The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i suppose i am choosing to be miserable. i am letting my ex ah knock down all of my boundries and that feels really awful. it just occured to me today that my father is never comming back (he died in may and i was there, it was cancer and not exactly sudden). but until today i think i really believed he was just on one of his trips and i'd be talking to him again soon. and i can't stand my mother. talk about going to an empty well.....and yelling at it for being empty! she can't have a normal conversation. if someone (not just me) says "oh the sky is such a pretty blue" she says "no, it's more lavender" as a response.
my issue is control and the silly notion i still have that i have some sort of control over anything at all. my ex ah who is in aa now and working his program keeps telling me how great i am, how right i am, etc. and i think what a crock! i don't believe him, or that he is sane enough to even know what he is saying. ya know that pink cloud a's find when they get sober....i am just miserable and i'm not in the mood to look at me so i am looking at everyone else and judging as if i have a right or a reason.
sorry y'all....this too shall pass.... just needed to get it out
Well we all fall off the horse occaisionally. Don't beat yourself up. At least you can acknowledge that you are choosing to be miserable. My mom is a well full of judgemental negativity. I find myself constantly justifying, arguing, defending and explaining my every move as an adult and as a parent. So I totally get the sky is lavender thing. Add that to the ex AH and you are bound to just get overwhelmed by it all. It is not an easy road we walk on. I stumble and fall on my face too. I call an al-anon friend, come here and read my C2C. I get back up on that horse and finish what I started. The road to recovery.
I admire your honesty - you sound healthy to me knowing what you are doing and taking responsibility for your feelings and emotions. We all have those days. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it!
Your absolutley right it will pass and u have a right to feel that way . Some days this is just too much for us to handle . thank God we have a program and people to talk too who understand and just accept us for who we are and where were at . (hugs ) Louise
I think when we are meditating through feelings like grief, we are already in a vulnerable situation, and we are prone to going to extremes with our boundries: we enforce them rigidly, or we let them fall like dead leaves off trees; we are militant, or we're passive. Because we're obviously preoccupied with other things, we can't really process through "normal" and I don't think we should be expected to. And death is such a personal process: it's normal to be in a shock/denial period for however long; the closer and more personal the death, the intensity of the relationship, all these things will factor into how deep the shock/denial is. You said that for you, you felt "He's just on a trip. Any day now, he'll call. He'll be back." That tells me alot about your relationship to your father pre death: it's not that you weren't close; it was that any time he wasn't physically availible, you comforted yourself by saying "He'll be back. He's just not here right now."
So I would 1) cut yourself some slack. When I'm in an intensely emotional situation, I can't be superwoman. Being in recovery is a hard job; thinking in recovery, living in recovery, these are full time jobs; and that's if I'm not dealing with big feelings. 2) I would go the extra mile for myself. When did you last get a hair cut? Manicure? Go for it. Take in a movie. Go read a book. Get a massage. Spend the money on yourself for yourself because you're worth it. Honest.
You will be ok.