The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been out of my home for 3 weeks today. I asked him to go to detox, rehab and begin a sober life Or move out. So, he went to live with a fellow A while his wife was away on business. Well she came back yesterday and behold my A just misses me so much! He called yesterday and said he needed to see the dogs. So I said fine (it was 8:30 am and I knew he would be drunk YET). After he visited and tried to "guilt" me, I told him I loved him, but I couldn't live with an alcoholic anymore. He left and tried to call later to ask if he could visit again that night...I said no. I knew he would have spent the rest of the day drinking and I didn't want him around. My kids and I had a fun picnic at our horse barn to go to when we (my kids and myself) came home, he was asleep on my basement couch. I was so irritated. This morning, he asked if he could hang out and make a nice dinner for us. I said sure, but there will be no booze here...he said fine. He said he'd need go to the store and get a roast. I said, forget it. I knew he'd be "at the store" for at least 3 hours since he could not go get beer and bring it back. So I just said, "Nothing changed with me. I love you. I'd love to have dinner with you when you decide to get sober."
I feel proud of myself for not falling into the trap of feeling responsible for his choices. He is choosing to stay an alcoholic instead of getting help and staying in our lives. I cannot support that decision anymore. I hope my decision to detach from him helps him get to his bottom faster. He seems at wits end about his living arrangement...because of course he was bagging on me caving in. I don't feel bad about his pain...I know he HAS to feel it to get better. It's amazing though how much better I feel not being enmeshed in his disease.
My A still loves me...I know that. And he knows I love him for sure. But, I certainly couldn't live with my A and not enable him. A's don't have time to grocery shop or do laundry, or get the oil changed, or take the dogs to the vet or pick up the kids at 10pm from a birthday party. They don't have time because all these normal responsibilities cut into their drinking time. That's where I came in. I got it all done. And that's where I enabled him to live a life, drunk and responsibility free. So now I am forcing him to do it all on his own. His clothes will pile up. He will have nothing to eat in his fridge. His vehicle will be broken down. He won't have a pet or a family to enjoy...and hopefully then he may crash...or not. One thing is for sure, I won't be waiting all hours of the night wondering if he's coming home or not.
Hope this helps someone who is wrestling with the concept of staying or leaving or keeping the A or throwing them out. Think about yourself.
Well done! You should be very proud of yourself. It's funny, we so often think of us enabling the As by buying them alcohol, or picking them up so they won't drink and drive. But we don't think of it as enabling when we make it easy on them. We think of it as "keeping house". But what if we stopped? What then? Thanks for this, I am sure it will give people something to ponder upon.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
All I can say to you is rock on girlfriend....your post made my day.......my husband has been out of the house for 3 months now.....I don't even know where he is living or if he has a house to live in....the thing is.....I was Queen Enabler....I am the reason he got to live his life with his drugs and alcohol for so long.....I did it all...alone while married....
Thank You for this wonderful reminder that we should do this for ourselves....I keep pushing thru...I know there is joy in life again somewhere....
Thank you for your post. You are so direct and firm. I am having a hard time detaching. I am doing it and saying the right things to my A son ,but I feel just terrible. I just wish I could fix it all with a magic wand and all this agony would be over, but that's not going to happen.
Your post reminded me so much of what my dil went through while she was still living with my A son. She had to do everything. He had to work, work , work....so he said. He was not a participent in the family. His disease would not allow him to be a family man. He loves his daughters but really could not be the father they needed. Just couldn't handle it.
I hope one day he can get into recovery and seek professional help for his emotional problems. Right now he can only use alcohol to deal with things.
I am familiar with the old '*got* to go to the supermarket for ...' line too, what a cr*ck.
What about the children though? I know my son needs to see his dad, and so far the arrangement has been that my son is with him on the weekends, because he works full-time. But the weekends is when he drinks most. And there is no way for me to prove it.
We have been separated 10 months now, but he kept the dogs. They are all skinny and never get walked. The garden and fish tank are also neglected. He tries to come hang out here and have me make him dinner etc. GRR...
What about the children though? I know my son needs to see his dad, and so far the arrangement has been that my son is with him on the weekends, because he works full-time. But the weekends is when he drinks most. And there is no way for me to prove it.
If you have concerns about leaving your son with a drunk...you should. You should talk to your attorney about your concerns. Attorneys have to prove parents "fit" or not all the time.
Keep yourself safe and even more important, keep your child safe, cause he didn't choose this arrangement.
