The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When you are doing things, for yourself, to satisfy your needs .... do they? Are you satisfied when you are done? Do you get that sigh of relief and feel grateful for it?
Over the last few months, I have done things "for me", but what that meant was in spite of my AW and my suspisions of her trying to control me. I did them, but I am not sure I got much satisfaction from it. I am not sure that I realized that until Saturday. She dropped off our 11 yr old son at the church for a youth outing and I didn't hear from her at all. (that is probably a first since the last time we were seperated 5 years ago.)
I woke up Saturday, and son and I went to my parents to help with a yard sale. It wasn't a big thing, just some of my departed Uncles household stuff that nobody needed.
But.... I didn't even think about it, I did't ask anyone if they cared if I went, I didn't have to negotiate when I would be done, I didn't feel a bit of guilt for not asking anyone else to come with me. Bottom line is ... I had a relaxing time doing something insignificant because it was not a struggle to do so.
It boggles my mind how different that was compared to my day to day life over the past 5 or 6 years. Now, mind you I am not saying that my wife is an old hag and made it impossible for me to do that before. I taught her to treat me this way, and that is part of my disease.
Just thought I would mention it. It was quite eye opening for me.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I do a lot of things for myself, and even did when the A was active. Once the kids were not so small, and it was not an imposition on *him* for me to go out, he actually encouraged me to get out and have fun. It hink it helped him not feel so guilty aobut his behaviour - and, it did save my sanity at times.
Our situation was different though - he was often gone for weeks at a time, working up north. I think this was what saved our marriage, and kept the disease from hurting us any more than it did. Those of you whose A never goes anywhere, just sits in a chair and drinks - honestly, I don't know how you stand it.
When I first threw my daughter out of the house for being high/drunk and abusive to me - I was devastated. I knew I had done the right thing - but I felt terrible.
I was then frozen - staying in the house waiting to hear if she was hurt or killed in a car accident or from some junkie.
After a couple of months I began to go out and do things. While I was out I had fun. I wasn't worrying about my daughter running up long distance phone bills, breaking things in the house, etc. For the first time in a long time - I just enjoyed the moment: where I was, who I was with, etc.
Motives are the key. If your motives are right then you can have real satisfaction doing something for yourself. Too often we do things saying it's for ourselves, but what we are really saying is "I'm going to do this for me, inspite of my A, Ha!" -- motives. Can we really enjoy ourselves if we still have our mind on the A? If we are really doing something for ourselves and continue to obsess about them the whole time, we haven't learned to live in the moment and we miss out on that true pleasure/joy that we can actually get from doing just about anything.
Living in the moment, like your working the garage sale, those can be real "ah ha!" moments. What you did was what you wanted to do, no stress, no over thinking, just something enjoyable. You did it because you wanted to and there is where we receive satisfaction.
I think, for me, one of the things I wrestle with alot is can I afford it. I have such a hard time just trusting myself to let go and do it. Just do it. Maybe being in college is a part of it. But I know for me, when it comes to doing something for me, it's taken time, for one, it's also taken some courage. My parents are still very active in their disease and dysfunctions, their need to control and their fear. And I 've always felt that there's some level of despiration to their insanity, just like there was for me.
I do know that at my core, one thing I do for me no questions asked is be with my sponsor. I don't even ask any more. I just work hard core on my program. I suppose when I'm old, dead ass broke and dead they'll say "Oh but she had such a good program.
Good for you!!! I love yard sales, wish I could have come. lol. I really enjoy doing things for myself. One thing I do enjoy with my girlfriends is horseback riding. I have 3 horses. One of my friends has 2 horses. I have gone to her house & rode hers. That was a blast. Her family has land, 160 acres of trails to ride, plus a beautiful apple orchard she has permission to ride in.
When I just had my one horse, my mare, Mitzie, I used to tack her up, get one & ride her on our property. Now with the 3, it is hard to get one out alone. They are such "herd animals." lol.
But, the lady down the street just got a horse, she is learning with him. Hopefully by next spring, she will be comfortable enough on him for us to ride together. Best part is, she lives only about 1/4 mile away!!!!!!
Now that is a VERY present moment exercise, you better be focused on your body language, the horses body language & your surroundings, or you can be in trouble!!!!!
I enjoy the daily grind of mucking the stalls, brushing them out, picking their hooves, just being with them. We also have 4 cats & 3 dogs, so I never have a boring day. lol. Plus I work full time!
I go to f2f meetings for me!!! I have gone shopping, to plays, lunches, horse shows with my girlfriends. I enjoy the freedom to get out & have fun.
My hubby & I also do things together. Yesterday I saddled up the 2 horses & we took a short ride just next door & down the road a bit. It was fun!!!!!!
I joined a new gym early Oct. Do the weight machines 4x/wk, walk treadmill 30mins/day and attend Yoga on Mondays, Pilates on Wed, Ab class on Tues & Fri and Versasize (instructors choice) on Thurs. Yes Id say I do take time for me
