The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep thinking about my perspective ever since I was young I was always afraid I was going to miss something. I carry that now when living off sheer hope that the A will get better. I see now it's the same thing. I want my brain to realize that the only thing I'm missing is more of the same and probably on a worse level as it increases with time. Why can't I get past casually thinking it and really FEELING IT Believing it to my core? I mean really, how many times does the brick need to hit me in the head?
You are only human-you only want for your loved one the same thing we want for ours - a better life - recovery. We all want that. There is nothing wrong with wanting sobriety and recovery for your loved one, the heartbreak is the realization that not all of our A's are ready for sobriety or recovery.
Please treat yourself with tender loving care, please be good to you - You deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Your post brings up something that many of us forget. We bring a lot into the relationship w/ our A's that has nothing to do with them. We carry habits, patterns etc. that were there long before the A was. It is good you see this. Alanon is a program about living, it applies to every aspect of our lives, when we "live it" (the program).
Be kind to yourself. The first thing I wanted to say is that you didn't arrive at this point in your life in one day. It took time for you to develope these pattern (for lack of a better word) and it takes time to undo that unhealthy living.
Another thing is that you should give yourself credit for your new awareness. You can't change unless you become aware of something that needs changing. This is one of the very first steps in getting healthy. Go girl !!
Also, you may discover that much of the reason we do what we do is because at one time it was a good way to protect/defend ourselves Now that we are learning what it is to live in a healthy way, we discover those old ways are no longer needed and actually hold us back.
Give yourself time, and credit. It's a process -- ODAT.
Well, I hate to admit this publicly, but for me, the answer to your "brick" question was about 1041.....
One of my aha moments, sitting in the counsellor's office, my marriage hanging on by a thread, my kids in fulltime daycare (their A mother was incapable of caring for them at the time), my wits just about at their breaking point..... Still, I was desperately trying to salvage my marriage, my life, etc......
The counselor literally yelled at me, and said words that continue to resonate in my brain, some five plus years later.... "Tom, you are trying to save your white-picket fence marriage, but guess what? Yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!"
That day, plus my ongoing support from my sponsor to focus on what is, as opposed to what I want things to be, helped me finally get on with my recovery. In the immortal words of Joe Friday (of Dragnet fame) - "just the facts ma'am"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think, for me, I realized my life was not "white picket fence" as tom said when I realized that all the girls in my class were invited to a sleep over except me. Now, the girl had done the polite thing, and called, privately invited the people she wanted there. And finally, after it was all said and done, I asked her why she didn't like me. Why she didn't want me to be her friend and come over to her birthday. "It's not you," she said, "It's your mom. The lady's wacko."
Oh. Well duh.
There was an episode of JUDGING AMY that still haunts me. The little girl had a party, invited all her friends. None showed up. She was undergoing cancer treatments, and the kids just couldn't relate.
