when I read this last night, my first thought was, "I think you're being a little bit egotistic here."

 It is my experience that, indeed, when any family member chooses to enter recovery--and stays with it for an extensive period of time--inevitably, the family attitudes will change. In light of the fact that acholism the family disease depends heavily on each family member playing their specific dysfunctional role. Numerous books exists giving names to the various roles for spouses, siblings, parents and children, but all of them agree on some things: 1) someone needs to enable the alcholic (what Melody Beattie calls co-dependency); 2) someone needs to detract from the alcholic's behavior by being "worse(for example, getting into trouble with drugs themselves, getting a girl pregnant, et cetera)"; 3) someone needs to attract attention away from the alcholic by achieving (for example, a child getting into a prestigious college; a spouse being a CFO of a company while his wife is passed out cold); 4) someone needs to soothe the alcholic, the dysfunctional members (what we in al anon call "care taking"),  5) someone needs to simply "blend and/or deny (the "chameleons" of the family)"; and 6) someone to "lighten up" the situation (a mini comidian, if you will).

 When any person  in any of these roles begins to challenge their roles, the balence will inevitably shift: boundries will be formed; arguments will arise; because what was accepted is no longer accepted, tensions are arising, and feelings are being created. An example from my life:    

 When I started persuing recovery, quite vigorously, I learned that  my role in my dysfunctional family had been 1) to be better than my father: I was expected at any given time to have a 3.0 GPA, carry a full time course load, and be in a full time athletic sport. 2. to attract attenion away from my father: it was very common for me to go out on all night joy rides with friends; use/abuse drugs; sleep with guys; fistfight at school.  3. to lighten up the situation: I learned by watching comedians on tv, by reading fiction, and by taking acting classes how to be a quick wit,  and to make my parents laugh (or any one around them). When I didn't succeed, it was tense.  When I began applying the principles of recovery in my life, I began to "shrug off" the roles of dysfunction: I didn't feel a need to entertain you, nor to not a be a participant; I didn't feel a need to cause a disturbance, nor to not voice my opinion if I felt I should. By making mistakes and being honest, I felt safe enough to be myself.  The reaction from others was 1) an attempt to force me into my dysfunctional role--my decision to leave the dysfunctional living was not welcomed by my father, my mother, or their siblings: I was informed that I was disloyal, that I was a slut, and that I was the major cause of problems within our family; 2) I was forced to reckon with feelings of guilt, shame, grief, fear, and anxiety: even though my family had consistently abandoned me, neglected me, and treated me like dirt, I could still say I belonged; now that I was changing, the reality was that I was breaking the ties for my well being. I needed to choose if I was really willing to go to any length to persue this line of living.

 To this day, my mother is upset with the new way of living I have persued. My father is also very angry with me.  Some of the rumors that have been spread about me to other family members have found their way back to me, and tragically, I can't be certain about my relationship to those family members. I know, for me, my life got better by persuing recovery, even if no one else's did.

I apologize Gailey. This is a great reading and I understand your wish to share this valuable information with others although it needed to be edited due to copyrighting our CAL (Conference Approved Literature)
tea2 / Tracey