The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read somewhere - don't remember where - that guilt is a type of fear: of being afraid of living up to someone else's expectations.
With that said - I feel guilty that I have no desire to be in touch with my immediate family members anymore (my mother, brother & sister). The guilt came on when I realized that I wasn't thinking about them anymore - and just living my life without them.
Why should I keep in touch with them. Is it necessary just because they are blood relatives of mine? Two of them (mother & brother) don't even recognize me anymore, and my sister is in her own world.
I rationalize that I am happier with the distance and lack of contact. But am I just hiding? Are my physical ailments caused by buried unresolved issues? The last time I worked on these issues I fell into "playing the victim" mode. It took a lot to get me out of that mindset. I don't want to go back in my recovery.
As an adult child, guilt is my middle name. I don't know if I have any really good info on guilt to fit your situation. I have always had a close relationship with my family. From the other side of the fence though, I have family members I almost never hear from. It's a understood thing that I just don't hear from them much. When I do, I am happy to hear from them.
I don't spend any time stomping around cussing that I never hear from my cousin. I would certainly hope that he feels no guilt in not staying in closer touch. Over the years, he seemed to be a little put out when I forced the issue and contacted him all the time, so now I just don't.
Guilt is a real force to be dealt with. Keep sharing, I know you can work through it. We will be here to help if we can.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I've been in "projection guilt" over grades. At this time of the term, I always start spinning because I usually have a pretty good gage over how the grades are gonna turn out (it's not even finals!), what my professor thinks of me (I've never asked!), and how I think the grades are REALLY gonna average out (there's a reason I'm math LD!). What I'm really saying when I spin like this is the old feelings I've always had as "little Sarah:" If I had those REALLY REALLY good grades, like Erika, and Megan, and Nickki, than my daddy wouldn't drink. And if I had those really really good grades like those girls, my daddy would love me and be there for me and all those things..."
right now I'm looking out my window and a HUGE cloud is being blown by the wind, and it's colored that PERFECT shade of purple and pink and blue that only god could create. It's important when I get into "recovery limbo" and the guilt starts spinning and all those things that I remember humility--that I'm not god. that it's okay to be scared and frightend, but it's also okay to be Sarah.
I have been feeling guilty over some relationships--it's a nagging kind of guilt, but it's not necessarily based on a realistic sense of something I did (i.e.--it's not, as far as I can tell, based on a situation where I need to make amends). I do think, though, that it is based on the following unrealistic thinking: if I could have just been better, more perfect ALL the time, then maybe this person would love me. And, I'll think things like, if I could just have another chance to be perfect, I would really work hard and do it, so I would have this person's love. Clearly, my thinking is distorted. I think that some relationships are just HARD and if there is falling out or distance between us and those we're in relationship with, that can often be for a REASON, good reason. Afterall, it does take two to tango. Sometimes others in my life that I would like to have a relationship with are unwilling or unable, sometimes my expectations are unrealistic.
I find it useful to "go sleuthing" in my own life and really look over the REALITY of what happenend. I work really slowly and think about our last interactions, about times I tried to reach out, about times they tried to reach out, etc. to see if I can get a clearer sense of whether there is something I need to change or not or whether I am just doing the best I can in a difficult situation.
