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I guess this sounds strange. But what are your thoughts on doing something special for an Active A who participates in a family outing without drinking? For some, that may not sound to out of the ordinary, but for us it is not.
In a way I want to throw a big 'ol party, but I don't know what message that sends. So many of the things I "used to" do, have heaped on piles of guilt. Guess I am just trying ask for comments of any kind.
Any thoughts?
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Personally I don't think it deserves anything special. Everyone attending is expected to be on their best behavior and the same goes for the active A.
When my children were young and they behaved themselves in public they might have gotten an extra hug or two but nothing special just because they behaved themselves and did what they knew they should do.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
What I used to do (after making a big mistake by gushing) was just tell the A how much I enjoyed being with him "that day".
I didn't gush or go overboard. I didn't really think I should go overboard celebrating what should be "normal behavior". Besides, when you do gush, it feels like a kick in the gut when the very next day they are back at it. Funny, how one day of sobriety happens and we are dreaming, getting our hopes up. Inside we know it isn't going to last (most likely) but it's hard to squash the eternal yearning.
"Gee, I just told you how wonderful you are, how happy I am...I guess my feelings don't matter much."
So, I de-gushed on his sober days. For me. I got off that rollercoaster real fast. If they are doing it for approval it is for the wrong reasons anyway.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I guess I pretty much agree with Christy. On those days when my AW stays sober, I do tell her how much I enjoyed the day. I don't think that staying sober for a day or two deserves a reward - just a comment seems like enough to me. I doubt that any kind of reward is going to make the A any more likely to quit drinking. I just don't think it is appropriate to reward anyone for doing something that is usually considered to be normal for most people. Best wishes,
Just speaking as an alcoholic here for the moment but.... alcoholics tend to be rebellious rather than approval-seeking. Not always the case and for someone like me who walks the fence, it can be complex. But... if I take something I'm currently working on, say, my weight - if I'm eating salad today instead of pizza for lunch, the LAST thing I want is comments from the peanut gallery. I think after the third day of platitudes from family and/or co-workers while I chew on plants, I'd be ready for a large pepperoni/sausage with extra everything. But even if I *did* indulge in a pizza relapse, it would be my fault, not anyone else's. But because I am sensitive to it, I don't call attention to these things. My progress (or lack of it) are no one's business but my own.
Maybe not everybody thinks that way, but in my day to day struggle, I don't need helpful amatuers. TBQH, the only thing that counts is my quarterly blood test for cholesterol, glucose, etc... no amount of back-patting will change those results. Maybe encouragement is good for some people, but it's only superficial.
I guess this is a button for me, because I am very conscious of who owns my sobriety. It's mine, it's for me, it's a gift from my HP. Being sober enables me to be a better father, brother, son, employee, and general human being. But if I stayed sober only for my kids, my siblings, my parents, and my boss, I'd be doing it for the wrong reason.
Are we A's delicate and sensitive in early sobriety? Hell yeah. But... so what. The world can't stop for us and pander to us just because we're sober, no more than it could when we were drunk.
So, will you A go drink of you don't reward him? Will he go drink if you DO reward him? Who knows. It's not really your problem!
In my own experiences, getting too happy about a good day and wanting to "reward" the A did nothing more than somehow make her angry that I was monitoring her behavior enough to notice she didnt drink...and also built up my expectations that the next time would go just as "well".
Expectations......premediated resentment.
I like the simple, "I had a great time with you today" approach.
I agree w/ the majority here. I remember telling my sponsor how at times I couldn't thank my A enough for "being good." or doing what he said he would do. She plainly asked "Would you feel this way with anyone else?" No. "Then Thank you is enough."
Maybe it's our emense relief that it was normal, that makes us want to offer an undue kindness to the A. The thing is, what has taken place should alway be the "norm" only we're not use to it. I liked what Barisax has to say. Sometimes I think we forget to treat our A's as the adults they are, this program talks about allowing the A the dignity to face his consequenses -- We should also allow them the dignity to have a good day with out gushing or gifting them. I imagine that it can come across as condesending or being treated like a child.
What I did when my A "behaved" was simply tell him I had a nice day with him and then thanked him. He got the message, but was never made to feel I was monitoring him or that I was making too much of something.
Keep it simple rt , a big hug and thanks for a great day will do . She will know what u mean . thanking her in words for not drinking could cause world war 3 . hehe
The way I dealt with the same situation with my daughter (my A/drug user):
I expect her to act civil and not be drinking / using - ALL the time. Since she is an adult - I don't nag. I sent my boundaries to not be with or around her when she is drinking and using.
When my daughter is sober and we're out together doing something (either just us - or with a group), I talk with her the same way I'd talk with a friend or my husband: When I have a good time with them, I tell them, "Hey - that was fun. I had a good time today. I'd like to do that again."
That way the compliment is sincere and not overdone.
You've gotten a variety of e/s/h on this topic. And all of it's very good. Here's my two cents (like you needed them ). Heard in an AA meeting: guy in rehab was telling his grandma how good it feels to do the next right thing and be sober; "Aren't you proud of me Grandma?" he asks; Grandma says, "Why should I be proud of you for something you shoulda been doing all along? Not gettin high an' bein a man?"
The reason I posted this was because I am often confronted with... you just don't know how to appreciate me. Tiger, I am often asked " are you proud of me... I didn't do x " and I have programmed myself to answer that with how I think the day went. Of course she doesn't ask if the day went bad LOL, so I normally say, I think we had a great day, thanks.
Truth is, no I'm not proud of her for not drinking until the activity is over, then getting plowed.
I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a JA by not providing some possitive feedback for her effort. I can see now, that if she didn't have a problem, nobody else would expect that anyway.
I did tell her that day that I had a great time, and I loved her.
Thanks again, for helping me stay centered. I really need that as I try to crush my bad habbits.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sweetheart, I am speaking as someone who is a member of the other fellowship as well! Stop! Don't go out of your way to do anything as a "reward". We should not be rewarded for doing what we are supposed to do anyway. That's like rewarding me because I have never been to jail. You can leave a little card or note or quietly, without making a big deal out of it tell her what a nice time was had by all and you all look forward to more times like that as a family. You don't even have to mention the drinking, she will know what you are refering to without you mentioning it and making her resentful. When my husband entered NA and began working a program his mother and I continued to tell him how proud we were of him and he relapsed. His sponsor told me that as addicts when people tell us how proud they are or make a big deal out of us doing what we are supposed to do anyway, we rationalize it and use it as an excuse or justification to reward ourselves (usually with alcohol or drugs). I am so happy that it was a nice event for everyone though. You're great (((((Hugs)))))
I too wanted to and did reward my AH for the sober days....but then I was even more disappointed when he had a few slips lately. It's been a roller coaster ride. What I realized is that by little rewards I was trying to control. All those years he didn't drink I didn''t reward him. I always thanked him when we had good days and fun doing things. He is now sober and in therapy and is on his own path to recovery. I'm not on his path, I'm on my own.
What I do now is still thank him for the good days like I used to. Tell him I like the person he is and let it go.
His reward for being sober is being able to look the guy in the mirror and like him too. My reward is taking care of me and liking the woman I see in the mirro and remember to love her too.
(((rtexas)))) I have to agree with the majority, here, I guess.
In my own experience, however, I would be so very happy after my AH and I had a good (read that NON-DRINKING) DAY together. .
I would sometimes leave him a mushy note in the morning when I left for work, as I leave before he even gets up. I would not even mention that he had not drank, but I guess he is smart enough to read between the lines, and I found, to my dismay, that this usually backfired on me. It got to where, after a few times, it was almost guaranteed that he would act like a jerk that night, and drink way more than usual. So, I changed my behavior. If we have a good day together, I will tell him as we are getting ready for bed, or when I kiss him goodnight. Then, I let it go.
I guess the way it works, is we have to keep on putting the focus on ourselves. Time after time after time. Maybe someday, I will be able to have good days whether he is drinking or not. Sometimes I do, but not always. Progress.....not perfection at work here???
I know the few-and-far-between days when my AH doesn't drink, I want to do cartwheels, laugh, have a party, and just shout it from the rooftops! LOL
I agree with Bari, too, that when I am trying to lose weight, if he says anything about "oh, you did really good today" or ANYTHING along those lines, to even mention what I have or have not eaten, there is sure to be a fight. And I am sure to want to eat a big pizza or donut, or cookies, or something else fattening. I remember when I was married to my ex, I was going to the spa, working out, looking good. BUT, he thought it was his job to monitor what and when I ate. He watched every sprinkle of salt I put on my food. I was not under any dietary restrictions from a doctor. He was just a control freak, is one reason we are divorced, and one reason I did not love him.
Anyway, one night, I was headed out to go to the spa, and we got into an argument about something, and I thought to H@## with the spa. I'm gonna go to Burger King. And I got a Whopper with Cheese, and used about 2 packs of salt on it. Best Whopper I ever had. I didn't tell him until we were getting divorced, then I told him. Ha! He about freaked. I guess it is just human nature to not want someone else to take our inventory for us. I am trying to treat my AH the way I want to be treated. That is only fair.
You are doing a great job, rtexas. I also like the questions you bring up, to make us think.
On very rare occasion my A could stop for a period of a day or two. He was always trying to prove something to me. I just took it as it came. Made no big deal. When we would get some real sobriety then we would be talking party.....but that real sobriety never came for him
When I use to first be there I didn't know how to respond cause I didn't have a whole lot of good responses in my bag. I was very confused. On one hand I was still filled with resentment and that brought up one form or response. On the other hand I was so expectant her stopping or learning how to "properly drink" that I didn't want to upset her that way. I learned that being confused about what and not what to do was an indication of my compulsive addiction to my alcoholic. I was free to do anything I want for whatever reason and that this would work best if I checked out my motives first. Control? - Let Go? Be appreciative - patronize? I found out I could decide to just do nothing in reaction and leave her to her own choices and consequences and "act as if" "not drinking" was as normal as "fall down drinking." At times she did both I needed to expect both as normal. My alcoholic wife didn't drink because of me nor did she not drink because of me. I learned to keep me out of it and practice the me I wanted to be. Don't know if that helps. Try something you think you should do and/or something different thats suggested and be okay with you.
All I would say to my A, was that I appreciated very much when he didn't drink on my birthday or something like that. It's not that I didn't want him to know how pleased I was with him, but in the twisted mind, what if I forgot to "reward" him again? Would that be another excuse to go out and drink? I mean reality is we are not talking about children. They are adults and they make choices. They know right from wrong, and sometimes you have to let them be adults.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
). Heard in an AA meeting: guy in rehab was telling his grandma how good it feels to do the next right thing and be sober; "Aren't you proud of me Grandma?" he asks; Grandma says, "Why should I be proud of you for something you shoulda been doing all along? Not gettin high an' bein a man?"