The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
........... Is it better to make amends verbally? I can list the people I feel I need to make amends to but am leery about saying anything to them especially because I am good at not saying what I mean the right way. So far, I feel better just being a better person, being kinder to these people regardless of how they behave. Maybe I'm just not far enough along this road to recovery to express myself verbally..........jaja
Before any amends are made, it's always important to sit down with a sponsor and have them look at our motives for making amends with us. One of the best stories I've heard about the amends process is one gentleman felt so low when he came to the program, he wanted to just stand at the intersection of Interstates 70 and 75 here with a sign that said "I did it. I was wrong. No excuse." Obviously, his sponsor and his home group urged and prevented him from taking such measures, but it illustrates how desprate we can be to right the wrongs we've committed in the past.
The way I was taught to do amends is that I: Steps 4 and 5 I learn about how my relationships to the world have become dysfunctional; the dysfunctions are based in character defects. II: Step 6 I examine how each character defect affected each specific relationship. III. I ask god to show me how living without this character defect will heal this relationship, how living according to his plan will heal my role in this relationship, and what actions I need to take to heal the wrongs committed in this relationship from my end. IV. Step 8, I take the relationships in my 4th step list, and perhaps add to it--and I again ask god, and another human being, what exact measures need to be taken to set right my role in the past. Is it repaying money? Is it sitting down and saying, verbally, what I did was wrong, and I have no excuse to rationalize, justify, excuse, or otherwise condone the behavior? Or, and this is very, very, VERY important, is the best thing I can do is leave that person completely alone? To pray for them, and have NO contact whatsoever with them? V. Having agreed in the previous steps with what my role is, I physically go out and speak to those who I have wronged, face to face; I write letters (ideally; email, I was taught, can be so impersonal); I make phone calls. If there is a risk of legal problems, I consult a lawyer (for example, in making amends to an employer he stole money from, a gentleman is currently serving 18 months in prison, saying only in his statement "My alcholism was no excuse your honor. I knew it was wrong then, and it's wrong now. Period.") I take any necessary steps to set right the wrongs I committed--period. If I have no way of setting the wrongs right immediately, I set forth a plan with the person harmed to, over time, make the wrongs right. Amends are not for our comfort, our ease, our peace--they are to give the other person the knowledge that we are willing to own who we are and be honest about what we are; they are humbling, honest, and force us to be vulnerable.
If one does not feel one is willing to go to these lengths to make amends, perhaps one needs to go through the previous steps and find out why. And if one is not willing to make a specific amend to a person or institution, again, it is important to find out why. The end result of direct amends is the freedom to walk in god's world as equals, knowing who we are and what we are without fear of either. If you want this, if you really want this, being verbally honest won't be a problem at all.
Yes, it is best to make the amends in person. My sponsor would only allow me to write a letter if I knew I was to never see this person again. My first amends in my 9th step was the hardest. I prayed for the words to say. With each amends I made it became easier and easier to get out exactly what I was trying to say. No amend is easy for me. I still make them. In person, where ever possible. My 9th step is ongoing. I am not to go seek them out. God will put these people in front of me when it is time and has.
I don't know where you are at on the steps, if you have a sponsor or not. The steps are in order for a reason. Good luck in your recovery!
As suggested for this very important step...Take your time. Go slowly and use your sponsor. Be with your HP at all times and focus on what the step says. An apology is not an amends. An apology is an admission of guilt and/or responsibility and a humble approach to the person I have offended and no longer holding them responsible to the event. I let them off the hook no matter what their part was and I don't even bring up past hurts and resentments. This is my apology for my part in the situation. Amends means changing or correcting my behavior. If I took something from them I replace it or give value for it. If I physically hurt that person I make payment for curing the harm. If I lied about them or gossiped about them I go to those I involved and recant the lie and apologize there also. And then I turn my will and life over to the "care of God as I understand God" and drop the sick behavior. I don't find justification to do it again. That is the amends.
Its good that you are open minded. We learn alot that way. It is also an amends.
I often feel that people read the 8th step as "Made a list of all people we harmed and made amends to them all." STOP! Steps 8 and 9 are two different things.
Step 8 is preparing, becoming "willing" to make an amend. All this step is, is a list. How long you have that list, who you put on it, take off of it etc. is up to you. I do recommend as other have that you do get a sponsor to help you with your list. We can have a tendancy to over guilt ourselves and make amends for things that, well, we really don't need to. We can lose our perspective. A sponsor can also help with what it is to "become willing."
Step 9 is the action of making the amend. It's my personal feeling that, if you aren't putting your self in any physical danger, that it should be face to face. The step tells us to make "direct amends" -- this is how I interpert it. Here a sponsor can help you with what an actual amend means, how not to have expectations of how the amend is received by the other person, and why it is we do make amends (it is for us ).
Above all, if you have not completed steps 1-7, you need to slow down. It's not bad to look at those things we might need to make amends for, it's also not a bad thing to start on a list of people -- the thing is w/ a sponsor and having worked the prior steps you will find your list change. It may grow, it may shrink. Take your time.
I talked it over with a sponsor. It was decided in certain cases, not to make amends because it might the person more. But I did write it down in the form of a letter to get it out. I did both, writing a letter (because of the distance) as well as f2f. It was really, really hard. But I'm glad that I did it. Best piece of advice (which I don't normally give): take your time with your steps. To me hurrying through the steps can only get you into trouble. My AH being the over achiever went through his 12 steps while in rehab! Guess what? He relapsed, again and again. All I'm saying is that don't rush things. When it is right to go to the next step, you'll know. No one says that the steps have to be completed in a month or 2 or whatever. Give them the time they each deserve. Then once completed, don't forget to live the steps.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
).