all that much. The drinking and his inability to sustain family relationships left him unaware of his own diabetes. His sister and brother both had it. But he did not talk to them.
Anyways I guess what I am trying to say is you deserve to buy whatever you want! Target clearance is great! I always check the clearance racks first! Try telling yourself that you are not alone and that your life is not the same as your parents! I did the exact opposite and blew money and got myself in debt when I first went out on my own. Now I watch it cause the credit card adds up fast. But what the heck...you only live once. Let's enjoy what our hard work buys us!
Well... I can honestly say I don't have a bra story for you. LOL But, you are right, many of us do the same things. Feel unworthy and deny self care in order to do X instead which must be more important.
Before you know it, everything is more important that us. That's wrong, but it is a tough lesson to learn.
I think you are doing great. Awareness is the first step, and if step 2 is target... that's great!
Take care of you! <=== You know that is why I sign all my posts this way, right? To remind us both that we are important too!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are making this change, stepping out to spend a little on yourself is NOT a bad thing!!! You deserve to have some nice things, and believe me, the purchases you listed are not much at all! At least you aren't going the crazy way and overspending for therapy like I used to do, and getting into debt!
It sounds like you are facing your fears and taking a chance, doing something for you. There is nothing wrong with it. Music is wonderful and if you have been eyeing those cds for a while, I am so glad you got them!!!
Since I have lost some major weight this year, I was thrift shopping for clothes because I kept going down in size and it seemed stupid to buy brand new clothes when I was hopefully going to lose more. Now I have reached the point where I can buy some new clothes, but I still look for sales.
Whatever makes you happy, I say do it!!!! You sound thrifty in your purchases - it isn't like you are going crazy....
You sound like you are working towards happiness for you and progress towards changing your attitude and self-love!
I understand. When my Ada spent his share of the wages on his illness, there wasn't always much left. I am the eldest and missed out the most. We rarely had new clothes, basic food and treats were rare. My mum tried hard and did well with the meagre amount of money she had. This was ofcourse my norm. I knew no different as a child. I had to learn to survive. I learned not to expect too much. I suppose thats survival.
Now, I earn well for myself, but still find myself naturally being careful. I live a basic life. Maybe I need to be careful with money on order to protect myself, to ensure that I don't end up poor or god forbid being dependant on anyone!!
I am trying to "learn" that I am worthy, that I deserve nice things and good treatment from others. I am trying to appreciate myself more. I think other people appreciate me more than I do myself. Maybe there's learning in this sentence.
I know what you mean about the old tapes paying in your head. And the power they have. But, for me I know I have to take control, and I know that I can! And I know it's very hard too! Every morning I read my Courage to Change and take time to focus myself, and I vow to do at least one thing for myself that day. Most days I do. I try to focus on telling myself I am worth it.
Afterall I wouldn't think twice about buying a nice present for my little nephew or someone else I care about. I try to spend on myself. I can afford it, even though my tape reminds me of how frivolous this may be.
My words of wisdom to you Sarah are that this is your time for you, life is short and you have suffered way way too much already. We all love and appreciate you and your wisdom. Please, please be kind to yourself. You deserve the very best. Sending you prayers, AM
Sarah.... working through our own issues of knowing that we DO have self worth, and ARE worthy of taking care of ourselves, is a BIG growth opportunity, and one that evolves over time.... Your words on this board, have helped so many..... I think.... it is HIGH time that you did something special, just for you.... If the cd's and the clothes do that, then I say..... GO FOR IT.
I appreciate you... and your posts show through, time and time again..... that YOU appreciate you.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Just want you to know you are not alone and you can work thru this. Just a couple of years ago we had a family name swap for Christmas presents, my sister in law asked someone to ask me what I liked, I just said, I need kitchen towels, that's what I wanted. UGH, that's not what I wanted, but if someone else got that for me then I wouldn't have to buy it, because ya know my old tattered kitchen towels, they'd keep working for a While and I really didn't NEED new kitchen towels and on and on and on. Well the fact was yes, I did need new kitchen towels and I DESERVED new towels and I wasn't going to spend a fortune. That year she came up to me and said, I couldn't just give you towels. She had also given me some nice things from Bath and Body Works. This is such a small example, this kind of thing applied to everything, it made it so difficult to make discisions to buy anything, it seemed like any choice I made I berated myself for. It's a horrible way to feel.
I just want you to know that what you are struggling with isn't a small thing, it's real -- and little by little you can over come this. I know, I have. In some ways I'm still working on this, my kids had me make a list of what I wanted for Christmas....I'll admit, I put on there PVC pipe cutters, LOL, but this is actually something I need and want, but today know I can just go buy them.
So with that said, YEAH I hope everything fits you to a T and the music CD sound even better blasting from your stereo. Please post after everything comes in...We'll celebrate your doing something good for you -- YOU DESERVE IT !!
I have always been frugal. I sit on money like it is going to hatch something. I do having small spending sprees, kids need this, kids want this....buy the softer toliet paper, I am sick of buying the generic paper towels, I will splurge on the nice Viva sof ones.
Last Christmas, my grandmother gave me sister and I $100 each. For just the two of us and noone else is what she told us. I hung on to that $100 for months. What if an emergency comes up? The A is leaving and I know I will need it.
I am a clearance rack shopper. I buy the kids clothes from clearance. I buy my underwear from clearance only. I eyeballed a sweater for good long spell. I ended up buying the seater for $50.00! Then I spent a month with it in my closet and with the receipt in it so that I could return it. Then, I had a very short thought of....I am worth a $50 sweater.....I ran into the closet tore the tags off and ripped the receipt and flused it, before I changed my mind. Still took me another month to wear the sweater over the guilt.
When I pulled out the winter clothes a few weeks ago, I pulled the sweater out and haven't come out of it since. I am worth it and so are you!
In working thru my feelings of unworthiness especially about the new house that hopefullly we will have within the next month or so - I had to put it thru the steps with a trusted Al-Anon friend.
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being that I don't feel worthy of nice things & I don't feel like I deserve to have the blessings of my life no matter how small.
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove this feeling of unworthiness.
Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove this feeling of unworthiness.
Step 8 - Made a list of the harm I had done to myself because of this feeling of unworthiness.
Step 9 - Made direct Amends to myself for this harm - (by writing a letter of amends to myself)
These feelings of unworthiness & discounting my ideas is still very common for me, but putting it through the steps helps - Your courage is always so awesome - I know that you & your HP can work you thru this issue!!
Enjoy the cds & great clothes!!
ODAT,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can't think of one person I know that wouldn't be deserving of some clothes and a CD. I do know of one very special one that IS very deserving..(((Tiger))))
When you get your cothes, go outside and show em off and dance to your new CD :)
love ya (((Christy)))
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
HUH? Of course you deserve clothes that fit! My parents had some money but my dad was the functioning A and a horder. He scrimped and saved and we went without so that he could have his big pile of cash when he retired. My mom went back to work full-time to pay for stuff for us kids there were 7 in my family. Joke is my dad died at 70 and never did get to enjoy his retirement all that much. The drinking and his inability to sustain family relationships left him unaware of his own diabetes. His sister and brother both had it. But he did not talk to them. 
