The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all, i was feeling really bad, after reading some posts it's a little better now.
Today I decided to go out to my Mom's house for the day, it was in the 60's sunny, perfect for a last fun day with the dogs before winter sets in and i needed to get big ole Sully time to get used to the idea of living with my Mom's zoo.Next week is the foreclosure hearing and I'm ok with doing nothing to stop it .... good thing too since there is no viable alternative. But it means I may be free of the responsibility/homeless (deoending on how you look at it) soon.
I stopped home to pick up Sully, and there sits my A ... now after all the crap of the last year and all the stuff still to come ... why when he asks me if he can come along with us do I feel so horrible telling him, no not today? Moat of the afternoon I have had this sinking gut feeling like I kicked a puppy. There are valid reasons why he could not come along from my stepdad's and mom's point of view and also from mine. I'm scared if I feel this bad saying no for a day when I need the break, how am I gonna find a way to walk away when there is no house to leave him in?
I keep trying to tell myself he is not a child nor blind to the notices in the mail and choices he made or didn't make that brought all this about. I remind myself too that this time I wasn't pulling it all back together no matter how bad it got and this is bad LOL
How do I convince myself kicking a baby bird out of the nest is actually good? More important why do I feel bad letting the consequences fall?
It is my experience that when I began to assert behaviors that were anomal for my dysfunctional system, I began to panic. I began to wonder if all the names I had been called in the dysfunction were correct; truthful; honest.
In reality, this is where that old quote by elanor roosevelt comes in "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You're right--he's a big boy. He can handle the disaster. He can handle the fall out. You're making a game plan for your self. You're handling things one day at a time. So long as you are owning what is yours to own--your actions; your responsibility; your part of the disaster--you can choose to feel as low as you want. You are taking assertive affrimative action. Whether or not you continue to be assertive and affirmative for yourself is up to you.
When I say I know how you feel right now... I mean right now. Just had a similar talk with my AW. And felt much the same way. (500 sticks of uncooked angle hair pasta died in that one... but at least it wasn't a window)
But you know what... for me to say what she wants me to say, means for me to throw logic and my own instincts out the window, and say yes based completely on emotion and feeling sorry for her.
You know I feel sorry for her, and I feel great empathy for what she is going through. But making decissions to make her stop crying and screaming had me on the edge of suicide. That is something I can't blame on her, I did that to myself by not doing what I knew was right.
If you are like me, the only thing that feels worse that doing the right thing, no matter the consequences, is doing the wrong thing out of fear of the disease.
You are making decissions, and standing by them. That is important, for you!
Keep taking care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 23:26, 2006-11-08
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
my home was foreclosed on last month. it was a relief but also a death. when i feel like i am being harsh, or mean or unreasonable towards my ex ah (and i feel like that alot) i acknowledge it and let it go. most of the time he is manipulating me to try to make me feel guilty. that has become more transparent also. i am sorry that you have to go thru this too. and he is a big boy. he hasn't taken care of you so why take care of him? out of habit? out of pity? no one wants to be pitied. i get sucked into sainthood so quickly....i can save him, make him feel better, he has no one else. i have to work to keep a balance of taking care of myself and caring for others. good luck and much love....
why do u feel bad ? because we are rescuers it's what we do , we keep them from hitting bottom and save them one more time so they can go on and do more of the same. Watching someone u love suffer the concequences of thier actions is hard but necessary , we have to step aside and allow them to grow up.
My husb and I separated for several months along time ago , and when he returned to our home sober i went with him to clean out his apt . I could only stay there a few min and I had to leave . It was filthy , his bed was on the floor dirty sheets and beer bottles all over the place it just plain stank . but over in the corner was the sadest thing I have ever seen . there was small table with four chairs and it was set in dishes and silver ware , water glases and napkins , as I walked towards it he said I always intended to have you and the boys for supper. the dishes had about an inch of dust on them at that point I had to leave , so sad.
Occasionally if we go for supper and I see a table way over in the corner all set up it makes me cry. It is a picture i will never forget as long as I live. This is truly a disease and that is one of the many lessons for me.
Well, I have a buyer for our house and the A is nowhere to be reached and won't sign the papers. Possibly more frustrating to go into forclosure by choice because of idiocy!!
Here's what I heard you say...How do I convince myself kicking a baby bird out of the nest is actually good?
Actually I believe that you said that the BANK was foreclosing. That would be the bank kicking both of you out right? Just so happens that you have somewhere to go and he doesn't so really the question is why should you feel guilty that you have somewhere to go when the $#!T Hits the fan and he doesnt??? I'm sure it didn't become this way through no fault of his own and like you said he's a big boy and he has to learn to solve his own problems right? You also said...I remind myself too that this time I wasn't pulling it all back together no matter how bad it got and this is bad LOL
I can sure relate. Leaving my active alcoholic husband of 14 years was the hardest thing I ever did.
I left him in the apartment to fend for himself.
He had spent the previous 3 years unemployed and living off my pay and our savings. He was a miserable SOB from drinking all the time. I still loved him - more the memory of the man I loved and married and shared a life with before he got so sick and abusive.
Within 4 months of my leaving he stopped drinking 24/7 and got a job...
Go figure...
Sometimes we prop them up until they die in our arms
Keep doing the next right thing
In support
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
