The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Want an example of a strange 24 hours. Starting at 5:30pm yesterday I had a conversation with my AW. We are seperated for 2 weeks now and she is getting a little beligerant about how it is not right that we are apart. That I am doing this to her and she is pissed that I won't give in and agree to help her quit drinking at home. (She made it clear that what she needed to quit was for us to go to counceling to help our relationship.)
At 10:30 in the evening she called saying she needed some of her medicine from the house. She asked me to put it outside so she could grab it. Obviously she didn't remember that when she got to the house, cause seeing the door shut on the garage she was furious and put her fist through the glass on it. Then a phone call while she is driving home to say that slit her wrist and she is bleeding all over the place. Says the paramedics are there, but stays on the phone with me for 45 minutes on how this is all my fault.
I told my sponsor last night, that all I could think to say in the middle of that was " I really think you need to get some help, I know you can do it"
Today, a card left at the house for me at lunch time. It's beautiful and says "can we just put our past behind us and start over", with some personal notations that were random quotes. It was a nice card.
I shot her a message that it was a beautiful card and I love her too.
It is painful to watch, and can make your life unbearable without this program. With the program I see the valley's from some trail up higher now, and can see the peaks from where I am without climbing trecherous ledges (or getting my hopes up).
What this evening brings... I don't know, but I know I can make it through. I will just stay on this middle path.
Have a great weekend and take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
As always you inspire with your gentleness and letting go when confronted with your AW's illness. It is so good to hear that you are strong with this program. It is so important that we keep practicing so we can get through these horrific times, and they don't seem so horrific through detachment, as you so wonderfully practiced and achieved the last few days.
Thanks for the posting of your emotions and hope you will have a peaceful weekend....
I'm really proud of you for standing your ground, honey. I really am.
I hope she gets some professional help, as in getting that hand stiched up. Putting one's hand through plate glass has a tendency to leave some lasting affects on the body. Know another A that did it--can't feel his fingers to this day.
As for how "you're at fault"--it gets awful lonely when you're the one responsible for all your own problems. Have you thought about investing in caller ID? Eventually, the ONLY reason an alcholic will EVER reach a bottom is because they run out of scapegoats to accept their blaming/shaming/manipulating/conniving/conning/whining. You don't have to be a part of her cycle any more...if you don't want to be. ((MONSTER HUG))
"Courage is faith that has said it's prayers." I just remembered that after reading your post. I remembered the knot that use to reside in my stomach when I was where you are at now. I guess the best and most honest thing I said was "I love you too." Anything else would have been a stall trying to keep her out of HP's hands and in mine.
I ask my HP to stand with you also and with your alcoholic. Blessings
When I read your post - I heard strength and conviction. I heard your love for your wife. I heard your detachment so you can heal - and hope that your wife will heal. I hear loving detachment.
You see, when I read your post - it brought up a memory of when my daughter put her hand through glass, blamed me for everything that was not going her way in her life. I was torn up inside. I put a brave face on to the world - but inside I was a wreck. I hadn't learned loving detachment yet.
What a wonderful testament to your growth. Thank you for sharing.
I find it much easier to detach from the bad parts, my A likes walls not windows, or drinking buddy "how bad can we hurt each other contests" ... I can look away from bruises, burns, swollen hands saying that must hurt. Trusting if it is bad enough he will get help, and not ooohing over it.
On the other hand the nice parts like a card or nice words is harder to detach from, of course it is what I want .... just not the way he is giving it. Not knowing if the feeling is real and having no idea what the motive is behind it, hurts still.
i hope you have a great weekend, and take care of you.
