The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
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Giving to others, from the heart..is what its all about..
Sometimes we accept for alittle while and then regress into denial. When I do accept I feel paralized as to what to do. What does acceptance really mean? It doesn't stop the hurt. Someone told me to stop worrying about what to do and to take it one minute at a time and to stop trying to control the situation. I am trying to realize that I am not alone and that my AH is responsible for what he does or does not do. That is what I am trying but I feel like I am in a state of anxiety. Does acceptance mean acting like nothing is wrong...after a night of drinking should I act like it doesn't bother me. So I stay quiet because I don't want to lecture and go about my business while trying to be cordial. It all feels so helpless. I feel like I am chasing my tail and my AH knows this and is just waiting for me to get tired and slip back into the comfortable world of denial.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Thank you! It is so important that we understand that these stages of grief are normal. We are mourning what could have been, or what we didn't have, etc. This loss is sometimes more difficult than someone's death because the people in our lives that are either As or have abused us in some ways are still alive - and we carry the hope that "if I did this...then things would be different."
I heard someone else say, "It is what it is." It is a simple statement that helps me to remember that things in my life are out of my control. It helps me work on acceptance instead of bargaining.
I'm no authority on anything...Just a recovering drunk....and some days an insane Alanoner.:)
Everything Ive learned over the past few years has been through pain....and trying to control.
When the pain became too much? I had to let go...or become insane..
The word "Powerless" comes to mind..
The phrase "I don't hafta be a doormatt" comes to mind...
The "Serenity Prayer" comes to mind..
I used to run around in circles..trying to make things better...and thought it was "Me" while the person I loved, in my life...thought that there was absolutely nothing wrong with them...Gads!!
The disease of alcoholism....and all the isms that go with it...can send us right around the bend if we let it....and I know its difficult when youre in it..and living under the same roof...
I know that its even more difficult when there are children involved...
I had people in my life...that werent even alcoholic....but had every ism..that an alcoholic, can have..As an Alcoholic...I taught them well :)..as the alcoholics before them...
We all haver choices....
We have a program..
We have freinds all over the map...that we can identify with...
But...as much as that keeps us from feeling all alone...it does not change the situations that we are in...
This disease of alcoholism, will take those around it...right to an insane asylum...if we let it...
Things we can change....and cant....to me is the biggy....
How long do we hang in..? How long do we stay? Are things going to change? We hang on with hope..that they will...and try to detatch...
Murder is against the law...anger and resentment can run rampid..
Someone said on here..in another post that we are addicted to the alcoholc...I beleive that to be true...
I have seen many....leave alcohic relationships....and go right back into another one...we go with the familiar...and change is scary...
We blame ourselves....self confidence goes for a crap...we react...we dont react...
I do know one thing for sure...
We are responsible for us..and to us...
Took a long time to figure out..that happiness comes from within..I always thought, that it came from others..
And the 12 steps...the fellowship...and meetings meetings and more meetings....and practice..
are biggys...
But..there are some days that "I JUST DONT WANT TO!! Ide rather do it my way!! (smile)
We all know where that leads...You all have the best day you can...And we are human...
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Giving to others, from the heart..is what its all about..
Someone said on here..in another post that we are addicted to the alcoholc...I beleive that to be true...
I have seen many....leave alcohic relationships....and go right back into another one...we go with the familiar...and change is scary...
We blame ourselves....self confidence goes for a crap...we react...we dont react...
I do know one thing for sure...
We are responsible for us..and to us...
Phil and all,
My hubby went to a local treamtment center about 5 years ago and one thing he told me was that my picker was broken. And boy was he right, everytime I find myself being attracted to another man, I run. LOL we have a standing joke at the office. Every single one of our clients that I like (in the platonic sense) I know there is something wrong or we are not seeing the whole picture. And I am usually right. So I guess being married to an addict/alcoholic has helped my intuition.
I have accepted that my picker is broken. I truly believe that this has helped me. I looked at my marriage and I know it isn't ideal, but I love him. And there is no doubt in my mind if he loves me or not. And I have had to sit down and really think about whay was acceptable to me. The decission to stay or go I have turned over to HP. My "A" and I have discussed the behaviors that will result in my ending our marriage. But the living with active addiciton is not easy, but I am not alone. And I have accepted that right now maybe this is where I need to be, and I have told HP that I am pretty stuborn, so the word that is time to go needs to be really easy to read. So far, I don't think that HP has given me that word.
So I stay and I continue to work on me with, yes the hope, that someday soon my hubby will rejoin me in recovery.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thanks for that. I will have to copy it and mail it to a friend who is having a hard time with acceptance. As always, your timing couldn't be better. Sure you're not HP in disguise?
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
