The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
" Why is it that the takers of this world always seem to find the givers?"
These wise words were said by a dear friend of mine many years ago when we both worked together at a center for survivors of domestic violence. I don't mean to stereotype but over and over in our work, it seemed we met good, strong women who were being victimized by bad, weak men. These woman were not whiny, whimpering women. More often than not, I considered my clients to be as strong and often MUCH stronger than me. They were struggling to take care of their children and themselves in the face of horrible behavior by abusive men.
Still, by and large, most women hated the EMOTIONAL abuse more than the physical abuse. It seemed to me that they had hooked up with men who had no intention of really giving in the relationship, or had no idea of how to give in a relationship.
They did however know how to take. These men did often have very good skills at manipulation and probably many might qualify as psychopaths--with no true conscience. They were good at hiding their true selves until the women had committed to the relationship-whether it was by marriage, living together or pregnancy sometimes.
It was very common for most of the financial assets to be in the batterer's name and the debts to be in the woman's name. (I say woman because 95% of our clients were women.) That is certainly one way to keep another person tied to you.
Too often I hear descriptions of alcoholic's behavior that sounds like the emotional, financial and psychological abusiveness of batterers.
The statistics are grim in terms of batterers changing their behavior. I wonder if the equally grim statistics re alcoholics recovering from their addictions are in any way related.
My AH was 47 yrs old when he entered sobriety this time - it was his 3rd round at rehab. On one hand over the last 3 1/2 almost 4 yrs, there has been tremendous amounts of changed behaviors, on the other, there is still a long way to go.
I am grateful to have support from recovering A's that help me understand that he is still trying to undo 30 something years of learned behaviors. My AH started drinking around the age of 13. His character defects still can drive me crazy, if I let them - I really have to practice my own program of recovery and remember that each person recovers on God's time table not mine.
So, I know that it is normal for everyone to say "people don't change", but I think that if you really want a change in your life - with the help of a HP, I think that you can stop those unacceptable behaviors. It's not easy, nor is it common, but I do think that it can happen. That is the miracle of a Higher Power working through AA, Al-Anon, Religious programs, therapy and other methods.
Just my E, S, & H,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I, however, let my guard down and have been taken in by many women as well. It is not just men who take from woman.
My entire family has a storage unit that we all share. However, most of the stuff there is mine. At one point in my disastrous relationship with my husband, my family said that I could have all of their stuff to sell at a yard sale to have money for a good lawyer. I happened to mention this to a casual friend in my homeschool group when we were discussing yard sales as being a good place to earn money for school supplies since few moms who homeschool work.
I told her how much work it was going to be, but worth it. She offered to help me in exchange for some of the homeschool materials that I was done with.
While working, she saw many many nice things that she wanted. As we cleaned them up she would say "Why don't we put this stuff in my garage so it won't get dirty again while we dust off the other stuff? This way I can use it and you will be helping me while I am helping you". Always eager to help and especially help a friend, I agreed.
To make a long story short, she took everything of value, bikes, skates, a complete weight set from my brother, a new weight bench from him too, my sisters word processor, my daughter's barbie's, tons of homeschool books, appliances from my sister's first marrage that where new and in great shape...besides clothes and all sorts of things. I only have one child who is a very neat and tidy girl so all of the toys were in new condition.
She got so much stuff as one day she offered to go and clean up the place and dust it down so when we went next time my asthma would not be so bad. She made a copy of the key and was going in there at night snooping around, making sure all of the "good stuff" was easy to get.
I had my concerns but did not think a homeschooling friend, who tend to be tradtional people, would risk a friend for "things".
Of course as soon as she had basically gotten everything of value she dissappeared and stopped taking my calls. She dropped out of our homeschool group and moved back home to where she came from, taking my stuff with her.
I felt blindsided. I had confided in her about the problems with my husband and never dreamed she would take advantage of that. I never dreamed that she would risk so much to steal all of those things from me.
It was a lot of nice valuable things, but most of it was used, not really valuable on the market, but I guess to go to a persons house, so much expensive stuff in new condition, it seemed worth it to her.
This taught me a valuable lesson.
Thiefs and con artists come all in all shapes and sizes, sexes, and ages.
The person you least expect may be the worse one of all.
Who would suspect a homeschooling mom? My entire family loved her, thinking she was such a good friend, my Mom even babysat and helped homeschool her kids for free on weekends to thank her for helping me...UGH!
It is not just men or alcoholics who do this stuff...
Interesting topic, speaking only for myself here .... A few months ago I looked up the characteristics of a sociopath, psychopath and narcissism. My AH had them all except he was working ... now he has them all. As to whether it is his personality or the result of his using is debatable. I've seen most of those defining characteristics in him when he was not using but not in a program also.
Can physically and emotionally abusive people become addicted to the rush of performing thier acts? Or is it just thier nature? Could the need to hurt someone be looked at as a disease like addiction?
Just thoughts that popped into mind ... have to run to work, probably a good thing or who knows where my brain would go next LOL
