Tammy I am so sad to hear this. I can empathise with the pain. I had a hard week this week.

I know that the chat room can be a great great help when you are down.

Sometimes it is hard to get into, don't let the frustration get to you.

I hope you will do and take steps to make yourself feel better.Take care of you.

I also know the insanity of wondering what the A is up to.  This week the A took off for two days he probably stayed a friends house. I do not ask.  He is always so skilled at manipulating.

Detachment is such a skill. I think A's are super adept at turning stuff around for them.

Set a limit with them they will punish in some way to get the limit removed.

That is one reason it is such hard stuff to keep the limit with them. They are the master at double binds.  I understand their manipulation comes from desperation and total self absorption.

I also understand it is very very frustrating and hurtful.  Remember you can take care of yourself.

If the A felt bad you would take care of him so try to take care of you in the same way.  Give yourself some of the attention you have been giving so freely to him.

Maresie.

((((Tammy))))

I wish that I could help you just skip over this part.  It's so painful.  I remember saying the exact same words, I didn't want to kill myself, but I felt like I just wanted to die.  It has been two years now since my A moved out.  We'd spent 20 yrs together dating/marraige, we have two children. 

As best that you can, keep the focus on you.  I want you to know that you are more important.  You have so much to give, to others and to yourself.  Use this time to work on something you have wanted to do -- something you've been putting off whether it's a chore or luxury.  Keep as busy as you can and "fake it until you make it."  Right now, you are giving him all the power and control because of your fear.  Right now he runs the show and you are waiting -- it doesn't have to be that way.  You really don't have control over what he is doing, no matter how much you want to be able to.  Talking to him, watching him, or trying to find out what is going on will not give you one minutes peace and will only add to your turmoil. 

I do understand, I've been there.  This is not what you want, you hate it, it is probably the worst feeling you've ever had.  Get up everyday, dress your best, put on that great perfume, and do your hair/nails or whatever --- do it for you.  Start a little at a time doing for you.  For a long time I felt half not whole, I still get waves of this.  It does get better.  Remember that your HP is with you, you may not see the good in this at the moment but I know that your HP will help carry you thru.  You don't know what the out come will be either. 

Take it easy on yourself, this is a big thing.  Enough to blow anyones detachment skills out of the water.  Try not to contact him, even after his court date, let him call you.  I spent many a night calling my alanon friends saying I'm calling you cause I know I shouldn't call my A.  I knew if I called him, I'd want reassurance, I'd be needy, I'd be looking for a nugget of hope and I'd also pick him for information, what he'd been doing and with who.  All in all, it didn't matter, what I had done was stop living, started waiting to see what he would do next.  That is no way to live.   As much as you hate it, get up everyday and try to live that one day -- it does get better, it really does. 

Take this one day at a time.  Post here, use your phone list and remember that you are worth your time and energy so much more than he his right now.  And never forget that there is always hope, we don't have all the answers  -- sometimes things work in an amazing way, ways that we would have never thought would be a good thing. 

You'll be in my prayers.