The material presented
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Well today was the day from HELL. A called all night and I didn't answer and then started up again this morning. Answered the 2nd call and made up an excuse about the battery being dead... He seemed ok. Then later he called and I was busy and he said I am filing for divorce and I want joint custody and I'm not paying any more support. Mind you I let him slide on $100 this payday on the promise to pay it next. Plus I let him slide last month too. We also got an offer on the house today which he wrote off out of hand. AND then he called me drunk insisting that he had just been on an alcohol free river trip. I'm so fed up. I'm tired of having my chain jerked. I'm tired of depending on someone who is undependable. I'm tired of feeling heartbroken at what should be expected. I'm bitter that he can do whatever the hell he wants and I have to think about 3 kids all the time. I'm bitter that I can't move on with my life because of that. I'm so pissed off and angry and bitter right now and just plain FED UP! I want the divorce. I pray to HP please let him follow through!!! RELEASE ME!!!!
I am so sorry that your day sucked CarolinaGirl. I sure do know what you are feeling. I have been right there.
Take care of your needs, do something nice for you, splurge on you, even if it is down time. take a long hot bubble bath and figure out the things that you have control over, the things you can change, the things that you helped make worse (sorry), and the things that you made better. Go from there, remembering that you HAVE to take care of yourself. Hand it all over to HP, He will take it, I promise.
I too am sorry about your day. Though throwing in the towel and turning over to your HP isn't such a bad thing. We have to feel before we can heal. Pray and decide for yourself what you have control over and what you can do about this situation. Are you able to file for divorce rather than wait for him to do it and hold you in emotional limbo? Pray and the answers will come to you.
I feel what you are saying about how they can do whatever they like while we have to look after the children.
I just tell myself someone has to be the adult and all you can do is be the best parent you can be for them and hopefully they will grow to see that and not be influenced by the A and make their own choices about him.
Also, if yours is anything like mine you're pretty much on your own in terms of looking after the children when they are drunk anyway. So not much difference, only you don't have to put up with him at the same time!
Hi Carolina So sorry you're having to go through this. Again, sounds very familiar to me. All the lies and manipulation.
Do you think that you can actually count on your A to follow through and file for divorce? ...or is it just an idle threat?! With mine... it would have just been a test to see my reaction.
Keep posting and taking care of you... and your kids.
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Question - if you want to be divorced, and you're fed up and tired of being taken advantage of - why are you waiting for him to file?
My ex-husband was a dry A. He made threats and abused me when I lived with him, and then continued the threats after we were separated and divorced. What I learned: his threats meant nothing as long as I had legal documentation spelling out our separation agreement.
Do you have a court ordered separation agreement that spells out child support? If not, please know that this will provide you with legal leverage on child support. If you already have a separation agreement that spells out support, and he's not paying - or threatening not to pay, then you might want to consider enforcing the agreement. If your husband follows though on his threat to file for divorce/joint custody, and you have a separation agreement and proof that he hasn't paid, then that will help you in the long run:
Here in Ohio, if a parent doesn't pay support, then that parent has their wages garnished. If that parent doesn't have a job, then that parent is thrown in jail. It's really important here. It can also be set up that the parent pays child support through the courts - then there is a track record of missed support payments. This is not a threat, it's the law.
I had joint custody with my ex-husband. This meant that we were both responsible for making decisions about our daughter. We also left it up to the courts to decide support. How it worked out for us: since our daughter was living more days of the month with me - and because my ex-husband earned more than I did, he paid me support to help off-set the cost of our daughter living with me. (This is when my daughter was ages 5-10, and 15-18).
However, when my daughter went to live with her father and visited me (which she did from age 10 - 15), then I paid child support to my ex-husband. It was minimal (since I earned a lot less then he did).
I am so sorry for what you are going through!! I know the bitter feelings (all too well)! I hope that with time they pass.
I will echo what others have asked--why not file for divorce yourself? I ask this b/c where I am from the person filing tends to get more of what he/she wants in the end. (custody, child support, things) You might want to consider that. I know if you are like so many of us--we don't have money lying around to pay for lawyers, but it might be a good idea to look into.
I hope that you can do something for you today!!! Know we are all with you and wishing you peace and the best outcome possible.
One of the things you've been sharing alot on, and that noni touched on, is grief. The grief that the relationship is ending, that someone you love has become someone you don't know, that the children have lost their father, et cetera et cetera. Katherine Hepburn once said "Life is hard; after all, it kills you." While not the most energizing quote, it is prudent; what your husband is saying, sweetie, is that "if you don't tear down your boundries, knock of this al anon crap, and stop all this recovery bs, I'm done; we're done; I'm taking the kids and you're outta here." And Noni also hit on a really important point--it is so important to realize that within states, who's doing what within a marriage is going to affect the out come.
If you're ready to take more affrimative assertive actions for yourself, you might at least want to sit down with a lawyer and talk. Note I did not say file for divorce. I said talk. Tell him/her exactly what you told us--the whole story and nothing but the whole story, with all the gory garbage. The lawyer can lay out the exact rights, responsibilities and privliges; he/she may recommend a guardiam ad litem, a lawyer who acts on the child's best interest in the court proceedings.
No matter what you do, we will stand with you and behind you. I love you honey.
Carolinagirl, I am sorry you had such a rough day. I have been on this board and working a proram for a couple of years now and I have to tell you that I did not begin to feel serene until I truly surrendered. I had to realize that I could only rely on myself and my network of people in the program. I know how scary big change can be and I am still dealing with major resentments...and my husbnand has been working a program for six months. It will be quite some time that we will be dealing with the destruction of his using. All I can do is deal with my issues, support myself and allow him to work on his own things. I have to file for custody of my two oldest children and I don't want to, can't afford it, but know that is what will bring me peace. Keep up the good work. Coming here and venting and putting one foot in front of the other to continue to do the next right thing is best for you. I know how hard it is and I sympathize with you.
