"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

drucilla06 · Senior Member

I am sooo angry...can't stop crying

Noni · Senior Member

(((((HUGS)))))

It is wonderful that you are standing up for yourself and have realized that you deserve better.

Change is hard, even when change is something that we look forward to...so it's normal to feel sad, mad, hurt, and any other feeling that happens to come along. Take life one day at a time. It may not feel like things will get better, but they will. You may not feel OK now, but you will feel OK in the future.

We're here and we care.

Noni

twinkie · Senior Member

Hi Dru - I'm sorry you are going through this and I can only imagine how you must feel. Thank you for sharing your honesty and your feelings with us. It sounds like you are doing the right thing and finally your feelings are coming out and you are setting some boundaries for yourself. You are right, you do deserve good things in your life. When I start thinking too far out into the future, what may happen, how I may feel or how I will cope, I try to bring myself back to the One Day at a Time approach and get back to present and just live today. Pray, mediate and feel to heal. Easy does it....

Hug to you - keep us posted.

ZiggyDoodles · Senior Member

I know what you are going through hurts very bad and not easy by any stretch. I am so sorry.

Ziggy

-- Edited by ZiggyDoodles at 00:14, 2006-11-07

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I dunno if it is "progress" or not, but it certainly sounds like part of the recovery process... Being mad at him is kinda common and natural, and your progress will truly show, when you turn that into doing things, for YOU, that make you feel better.... Sounds to me like you are well on your way.... Sorry for the pain, but sometimes we have to go through that to get to the positives in store for us...

Take care

Tom

jaja · Senior Member

Dru, I feel for you and what you're going through right now! A lot of us could've been writing been your post. I know I've recently been through some of what you are and I know it feels like having a boulder hit your stomach. It won't be that way forever, if that's any help right now. And for me, it was coming here to read and post and get responses and understanding, going to Al-Anon meetings where I could hear members and be shown warmth and understanding. Another thing that helped was an Al-Anon book called "Courage to Change" and a recent posting by Phill about anger. It is a slow process but, in addition to the emotional hell, you have a lot to deal with as far as all the decisions about your home go and it is TOUGH to say the least. It sounds like you are doing what you feel is best for you. Take it slow and you will find your way.......jaja

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry dru! I know it hurts and is hard now but I know in my life when there have been times that things have hurt me so bad that I didn't think I could stand it something would come along and brighten my life. You have to open the door to new possibilities and good things will come to you. The decision is hard and living with it is hard but you're right! You deserve better. You don't need to play second fiddle to some imaginary girlfriend! Personally I'd unplug the computer and throw it out the window, but I guess it's not the computer's fault. LOL.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Dru))))))))))))))))),

There really aren't many words I can share that will help alleviate your pain. I am so sorry this is happening to you. What I have found is that it's more devastating to those left behind that keep holding on while a third party is involved. It erodes one from the inside out.

I am glad you are at angry. Seems you've got through denial of the situation. Next will be bargaining in the process of grief. Keep us close by and post all you need. IMHO, there is no bargain when a man wants two women in his life. "Why buy the cow, when you can have the milk free?" is often a saying heard around my part of the country.

How to Survive the Loss of a Love
by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove
is the most amazing book I have found on grief. It is very easy to read (something we need while grieving ~ not some deep book) and each page has the most wonderful poems on the stages of grief. This book evoked so many emotions when I read it. I cried my eyes out. I laughed until I hurt.

Keep coming Dru,
yours in recovery,
Maria

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Drucilla))))

I want to thank you for your post. It's amazing that we get what we need when we need it. I needed your post.

It's amazing how we can allow ourselves to accept such insanity. I often in my own relationship have to look at it as He's saying one thing and behaving in another way. He appears to be concerned, he did this or that, seems happy to see me -- maybe this will work, maybe he's changing his mind etc. Only there is this whole other side that says "I don't love you" (I'm going to act like it at times, but I don't), "I'm going to do what I want to do" (Only I'm going to give you a few little nuggets to keep you hanging on so that it will be easier for me.), "I've got to move on." (but I'm going to act as if I'm having second thoughts.)

It is insane. We've got to do what is best for ourselves. Be angry, be mad -- It's okay. Sometimes we have to have that to say "enoughs, enough." There is nothing like fighting what we don't want to happen. It's like crawling in to a paper bag and punching away, the more we fight, the more exhausted we get and we can't get out. Lean on your HP, remember that this is what it is "for this moment in time" Everything changes. You hate it now, tomorrow you may see a wonderful blessing in the hurdles you've had to overcome.

Keep moving forward a little at a time, everytime you want to rage how you hate what is going on -- do it. I use to walk down my hall and open my linen closet door and stand there and just rage away. I'd yell "This is crap, I hate this..." then I'd close the door take a deep breath and keep moving forward. I use to say I know God doesn't really live in my linen closet -- I'm not sure that I was really talking to God then, but letting out steam and stuffing it in my closet LOL.

I'll be praying for you. ODAT

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Dru))))

I am going through alot of the same things right now, I have the same anger and pain. Living here while seperating is a conflicting situation, I am treated like a campanion, then like a wife, then like a piece of furniture. It's so hard to keep a good view on reality, not falling into a moment of delusions of what could be. That part already was and when I am feeling healthy I can remember it was not that great.

I'm not sure what to say to myself most of the time, and not sure what I can say that may help. Just know you are not alone, this is a hard spot and life will get better. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Jennifer

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((dru))))),

You and I are in the same situation. It is very hard to make sense of it. Know that you are loved and supported here. Keep looking for those things that you have choices about - your reaction, your favorite chair, maybe things that aren't really obvious. Keep working on your boundaries so that everything that he says and does doesn't go right to your core. He sounds like my AHsober who says one thing and does another. And don't do his emotions for him. Send them back. What I read this morn in Courage to Change was that there are two doors - same old, same old or your will or door #2, something different which is your HP's will. I am hoping to start choosing my HP's will and stay in recovery.

In support,

Nancy

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Dru))))

This is so hard. But you will be ok. I went through this 3 years ago. I lost my home and my hope for a family, my savings and my sense of self. But ya know what? I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I am now used to my smaller broken down house. It is mine and I can make him stay outside. I can see him for what he really is instead of what I had hoped he would be. I am healthier and happier without the constant chaos he brought to my life. Our daughter is ok too. Actually she is better than either of us. But I am still mad after 3 years! I know I have to get past it because it is only hurting me and my daughter. He could care less. He has nothing nice to say about me ever. He humiliates me every chance he gets in public situations at her school or her extra curricular activites. Because it is all my fault. My fault he drinks, my fault he is unhappy, my fault we got divorced etc. When he loses his job he comes all sad to the door expecting me to fix it and ya know what? I ain't that person in his life anymore and that feels really good!

This too shall pass.......You will come out of this a stronger and better person.

Yours in recovery,

Julia

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dru have you considered a house mate?

If you can find the right person it can be pretty cool. Maybe you can find a duplex or something instead of an apt?

Check on craigslist in your area. It has helped me a lot.

I know how you feel. Being abandoned is awful. I will tell you right now, I have NO doubt he will be wanting you back. It won't surprise me one bit.

I wish you were not so sad. I respect your taking your own room and avoiding him. He cannot expect you to cont. being his wife/friend and have other women.

Wish I was there to move your tv for you. I would not ask for anything from him.

Sending you a big hug and stregth. Keep coming back sweetie. love,debilyn

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dru,

I'm sorry you are going through such a painful situation at this time. I know that for me a great portion of my recovery process was about greiving my loses. God knows there were alot of them. For many of us, the lose and the grieving takes place long before the physical lose takes place. However, all my mourning before the death of a relationship, before the lose of a home, etc... didn't prepare me for the moment it became a reality and the person(s), place or situation was extracted from my life physically.

I must also say that I didn't endure a lose that I didn't need to endure. Thats not to say I ever wanted to experience any of the loses I experienced as a direct byproduct of this damn disease. When I say "endured", that is lightly stating the emotional, mental trauma I experienced as the loses unfolded because of the diease of alcoholism.

I remember one time that I was soo sad, so hurt, feeling so alone, when I felt like I was dying on the inside. I couldn't stand still but I didn't want to go anywhere, or interact with anyone. All my dreams, hopes, wants and desires were attached to someone else who now was gone, and now all those dreams, hopes, wants and desires were also gone.

I didn't understand it at the time my sponsor acted like the beautiful sponsor he was, but today I do understand it well.

He told me in the mist of my pain, fear, anger, lonliness to place my arms above my head, and clap my hands. I was resistant, there was nothing to clap about, nothing to celebrate, no joyous occassions. Willing to at least look like I was trying to be compliant, I did as he said... "Gawh, John thats the weakest, most pitiful clap I have ever seen! Put those hands together, and really clap the darn things!" I made a little bit more demonstration of my willingness to follow his G.O.D. (Good Orderly Direction) and clapped a bit harder, a bit faster. "Now, he continued, "scream... "I'm FREE!" Now, this was the hard part of his task for me. Free? I didn't want to be free, free scared me, free equalled lonliness, free ..?? It sucked! He kept pushing me forward, "c'on, put those hands up above your head, ... c'on, get them really up there, reach high.. now clap, I didn't say pat your hands... I said CLAP them! Now, say it... loud.."I'm FREE"! I mumbled a "I'm free" and he said, "gosh John, if your current enthusism was the barometer or measuring stick of what is coming your way on the road of recovery, you would have just cheated yourself out of whole lot of what is waiting for you! Say it loud, claim it, own it, celebrate it fully with all your voice... go ahead, let it come out of you with passion, excitment, thrill, "I'm FREE!" His arms stretched above his own head, his hands clapping wildly, he screamed.."I'm FREE, I'm REALLY TRULY, and FINALLY FREE!" I smiled for the first time all day, he looked like such a idiot... but the laughter lightened me up some, so I raised my armes over my head, clapped hard, fast, and screamed..."I'm FREEEE, and I F'ing HATE IT!"

He smiled and said, you don't hate it, you are afraid of it, you are hurt by the method your freedom was exposed to you. Every day, raise those arms, clap and own/claim your freedom, or it will never be yours. With or without her.

He was right. Today I can raise my hands over my head, clap them with passion, and scream from the bottom of my heart..."I'm REALLY TRULY, and FINALLY FREE!"

Free to recieve the gift of discovery and recovery. Free to love and be loved. Free to care and share. Free to ....

Ask you to raise your hands above your head, clap them the very best you can muster at this moment in time, and scream..."I'm FREE"!!"

Yours In the Spirit of Healing and Recovery,

John

athena12 · Veteran Member

(((((drucilla))))))

Others who have posted here have a lot of good es and h for you. You sound very strong to me. It is terrible to feel this kind of pain and anger and I am sorry for what you are going through.

take care, ((((lots of hugs))))

Athena

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Drucilla))) I am suggesting you print what you wrote. When lonliness comes to you, you may question your actions. Re-reading what you told us will remind you how you feel in response to his decision. If your path changes at YOUR decision, it will change with full knowledge of how you felt with his decision to sell the house. Jill

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"