The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wish I could say I am better. Do my best to look for the good and take care of me. The world is hard as we all know.
Been so tired. I still move around, still work around here. Have been on a clean and throw away thing. Got the pump house emptied, the shed is emptied, the barn is completely cleaned up of any junk.
Got my old washer and dryer out and new in. My last tenant just left hers. Brand new washer...hp is good.
Had to put one of the old dogs down. I know I expect to lose so many in the next five years, but I think I am too old for this. Still have to do it.
I am in the house more, raining, dark at five pm. Was too dang quiet. Told this gal i met when I adopted some of her chickens, that I had a parrot for over twenty five years and it died two years ago from cancer. Felt like I was ready for another.
without my knowledge, she put an add on craiglist...Welcome Reba the yellow naped amazon. She talks up a storm, is so funny. I love it. her previous owner just had a baby and she was mimicing the crying and stuff.
She drove over 3 hours to bring her and a beautiful cage for me.
Did not cost anything. Hp knew I needed a voice in here. If I go outside she yells and jabbers at me to come in. I say NOOOO she says, what? what? comere comere. lol
reba reba tickle tickle. I will be sweeping or doing dishes talking way to this silly bird and she talks back. Okey dokey, oh alright ya ya oh ok ok lol
sings home home on the range. Larrrrryyyyyy I looooove you.
Anyway I laugh and realized I have not laughed much. My head is so heavy. Just have not bounced back since the last fiasco with the A. Have not heard a word. I guess he is alive.
I guess i forgot how good it felt to be loved and to hear and read such nice words from my husband. I mean it was sooo good. To be part of someone. I am doing my best. I mean once you are abandoned when does it ever stop?
upped the anti depressants some. Makes things not so cutting, so raw.
Good is happening too. rental looks so great. My son took over and painted it outside too. I got the outside all nice. The tenants have the inside so beautiful. Plus they have a Basset Hound so they are perfect.
So now becuz i have not had rent and had to borrow to fix it, my house payments are now four hundred more a month for twelve months. so i am tired tired tired of fighting to not be homeless.
Can't sell becuz I could not live on my disability. At least here I can board animals, rent my room, board a horse or two uno? More options here.
Man alcoholism can rip ya apart. My A has nothing of his own. Everything down to his toothbrush is here. I wonder if i want to throw it all away. then my friends words come to me. "deb ya better save it for when he may come home very sick and need his things around him."
Her A husband died from aism. He was such a sweet gentle hippie man too.
I guess I am venting. I never talk to anyone about much of anything. It is so weird to never carry a conversation. I just cannot talk.
A gal came to see if she could rent here. I really liked her. she ended up being a friend of a friend of mine. She raises Irish Wolfhounds. Her and I are so much alike it is uncanny. Was so refreshing to meet another animal lover nutcase.
I know in my heart an Irish Wolfhound puppy is in my future. not for awhile though.
It is hard to explain the way I feel inside. Last night I woke and thought, I am going to go to A's room and crawl in bed with him. Then realized I have no idea where he is.
I dreamed my mother had a seizure and died in my arms again. See just not doing so hot. I forgot what joy feels like. I want to know.
We live in Disneyland here in the US. I am thankful, grateful and appreciative. I know what I have, am fortunate. That does not mean I don't suffer from a dang broken heart.
Maybe this is it. He broke me and I am like Humpty Dumpty this time. He pushed me over my wall and that is that.
I want to tell my son how awful I feel all the time. But it would just hurt him. i won't tell my daughter, she has a baby to take care of.
I don't want to die at all. I want to live. Just cannot figure out how. I know a lot is touch deprivation. Been here before.
Well this mrs dumpty is going to bed. The wind is kicking up big time here in Oregon. There was an earthquake where my daughter is....
OH and to top it all off, my son is having a biopsy becuz his doc thinks he has a spot of skin cancer. he has the biopsy the day after thanksgiving.
If I disappear you will know why. I pray I don't lose my son.
((((Deb)))) how I wish I could give you a big hug in person. You sound just so tired. Alcoholism can sure wear a body down, no matter how hard we try to keep taking care of ourselves. It is just plain exhausting.
I cried when I read about how you woke and were going to go get in bed with your husband. And about your Mom. So much hurt and pain everywhere, that's why we gotta take care of each other. And lean on HP.
Say Hello to Reba for me! She sounds wonderful! HP did, indeed, know you needed another voice around there. I'll be she is beautiful, and I know she will be well loved.
I don't know how you do everything you do. All I have is a little 700 sq. ft. house with my AH, and a garage and about 1/3 of an acre. And 3 cats. It takes everything we have just to keep up with things around here. The house was built in 1920, so needed a lot of work, and still needs a lot. Never enought time, $$$, or energy. We just do what we can, and I try not to worry about the rest.
Will be praying for your son. My daughter just had a suspicious mole removed from her arm. I was scared to death. But things came back OK.
Well I certainly know about the broken heart and feeling broken and lost. I also know another side these days of really being fierce about taking care of me regardless of the stuff the A pulls. I feel the A I live with will die from his disease. He has no bottom. I do not want to be around to see it.
I have to work so so so hard to let go of resentments.
I am glad you got to think about Irish wolfhounds they seem to be wonderful dogs. A friend of mine has a great dane. She is a beauty and walking with her is such an exercise as she sweeps the path.
I am glad you got a new companion. I know how it is to rattle with loneliness. I think actually it is far far worse with them when they are lost to the disease than without them. There is nothing there with the A but his disease. Every word is a lie or an attempt at manipulation there is nothing else at all.
I am glad your new tenants are working out. I am also glad your son is taking care of himself. Skin cancer is generally very treatable in the early stages. Of course none of us know what we are in for tomorrow.
I miss the man that the A I live with was. He is gone. There is only a disease left.
I think it is very hard to be surrounded by their things. I work pretty hard on not getting attached these days. I know it is hard to let go. I also know that there is another life out there somewhere and I want it. I do not want to be surroundeed by disease anymore.
Many hugs my lovely wooly friend!!!!!!!!!!! Keep on truckin' honey. Go back and read your post. It is so filled with love and blessings. I can so relate to the bone-tired, I wanna give up feeling. You are a part of us and we love you. Your children are blessed to have you. Animals are human's best friends anyway. They give unconditional love. Something people just aren't as good at that.
My dad had a lot of skin cancers removed throughout his life. It will be ok hon. Who ever knew back when that being in the sun would do that to us??????????
Anyway I wanted to give you a cyber hug. Enjoy Reba!!!!!!!!! I can't wait until your post that she's squawking so much you want her to shaddup (lolololol)
Love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hi Debilyn. ((((((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))))))))
It truly hurts my heart to see you hurting so badly. You are on the roller coaster that comes free when we choose to love an A. THose downs are so very down. I am not going to suggest you look at the positive; I am not going to say, "Don't worry things will get better," even though they will. I am going to let you feel your pain and move past it, as I know too well you will. The creatures need their "Mom," and you'll be there for them. Caring for the farm will allow you to get through the one-minute-at-a-time phase and on to joy once again. Just know that we who love you have you close in our prayers and positive thoughts. You concentrate on YOU and your recovery. The sun always shines again for those of us who expect it.
With love and caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am so sorry to hear so much pain in your post. Too many losses, I know. Having gone through this at one time in my life I want to send this on to you. A dear friend gave it to me when life was at it's darkest. I do not know who wrote it.
Please if you can remember how well loved you are here.
Lilms
Friend Today I hear you crying and my heart bleeds in pain. I want to run to you and wrap my arms around you. I want to tell you that all will be okay. I want to tell you that I feel your sorrow. I want to tell you that the darkness you see today will go away. I want to take your hand and guide you up the steps that lead out of the pit of sadness and despair into the sunshine. I want to shroud you from the world and wipe away your tears. I know that no one can heal before it is time. I know that no one will hear before they are ready. No one can reach you from behind the wall while you close your doors to the world and so today I cannot sit with you and tell you all that is in my heart for you. I want to shout out to you all that I know, in the hopes that it may help you, yet if I try I may overwhelm you and lose you.
I understand. I know you need to sit in peaceful contemplation and in your own time pull yourself out. I want to be there for you in some way and so I give you what I write. My thoughts - the insights I gained from the pain. There is more - so much more. I have been where you are today and I have felt alone.
A world filled with people can leave us feeling very lonely when our little piece of the world seems so out of place.
But you are not alone.
My beautiful friend you are amongst so many talented and brilliant people who are in their own pit at this very moment, who cannot see the unique gifts they bring to our world just as right now you do not know how incredible you are. It seems that intelligence and creativity at times comes with a periodic sense of endless darkness. Many great men and great women have been where you are today - including Abraham Lincoln who accomplished such remarkable deeds.
Please keep telling yourself that this place where you are today is not forever. The place you are today is just a rest stop - you will see sunshine and laughter again. Please be gentle with yourself and you will find this rest stop much shorter than if you start calling yourself names.
Many of my thoughts - I know you know -but maybe today you have forgotten. I hope some of my words are new enough to change the way you think today so that tomorrow you will feel the haze lift up from your eyes and you will feel the warmth of the sunshine on your face. From inside you is the strength to end your pain, though today you will not believe me.
Today just be a comfort to yourself and try to turn your focus from the negative. Do not feed the negative thought that is running through your mind. Know that today you do not see the world as it truly is so please, do not make decisions from the place you dwell today. Today simply try to find the smallest joy and wrap your body and mind around it. Today just rest and love yourself and know that I care about you and that I am sending you all my blessings.
You are not alone.
Take only what words you need, my friend; I will not be offended if you should choose to be alone. Just remember when you decide again to return and join humanity ...
I will be here.
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
From reading your posts, to me, it seems you have the sweetest, softest heart, which is great for us and the animals, but sometimes it must be tough for you. Hate so much that you are feeling the pain you are in right now. I'll be sending up extra prayers of comfort and love for you during this difficult and painful time for you.
Please know that you are loved & needed very much here at MIP!!
Love & Hugs,
Rita
**also saying prayers for your son's test.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Rita thank you for saying I have a good heart. I guess it is what makes me, me. Makes sense too that if we have soft heart things will hurt harder maybe?
It is so wierd, it is like I can really feel it hurting.
lilms I needed that reminder that this is not forever. It has gone on so long I guess I just figured this was it. I want to feel better but don't. Not forcing anything, just miss being ok. I loved wht you sent.
Diva thank you. I believe that too, we gotta go thru whatever it is when our hearts are healing. Can't rush a broken bone or a broken heart.
It struck me funny when you said when we "choose" to love an a.
do you really believe who we love is a choice? I am curious. I fellin love with my A when i was seventeen and have loved him thirty three years. I could not just choose to stop loving him when I learned he was A. I tell ya diva I wish I could sometimes.
Sure has made a big influence on my life. I tried to love other men, never could. Sure wanted to, most were very wonderful people.
I was out doing chores today. Had to put roofs on two piggy houses. Then restuffed them with this great sweet smelling hay.
Of course my two busy dogs. Gi'Sunka the red dobie/lab and Sauvey my Pyr were running all over the pasture and mountain. Then they decide to dig out and take off in the endless pasture next door... so I go up and have to block that up. anyway I was going to say it was super windy, and it was so neat to feel the warm wind on my face.
thank you diva, validating my feelings means a lot to me.
Maria, neva gonna happen. lol I had my other one over twenty five years. I need that talking, yelling and laughing she does. Thank you for the hug. also I appreciate the reassurance about the skin cancer. I do my best not to think about it. I cannot stand my kids hurting or not being happy.
Marisie, the gal decided to stay up in the area she is in. Made me sad. But she has to do what is best for her. I feel like i have known her forever. We are emailing back and forth. I am dogsitting during thanksgiving for two of her Irish Wolfhounds. I look forward to that.
Mar sometimes dieing IS the bottom for some people. I say they either get so sick of it they quit and get into a recovery program or they die.
I don't feel any resentments, waste of emotion for me. I don't like regrets so i do my best not to have them. Am not sorry that i went thru what i did. Least I felt loved for a few days, felt connected to someone.
I find it so hard that he cannot even talk to me. He is so ashamed he cannot even be around me at all. I remind him of what a loser he thinks he is.
Anyway thank you mar.
Wow you hit it on the head Becky. I am tired. Wake up tired. But push myself to get immediately busy. Cleaned my pet rats cage. OMG he is a pot bellied rat. so spoiled. I love to keep him happy. He loves my soy youghurt.
anyway made ya cry did I? If I read the Bible before i go to sleep I do fine. my a must be pretty messed up to be able to stay away from me. We have been so connected all our lives.
Becky it is all I do. I don't work away from home, can't leave home much. I love it actually. If I did not have this place I would be insane. WEll insaner...but then sometimes I think, how do things get so messy so fast and I gotta start over??
I just get a lot painted and now need to start over. does not help when ya got dumb dogs rubbing your yourwalls....sometimes being a tidy nut and animal lover clash...but I love these guys.
today Gi'Sunka was chasing this chicken who jumped on Estersue the big farm pig and she took off with a chicken on her back...lol that made me laugh.
cracks me up to walk in the barn and there are chickens on the horses.
my darn dreams have been so real for a bit now. I guess it mean I have a lot more to work thru.
(((((debilyn)))) I wish I had some "words of wisdom" for you. You know the kind...all inspirational and such, but I don't. All I can say is that I think you are a wonderful person, so caring and loving. I know what it is like to feel like things aren't getting any better fast enough, it's those times I have to remind myself that it didn't all go downhill in one night, although at times it sure did feel that way lol. So just like it was a process of deterioration the restoration will also be a process.
When I read posts like yours, I wish we all lived close enough to have the ability to stop over and be there for one another in person. But since we can't, we need to remember the other's are there with us in mind, heart and spirit.
I wish I were there too to give you a big hug in person. ((((HUG))))) - you can't believe how I felt your pain when you said you wanted to wake up and go crawl in bed with your husband. What a heart-breaking thought... you have such a good heart, dear. I know that you are loyal and a loving, caring person and he was so lucky to have you as long as he did, you know that? You can be sure in the fact that even though he is sick, he loves you deep down inside. He just is lost in the sickness. How could he not love you?
I am so glad you have your REba. I know the feeling of not laughing often, because when you do, you realize how good it feels! What a funny bird to make you laugh like that! That is great for your spirit, I think.
Debilyn, I know you are worn down and so mentally and physically and it sounds spiritually spent. You are so special here and we need your wisdom and love. Please hang in there and love yourself. You are worth a life of wonder and joy, and it sounds like you have many friends. It's okay if you aren't ready to talk to anyone. When you are, you can, and you don't have to talk about anything sad. There are so many things to talk about in this world. You seem like the kind of person that can make someone's day joyous by the love that shines out of your heart.
I hope you are having a better day today. Wish we could all come out and help you with your farm....
You are truly a marvel ...a work in progress and your posts have helped me so much!
I'm so glad you got your bird. I have 4 birds in my house, a Congo Grey, a Catalina Macaw, a Timneh Grey, and a blue front Amazon. They all talk and whistle and laugh and you are right, they crack me up!!! They are such company for me!!!!
So much natural, unconditional love shows in your posts. I am also an animal lover and my little house gets crowded with the 4 birds, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and fish, but I wouldn't change it.
We need them as much or more than they need us!
Always remember, we never walk alone, our HP is with us and all of our "family" here walk with us too!!!
