The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A friend has been in rare form lately (past 5 months or so.) She is having a hard time, going through a messy divorce, but as we know, life is often messy and if we were to use every adversity in life as an excuse to get plowed, chances are we'd all be plowed more often than not. ;)
At any rate, a good friend and I decided to step in and express concern. It was just the two of us, in my living room, talking to her in a caring and non-confrontational way. I had scarcely gotten the words out, 'we're worried about you,' before she quickly assured us that everything is fine, she has it under control, she's better now, she and her bf have discussed it and she's not drinking for the time being.
Well, that lasted all of a couple weeks. She is back to her old tricks, finishing off 1-2 bottles of wine, her juice of choice, each evening. It is clearly not under control. Her poor live-in bf has been asking me for advice...he is unhappy in the relationship and wants out but is afraid to leave her because of what she will do to herself. His entire home life revolves around her drinking problem.
He let it slip to her that he and i have been in conversation about her drinking lately, and she got furious with him. She instructed him that these are private matters not to be discussed outside of their house.
I have referred him to this group, and relayed to him the uplifting messages of self-preservation that i have learned from reading all of your posts, that this is not his problem to deal with, that he needs to take care of himself, and that being her savior is not his responsibility. And...that by staying around and keeping her 'company', making her feel content, he may actually be enabling her to continue this behavior. He is about at the end of his rope and i am expecting that he will be leaving her soon.
As her friend, I am trying to prepare for the turmoil that she is about to go through. I am reasonably certain that after he leaves her drinking will get even worse. I am the best friend that she has, and have known her for 5 years. All of her family are out of state, and she has alienated most of her other friends in one way or another. So, even tho i know all of the things that i have been telling her bf about self-preservation, i still feel that i am in some way responsible for her. I would hate to find out that she had rolled her car into a ditch somewhere, or had liver failure while home alone drinking herself to sleep. What would the paramedics say..."this poor girl, doesn't she have anyone who cares about her?"
I know better than to think that i should babysit her every evening to make sure that she doesn't drink herself into a stupor. What I am wondering is this...am i crossing the line if i call her parents and tell them about her drinking problem? Is this too much of a breach of her personal privacy? Should i just mind my own business and let her figure things out for herself? I think i would feel better knowing that someone else who loves and cares about her, and who has some sort of familial (and financial) responsibility for her, knew about the problem. Who knows whether or not they would be able to get anywhere with her, but even though she is a grown adult, they are still her parents and she might listen to them. If not, at least they would be prepared in case she ever had some sort of medical emergency. These are all terrible thoughts to have, but distinct possibilities given the way she abuses her body.
Anyway, I appreciate your opinions. Thanks again for all the support.
Welcome to Al-Anon. When I was new here I was so relieved to hear “the 3 C’s”
I didn’t causeit
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it.
That got me off the hook – and it can get you off, too. We can’t make a difference in their behavior. Only they can. They need to make their own choices and experience the results. The paramedics are too busy to wonder why her friends didn’t do such and such.
Welcome to the Board. You are a caring friend, but from what I have learned here is to rescue the alcoholic is not the kindest thing for them. It is enabling them. Sometimes when they are in their darkest hour and have no one there to help is when they HAVE to get help. This is such a hard concept for you, though, because obviously you care about her. With my Alcoholic husband, I was so worried if I "detached" and left him with his problem, he would get worse. He did get worse, and got his third DUI a couple of weekends ago. He is now sober 10 days, but hopefully this is an awakening to trying to get sobriety now.
All I know is that when he relapsed this year and it was the most horrible thing I have ever been through, I thought, like you, that calling his brothers and letting them know he was out of control and it was a serious issue now was the thing I felt in my heart I should do. So I did, called his four brothers and told them what was going on. Some of them acted like no big deal, the others were concerned. I would want to know if someone I loved was struggling.
But, in the end, after they talked to him, etc., it did no good. He drank just as much. I'm not saying that a family/friend intervention in your friend's case would not work (I have heard good things) but the best thing probably is to learn to detach from her, it is the best thing for her and for you.
The book "Getting Them Sober" is a great book by Toby Rice Drew. It can help you understand the detachment method a bit better. It does take practice, also....they need to be alone with their disease and miserable enough to seek help.
Good luck and love, you seem like a great friend...
I also know that her parents already know. They might be in denial - or they may be stepping back and letting their daugther find her own way by not enabling her.
I do feel as if calling the family is a breach. Boy, would that piss me off!! That would probably end your friendship. She doesn't even want her bf talking about it, let alone calling her family. The bottom line is that whether you call, don't call, stand on your head, whatever...she is going to do exactly as she pleases. Alcoholic's denial is huge. As you said she assured you that all is fine, then drank. For your involvement of attempted savior you will be lied to and manipulated. It is the disease in action.
Perhaps the best thing you can do for now is to offer to attend Alanon with the bf. Then you will know what to do using the Alanon Program and tools. You'll be surprised how things change.
You said: So, even tho i know all of the things that i have been telling her bf about self-preservation, i still feel that i am in some way responsible for her. I would hate to find out that she had rolled her car into a ditch somewhere, or had liver failure while home alone drinking herself to sleep.
And you would prevent this how? Be there 24/7? Tell her she cannot drink? play alcohol cop? You will be sucked in to a frustrating web of playing martyr if you try to change what is. SHE is the only one that can make the decision. You cannot. You can no more stop her then she could force you to drink. Trying to "help" is often the worst thing anyone can do. Most alcoholics don't make a passive decision to stop. They must hit bottom and hit it hard. Life must become unbearable for them to want sobriety. As long as people are playing the part of savior and rescuer, you will get excuse after excuse...driving yourself nuts because it's not working.
This may sound harsh but that's the way it is. You will never hear an alcoholic say "I got sober because my friend, my lover, my wife, my husband etc. made me see the error of my ways". No one can make it happen.
You can however help yourself understand the disease and learn how to deal with it in ways that work for you.
take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks to all of you for your help & support. I guess I sometimes need to be reminded that although human instinct is to help others in need, there is only so much we can do to help, and at some point, at least with this disease, too much 'help' becomes a hindrance. I will have to learn to back off, and will do what i can to educate myself and try to help support her bf. I'll definitely keep tuning in here...it's very helpful reading everyone's posts and gaining insight through all of your experiences. Thanks again & have a great week!
