The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was with a guy for 4 months who is an A. He told me he was in recovery and appeared to be on the same page as I...raising his child, working, going to school, looking for a relationship after not being in one for a very long time. I soon found out that he was still drinking but hiding it from me, which caused probs at first as I didn't know what it was that he was hiding. He finally told me the truth...he had never really even stopped drinking. He agreed to stop hiding and I agreed to accept him the way he was...I already loved the guy. We split for several months so he could focus on him...just getting through day to day. I was really hurt but agreed. We got back together a few months after that and all was great until about 8 months later when I went through big life changes (job change, kids moving to their dad's, selling my house, relocating, etc.) and he started drinking heavily (a bottle a day, every day...2 on some occasions), stopped working and his child went to live with the mother. He came to stay with me and made the decision to go to rehab. When he got out he had lost his house and his schooling was on hiatus. He stayed with family and then came to see me about a month later and started drinking...and did not stop. I just let him do his thing. I figured he was a big boy and didn't need me telling him things he already knew. Things got different but they never got bad. Last spring he was still living with me and still wasn't working but had gone back to school. He became very controlling and I felt that I needed space, and asked him for it. During the entire time we were together not one day had gone by that we didn't at least talk on the phone. He moved out, stayed with family for a few days and then went out of state to visit his child. He called everyday. About 6 days later he didn't call and I just had a feeling he was visiting an old gf-I can't even explain why I thought this, there was nothing at all to make me think that. He never even talked about her. I checked it out and sure enough he was there. And he wasn't answering my calls. I finally got her number and called and asked for him...just to let him know that I knew and that I was done. I did not talk to him after that for 5 months, though he called me frequently. I never took his calls. When I finally did, he wanted to come home. I told him that he would have to wait a few days but I sent him the money to make the trip. He blew me off completely. He insisted he was still coming at some point but I just told him off and made him send the money back. I didn't talk to him again until about a month ago. At that point he called me from jail. I didn't answer his call. He left several messages and went looking for me at various friend's houses, telling them to tell me he still loved me, etc. I called him back a few days later and never mentioned any of it. Neither did he. He definitely thought I hated him. I let him think that.
I am so in love with this man it is not even funny. He was my best friend. I've missed him so much the entire time he's been gone.
I have not been involved with an A. before and was just trying to let him do his thing, thinking he needed to stop drinking for him, not anyone else.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about my part in things...and I do have a part. I should have laid some boundaries regarding his drinking around me instead of being a safety net for his drinking. But I didn't know that then.
He never once gave me a reason not to trust him. I honestly believe he just ran into an old gf he hadn't seen for years and was catching up. But I was so afraid that it could be something more I never even gave him the chance to lie to me, or to tell me the truth.
He did end up with her for 6 months. He drank the entire time. She told him he couldn't drink at her house and he did anyways. She told him he couldn't drink at all and he did anyways. He finally got drunk and she threw him out...he freaked out on her and she called the cops. He was very violent with her. I've never seen him like that and we were together day in and day out for many months. I can't even imagine him being like that. But I know it's true.
He also picked fights with her about me all of the time, always calling me when it got bad. I never answered the calls.
About a month ago he was waiting outside the mall for me. I don't know why. He was sober and living with a family member. I asked him to go talk and he agreed. I asked him what really happened...he doesn't really remember too clearly. He said he was still sort of seeing her. I ended up telling him how I really feel about him still and he was shocked. He asked me to call him in a few weeks. I didn't.
But I prayed a lot that he would be okay and be happy. And if it was meant to be, he would come back to me.
He called me. He was working and had gotten a place a few days before. He wasn't drinking when he called. By the time I got there he had had a few drinks but he didn't seem drunk. He said it he was completely done with her and wanted to be with me. I believed him. He spent the next few days telling anyone who'd listen that he was in love with me and had never wanted to leave me in the first place. But he was drinking the whole time. He blew off his classes and work. He had almost no money for his bills. He called me everyday. Then he didn't call me for a day and a half. He didn't answer his phone. I was really worried about him. He always destroys everything before he moves on. Always. I wondered if he was destroying us as well. I wondered if he was back with her.
I prayed a lot for him to seek sobriety, get away from where he was because it was the worse possible place for him to be, and if it was meant to be, that he come back here where he has the best support system possible and he is far away from the things that bring him down. I also prayed that he would come back to me if it was meant to be.
The next morning he had left me 2 messages. I was really scared, expecting him to be telling me he'd gone back to her or something. He said that he was back in town and to call him. I did and I couldn't believe the things he was saying. He had been detoxing on his own for 2 days and he had talked to his boss and told him what was going on. His boss told him he would always have a job, no matter how often he showed up or how much he'd been drinking. He talked to his landlord and was told it was ok and they would work with him on the rent even though he'd only been there a week. He had made other calls too, and all worked out the same way.
Then he had packed his things and drove back here. He had called his sober friend and the family member I had intended to call. They were more than willing to help him. I know he wanted me to offer to let him stay with me, but I didn't. I don't think it would be safe for him.
For him to do this on his own, while still having everything intact is completely out of character for him. He is always forced to seek help and sobriety.
He wanted to see me that day. He was really sick. I knew not to pressure him but I couldn't help it. I asked him about us. He told me not to ever listen to him when he's drinking. I asked him if anything between us was ever real. He said he didn't know, but would tell me at some point...just not anytime soon. He told me he didn't want to see anyone. I told him that I wanted him to stay with me but thought it would be a really bad idea, and that I couldn't any longer be a safety net for when he wanted to drink. He said he understood and that if he were to stay with me at this point it would be for all the wrong reasons. He said he definitely wanted to see me and hang out together, but not to expect anything and that he'd be calling me in a few days.
I was so relieved and happy that he is doing this. But I am so sad and worried that he may not have ever had feelings for me, or that he didn't mean to get back with me last week, or that he really wants to be with her. Her dealbreaker was drinking. Mine is her. I just found myself doubting everything.
He called me today. He asked me for money. That is a sore spot as he owes me a lot of money and I had thought he'd been using me after he blew me off that time. I blew it and asked him if he was really done with her. He wouldn't give me an answer. He got mad and told me that he couldn't deal with that crap right now. He was working on him. He apologized for asking me for money. I told him that by not giving me an answer he was actually giving me an answer. He said fine, bye. I said bye. Neither of us hung up for a time...I actually counted to 50 and I said bye. All this while he was sitting in a parking lot outside the AA meeting hall he had just come from, still sick, with his gas tank on empty and no money in his pockets. I'm not stressing over not giving him money. Him asking me for money is like me asking him about her. We just shouldn't go there. At least not right now.
He was my best friend and we've gone through hell together. I love him regardless of his faults and would walk with him through just about anything. I haven't been able to think about anyone but him since we first got together. It didn't change when we parted. I've never had to deal with alcoholism directly before, and especially to this extent.
Ultimately, all I want is for him to be happy and safe, regardless of who he is with. I truly mean that.
I promised myself that I wouldn't bring up any of the past. I was beating myself up for mentioning us at all the other day. Today was just awful. I don't know why I second guess him so much. I really don't have a reason and I think I do it with a lot of people. I don't let people in easily. And I've never given anyone a chance to hurt me before. Before I had even had a chance to talk about it with him I had decided that we should just try to be friends for now and see how we do. I always told him I could never just be his friend. He knows the extent of my feelings. I have a hard time believing he would see or talk to me at all knowing how I feel about him if he didn't have some feelings for me as well. I know for a fact that he didn't talk to her or see her before he came here. I know for a fact that they are over-for now. I don't know why I put myself through this or him for that matter.
I am so scared that I pushed him to go back there. I want to apologize but I don't think he will even talk to me at this point. I've seen what he goes through and he did not need that from me.
I need to know why I do this and why I go to such great lengths not to get hurt. Because as silly as it sounds, it only ends up hurting me in the long run. sometimes it hurts others as well.
I want to be there for him if he wants me to.
Again, sorry this is so long. I didn't mean to write a book.
I want to start going to Al-Anon but do not want to go alone. I thought I would start here.
GO TO AL-ANON - the love and acceptance you will feel as you walk in the door will put aside all your fears. You will find hope and learn ways to deal with the A and your life.
The first thing I learned was I didn't cause the drinking, I can't control it and certainly can't cure it. So go to meetings at least once a week and more is better in the beginning. I try to make 2 a week and have done 3 with different groups and everytime I feel so much better.
His drinking and problems are not your fault, don't enable and GO TO AL-ANON meetings, call your local churches for times or check the internet for local info - GO GO GO!
I am so sorry you are going through this. As Orchid Lady said, alanon is a safe place to learn about your part in things. And what is not your part at all.
Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease, but there is almost nothing you can do to "make him better, or worse". There is alot you can do to help you be better.
There is a chat line here and chat based meetings as well. The link is in the upper left hand corner of this page.
This place full of people who have been where you are. The effects on loved ones from this disease follows a pretty clear path, and it can be devistating, but there is help.
Keep posting, and asking questions... find meetings in your area if you can. It all helps.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to our MIP family - so glad that you have the courage to join us, but hate that you have been affected by this awful disease.
I would also encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting - they really helped me to deal with the affects of this disease. Not so much as to do anything with the A's, but to learn to take care of me.
Keep coming back - don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know his drinking isn't my fault. I don't think either of us feel that way. I don't think he even sees that I've been enabling him.
I just thought he needed me to accept him the way he was and not pressure him-just let him walk his own road. Looking back, I can now see that I shouldn't have done that. When he came to my house and opened that bottle after working so hard in rehab and being sober, I didn't say a word. I just went on with what I was doing. Saying something may have helped, or he may have done it anyways. But I never should have allowed him to do that at my house. I can't change any of that. I've talked to him about it and he says there was nothing that would've changed anything and don't even think like that. But it bothers me. I feel like he's only been around me because I let him drink around me and he knew that he would be in a safe place while he was drinking. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.
Yesterday he was so sick and scared and all I could do was confront him about her. He's not in contact with her. He was in contact with me. He didn't need that at that point. And he was at the point where everything he was trying to do was starting to look impossible. He was second-guessing himself and I just reinforced that. He was in no shape to be thinking about any of that. I am only human and I've gone through a lot over the past week or so. A lot of unresolved emotions.
He can't be with anyone right now. I want to be his friend. He is my best friend. I need to not worry about the rest until it comes, if it comes. I don't know how to do that. Not just in this case, but in so many other areas of my life.
I am going to call him. I doubt he will answer, but I hope he will. I won't blame him if he doesn't.
I called him. He didn't answer. I left a message. I apolgized for putting him through that yesterday and told him that I realize he doesn't need me second-guessing him at this point. I told him I'd like it if he called.
I hate voicemail.
I am going to do my best not to stress over it when he doesn't call me back. I don't expect him to. Can't blame him either. But I am so wrecked over this whole thing. I haven't been right since he left seven months ago.
Yikes !!! u do have a dilema , please find a meeting quick once settled in our prog u are never alone again. and when your there pick up a pamphet called the Merry go round called Denial. It will answer 90 percent of your questions.
The come here go away relationship perfectly describes trying to have a relationship with a practicing A. You never know where u stand . very confusing !!! keep the focus on yourself and you will be ok . Oh and friends don't treat friends the way u have been treated ,friendship is a give an take not all one taking , money , time , u have developed a patern in yor relationship look at it and realize that it is not getting the results u want and do the opposite. goodluck Louise
I think we have both come to realize that our pattern doesn't work. He made the effort to leave and come here. That speaks volumes right there. He did that all on his own, without destroying all he left behind. He's never made such a serious attempt before. He just needs to do the work. He went to the best place he could possibly go if he is serious. I hope he is.
We had an agreement not to discuss the past or anticipate the future. I broke that agreement. That is mine. And the only reason I have for that is that I am insecure and wondering about things that may never happen.
