The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been told that I have a very strong program but right now, I really don’t think I do. I can talk the talk but walking the walk seems to be a different story with me. I’m falling deeper and deeper into a depression. Everything seems to be crashing down around me. I can’t seem to get my feelings into check. My AH disease is progressing very quickly and as I watch this happen I get more and more confused. I know I can’t control it but I can see my life changing very quickly, and not for the better either.
He hides his drinking from the kids for the most part. Occasionally they see him drink but most of his drinking is done after they are in bed. If we were to split up they would never fully understand and it would be my fault AGAIN. I know how difficult it is to be a single parent these days and I’m not sure if I really want that. However, I feel that I have to do something to turn my life around. Maybe once I have this back surgery, things might look different and I might not feel so useless. But for now I feel like I’m in a hole without a ladder.
I have only been in the program for 9 months now. I relate to what you are feeling right now and you are right... saying and agreeing is much easier that doing.
But one thing that turned the corner for me was to go one step further than knowing I can't control it and moving to "I don't have to participate in it". That doesn't mean you have to move out, just means you don't have to spend your evenings starring at him getting worse.
I know how hard it is especially at first, but do something else. Gather up some activities for after the kids go to bed and do them. When you are tired, fire off a quick "good night" and go to bed when you are tired.
I stayed up long hours at night trying to have rational conversations with someone who had given in completely to the disease... and there was nothing rational about it.
Bottom line is you have an obligation only to take care of yourself. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. Someone reminded me in my meeting today... They have a HP too and it's not you (she was talking to me). So leave it to 'em, they will be ok.
I struggled so hard with that, and I am sure you do to. But if you want to have a rational conversation, and he is incapacitated... come here, or to chat. Focus on you and you will be able to settle down.
Post as often as you can, everyone here has helped me stay off that ledge. And boy did I need that!
Just remember we are here and we care.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 17:10, 2006-11-07
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You need some serious face to face support so if you go to f2f meetings, get out your call list and call someone, call your sponsor, call anyone just talk to someone, and keep calling until your program kicks back in. Remember as long as you are in Al-Anon you are never alone.
I had a melt down last week and gosh I thought I have my program in my tight little fists but when I slid back past step 1 I couldn't understand anything. The things people were saying to me were just words, they didn't mean anything. I kept calling and talking to people on my Al-Anon call list until the words made sense again. They all said the same thing but I just had to wait until the fog cleared so I could think clearly before the program kicked back in and then I started getting better again.
I have found that we will all fall back past step 1 but the longer we are in the program the faster we get back up out of the hole when we fall.
Take care of yourself and don't make any decisions as long as you are unsure about what to do. A very nice lady with a lot of years in program told me once that anytime you can't decide what to do, if you have to think about it then the answer is no.
((((HUGS))))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Trust your higher power my sweet. When everything looks hopeless and nothing is gonna change then you are praying for the wrong thing. HP sends solutions that we don't expect. If I expected my daughter to get sober, I was praying for the wrong thing. What I needed to pray for was serenity in whatever form. HP's time not my time. I may not like the solution, but whatever it is, it's always what I need. I never thought homelessness would be a solution to my problems, but it turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. I thought it was all up to me to take care of my kids, and do everything until HP sat me flat on my ass and said "you need help!!!" It wasn't easy, I didn't like it, but I learned to take my time and do the footwork.
What looks hopeless today, may not be hopeless tomorrow
Much love my dear,
SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
My dear friend Shadow, you have no idea how many times things you have said or done have shown me strength. You have been strong for many in the past, I have no right to ask this of you when you are feeling low....please this time be strong for you. It does get better. We all have down days. It's not uncommon to feel the entire world depends upon our actions, thoughts or feelings. Simple truth is, that just ain't so. Something that helps me is to...Just Do The Next Right Thing.
I really feel your pain and I hurt for you. It's awful when we have to adjust to a new degree of A'ism. Each level gets more difficult.
I'd like to offer you a couple of things to think about. What is the benefit of protecting your A from allowing your children to know that he is a progressing A? Why would you be willing to take on the brunt of kids anger when it should be directed at your A? By protecting them now, from knowing what they probably already know to some degree, you are setting yourself up. It isn't your fault -- so why allow them think that?
Sometimes I think we feel we are the glue that is holding it all together -- our glue just ain't strong enough. Things got much better for me when I started to be honest with my kids. I quit protecting my A and allowed my children make their own judgements -- I just knew that I couldn't handle them blaming me only I didn't want to devalue their dad's authority. They were young 5 & 7 at the time. It can be done honestly and lovingly and in a way that doesn't destroy the A in their eyes. For my kids being able to accept the reality that their father is an A was difficult but they began to open up by asking questions and expressing their feelings which has helped.
I know exactly what you are saying. I am going through the very same thing. I've been in the program for over a year now, but this past week I have found myself slipping down, down, down in to the depths of depression one more time.
My oldest son is seemingly continuing his spiral downward in his bipolar/schizo illness, alcohol and drugs; my oldest daughter is going from one man to another; my daughter who lost her husband this summer has totally shut me out of her life completely; my youngest son is in prison; and my grandaughter (daughter) who is a Senior in HS this year is in "love" with a 22 yr old out of prison for drugs and on parole.
It's also one year since my sister committed suicide; and my health is not good either.
I think holidays coming up are part of it.
The great thing about this program is that none of us ever "arrive" .... today I need someone to carryme through ..... then somedays I can help someone else when I am stronger.
Here's a rope honey. Hold on to the knot and we will all pull you out, dust you off, and give you a great big ole hug.
I don't have the answers. Regarding children, everything is easier said than done, especially when they don't always see the results, but I heard last week in the room something that has stuck to my core here lately.
When we lie to our kids (about anything - even lies of omission); we teach them NOT to trust their instincts.
Keep climbing hon, Love you, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You do have a very strong program, shadow. Nobody needs to tell you that. We all know it, because it is true. Becoming depressed isn't an indication of a slip in your program, any more than becoming angry is a slip in your spirituality. You have been taking steady doses of a depressant for pain; if you didn't feel some confusion, some downward emotion, that in itself would be a miracle. It surely does not help that your A's disease is progressing now, and seeming to accelerate. You are entitled to your feelings. You have a right to be angry, to be sad, to feel whatever you feel, and that is not indicative of a loss of identification with your self, with your program, with your faith. Whatever you are going through, remember, you are going THROUGH it. And whatever you are troubled about, that is NOT what you are troubled about. Our disallusionment, sorrow and helplessness come from the dilusion that we are not connected, directly connected, to the very spirit that makes the miracles in this program possible. We just have to remember who we really are, expressions of love, living as loving beings, in this world. And this world is such a better place with you in it.
We love you Shadow, everything will fall into place.
(((((shadow))))) First and foremost I can relate. This disease creates an emotional roller coaster. In alanon we learn to recognize what are triggers are , and learn to deal with them in an appropriate manner. You can do it, you have the resilience to bounce back, as you probably have done it many times before. What many of us have said" that we could never get through"and find out that we have survived yet another dilema!!!!! Hang in there.......this too shall pass!
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. There are many here who love and want to help support you and help you get out of that hole!! Take it easy on yourself!
One thing I will offer-- about separation--when I left my first husband (he wasn't an a, just not nice/good guy) my children were 2 and 5. My son would scream at me after weekends with his daddy "I hate this!". I knew he was hurting and he didn't understand. When they got older and asked me why daddy and I got divorced, I told parts of the truth--daddy was not a nice man to mommy, he did things he shouldn't have done. I also told him he wasn't a bad person and they weren't going to understand everything. I told them they didn't have to understand. I know it wasn't what they wanted, but it is what it was. I refused to go into details about how he hurt me b/c he was/is their father and I didn't think that was necessary. I told them the details were grownup stuff. My kids still probably don't like the idea that mom and dad are no longer together, but they know that it is what it is and we both love them. Don't think that they won't ever understand. It may take time, (maybe even a lot of time), but in the end if you decide you have no choice for yourself other than go--your kids love you and will love you. They may not like it, but will be able to handle it if you continue to show them love and support! Eventually they will figure out about dad--alcoholics can't hide it forever.
I wish you peace and comfort now. I hope you will find a little bit of joy today.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. With friends like you around I'm sure that things will start looking up soon. I just need to step back and have a good look at things. The fog will start to clear and I know I will soon be on my back up on my feet.
