The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am so sad and just need to talk it out really.
Last weekend my Abf went on another crazy binge. I was so worried. I tried not to be, but I knew he could end up in real trouble. I worried and I missed him so much.
Eventually, he came back full of remorse. I told him I could not live this way any more. He begged and pleaded it would get better...he wouldn't drink so often....blah blah! This went on for a couple of hours or so.
I said no. I wanted him to leave. (Really I wanted the drinking to stop. I don't want to be apart from him.) I just don't want this alcohol fuelled life. I can't do it anymore.
Anyway now he's going. He didn't put up much of a fight to save what we have really. This shocks me a bit if I'm honest. All his enabling (not his drinking) friends and family are helping him. Covering up for him at work. His dad is paying a deposit on an apartment and driving him around. They are all rescuing him.
He's happy, it seems.
I sort of hoped if I kicked him out he may reach his bottom. I hoped it would be a blessing for him. Maybe he would stop killing himself. He's getting so worn looking. He's getting sicker and sicker every day.
Instead though, as I jump off the merry go round, so many others jump on. And on and on it goes.
I already miss him so much. I just want to love him and him to love me. He keeps saying he does, but it's hard to see the love through the disease. In my nieviety I though I was giving him the kindest gift I could even though it was breaking my heart. Now it seems to me I'm the only one getting hurt in all this. And it seems to me I'm causing the hurt to myself by asking him to leave. I know it won't be long till he's in a relationship with someone else and our time together will be but a memory.
Just finding it hard to cope with the sadness of it all today. I know the wise thing to do is to break away and start again. I do know this. I just don't know if I have the energy again.
I thought I was being granted the courage to do what I had to do. Maybe instead I should pray for the wisdom to know the difference.
I am so sorry for your sadness. Listen to your deepest soul. You say that you know you have to let him go. You cannot control him. You cannot win against an enabling group, especially his Dad. Take care of yourself. Take one small breath and one small step at a time. Use all your tools to help you through. Find your friends. Let youself accept comfort from them. You do have the energy and the courage to go through it. Let us know how you are doing.
Sometimes doing what is right and/or best for us is harder than doing the wrong thing. Use this time for yourself, it will help you get your energy back and it will easier to move on. I have found, for me, that when I take time to do things for me it is so much easier to do the rest. I have the energy and willpower to move on with whatever needs to be done. There is so much less stress and in turn my decisions seem clearer.
The hardest thing I did was to ask hubby to leave. I would not live with this any more. It was the best thing and sadest thing I did for me. But I had too. Like you, I wasn't going to live that way any more. My heart was shattered. It doesn't mean that you don't love him any more. He doesn't drink because he doesn't love you. He has a disease that doesn't let him stop unless he's ready to stop. I tried the "if you loved me, you'd stop." It doesn't work. They have to want their sobriety and they have to be ready for it.
At some point dear one you begin to take your life back and that's what you are doing. In time you will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. I was lonlier with my AH living with me than I was when I told him to go.
I do agree the fact that his family is helping him, really isn't helping him. But that's their choice. Your making the choice to take back your life. That's a hard decision. But it doesn't mean that it wasn't the right one for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It doesn't matter what others are doing for him. It does not concern you. Whether he is at home or not. What are you going to do for you? You made it here. You stood up and said I can't take this anymore and told him to leave. I know it hurts. That is progress to say enough is enough, mean it and follow through with it. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it sure helps set the tone.
I waited for years for my 1st AH to hit bottom. Even after being married to 2nd AH, I was waiting for the 1st one's bottom. If he reached his bottom he would see just how sick he really was, and would know how he treated me. He never did hit bottom. I learned very quick once I came to Al-anon that I am just as sick if not sicker than the A. I could bring new levels to insanity.
It is not like this for me today. I am happy, joyus, and free. I take each day one day at a time, to the best I can each day. Some days maybe tougher than others, but the progress is never ending. I make a choice everday on how I choose to walk through my day.
Eventually, alcholics reach their bottom because they run out of scapegoats to accept their blaming/shaming/manipulating/conning/conniving/whining. Eventually, people will catch on, and they'll step off the merry go round, too. It'll just take time. In the mean time, it would behoove you to work on yourself. Work on detachment. All the good garbage you're already doing!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't think you are hurting yourself by letting him go. I heard someone say one time that the kindest, gentlest thing to do in some situations for both people is to just let go. It doesn't mean you don't love him terribly, or him love you. He is sick, and needs help. The family members, etc. that are now "rescuing" him don't know our program.
You need to rescue yourself and your sanity, and you are doing that by posting your sadness and reaching out. It is so so important. Loving someone with this illness is the worst thing I have ever gone through, I feel your pain. But we can carry each other through, that is what we are here for. I don't know if you go to face to face meetings but that and prayer are what keep me hanging on. Isolation is the worst.
I hope you can feel peaceful soon. The wisdom to know the difference is so important to realize right now...
