This week I was with the A as he drove one of his cars which he has destroyed in his rage athon driving craziness. It is a new car.  He has destroyed the steering by crashing it into a hill, he has destroyed the transmission in record time. He cant afford to have it fixed.

When he first destroyed this car in his rageathon I stepped in and helped him out. I really did not want to admit he was a crazy driver who destroyed cars in a second. I really did not want to see him as he is.  At that time I needed a partner, I wanted to have someone who would be a partner, who would particpate in a relationship, who would do his share.

I really did not want to see the A as a substance abusing mean spirited, manipulative, self absorbed person. I wanted to see him as someone who had hard luck and who needed help and I really believed he would be grateful and loving for the help.

I wanted to give him a chance.

I also wanted to lean on someone and have someone to take care of me. When I began the relationship with the A  he could not do enough for me. He was solicitious, kind, loving, generous and more.  I am always trying to get back to that person. But that person is gone. I have to also remember that he was also at that time a liar. He had a suspended license at that time for reckless driving he never disclosed it.  He has also ended a relationship close to that time.  He totally blamed her for their demise. Since at that time he was solicitious and loving I had no idea of the other side of this.

Needless to say soon after his solicitious and loving behavior lots of red flags popped up.  There were lots of obstacles for me to seeing the red flags. I worked a lot of hours, I became ill with asthma, I had a lay off and soon after that I began a long long period of not being able to find work that paid enough.  I also think for a long long time I believed his lies, I got caught in his manipulations (he is a master at it) and I got side tracked by so much depression, illness, job issues, not being able to get a job at all, isolation and more.  The A of course maximized all those issues for me.  As I was depressed, isolated and alone dependent on him he could all the more make it that it was "all me".  The more depressed I was the more he dumped on me. The more isolated I was the more he dumped on me.  He is a very skilled manipulator outside.  He can be sweet, funny and endearing and he will be that to many people while complaining that I am a depressed monster.

Until I came to al anon I just floundered in the depression and I think it nearly took me under in many many ways. My resentment at the A was incredible.  I can still get there. His behavior is so totally obnoxious, self absorbed, childish and manipulative a saint would not be able to take it.  Naturally I took it all on.  Only today am I able to detach and for me detaching is like taking oxgyen when i need to breathe.

So for once this week when I was in his car and he was going on and on about what he needs and how hard it is for him that his car is broken I did not take it on. I did not take on the rage, I did not take on the pain, I did not take on the self destructiveness. I just let it lay there and I did not pick it up.  There was a time I wanted to be able to use that car. Now I can let that go.  I will not be using that car. I do not want to take that on.

I know for me my days with the A are numbered.  The way out is fraught with obstacles and a tremedous amount of hard work in detaching, in keeping my focus on me.  I know the way out is also a place I am afraid of.  Who will I be without this man who so formed my identity?

I know I gain so much from other people's shares of how they have left, what came up for them and how they managed. I also know that I would not be alive withotu this room.  I think I would have been swallowed up in despair, isolation and depression without being able to come here and tell my truth.

Maresie.