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I just wanted to post a little something that I'm laughing at myself about because I can't believe I'm actually doing it!! Last night my "A" came home drunk no doubt and he tried to tell me he had only drank 4 beers all the hours he was gone! YEA RIGHT! And that's exactly what I said to him! I said, " I don't know who you think you're trying to kid here, I know better than that because you had been drinking all day before you even left the house"! He got on the defensive and said, "well thanks alot, for not believing me"! I just said, "I'm not stupid, I know better", I live with you day in and day out"! He has a beer can in his hand when he's in the car going somewhere, and he has one in his hand getting home! And whatever else he has in between!! SHEEEESH!! I've just been lately getting a little bolder each time he tries to lie to me about something to let him know that I know better. His mommy might believe that crap because she's in denial anyway, but I ain't his mommy and I'm never gonna be!! Now, if I could only get up the courage enough to tell him a WHOLE LOT of other things! <LOL> But how do you be nice and tell someone they need to take a shower and take better care of themself if you want to have me sleep with you? DUH! I just don't understand how someone could NOT want to be clean!!! And now he's getting kind of aggrevated about it, and I don't want to hurt him, do you know what I mean? I've been real quiet about it and just waiting for him to figure it out on his own, my Gosh!...he's 45 years old! A couple of weeks ago I brought up the subject of him still drinking while I'm driving after I told him to stop it a year ago!! He told me that I needed to remind him!! I said "NO"! "You are a grown man and I shouldn't have to"! I'll lose my job if I got pulled over for something and he has an open container in the car! Doesn't he care at ALL about that? Everything goes in the newspaper here and if my boss found out he would fire me!! I have a C.D.L. (commercial driver's license), and I worked too hard to get that, just to lose it over his addiction! And you see, if I really get MAD about it and REFUSE to go any-where with him, it's going to cause a HUGE fight and I can't leave just yet because I'm planning on doing that in May, when I'll have the money to do it. It's just not possible right now. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's driving me nuts! And no...I can't go to a F2F meeting and have a sponsor, that's out of the question, because I am not THAT BOLD yet to tell him I want that! It's really alot of my fault for getting so WEAK and AFRAID to tell him all that is bothering me. And why bother anyway? He's always drunk and I REFUSE to talk to a drunk! Anywayzzzz...I have to get ready to go back to work, and the more I write the madder I'm getting at myself writing all this, when I thought I was doing so good starting out laughing at myself! I have alot of work to do with ME, much less try to help an "A" with an addiction! Love ya'll for being here when I'm doing good or bad!! Thank you!! Have a great day!! Hugs, Korinne
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
Sounds like you are having a difficult time right now - so possibly take a few minutes to breathe - Just breathe.
You say you can't attend a f2f meeting, can you attend on-line? Do you have any Al-Anon literature? If so, maybe read some info on boundaries, self-care and self-love.
You are a person deserving of self-care - You can have the right to have boundaries to protect yourself of damaging situations concerning your job, being around people who are drinking, and any other situation that you feel is unacceptable. For me, it wasn't about who's fault it was, it was about trying to "Change the Things I could" - Like your post said - Slowly but surely.
Hang in there - Progress not perfection - One Day at a time - Please try to be good to yourself - everyone deserves that - Everyone deserves to be treated with respect - so please respect yourself & pamper yourself a little today.
Just for Today,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
