The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
think back to last week, last month, last year at what you were doing.
....Last year...Oh my!!!
...I was riding past bars where I thought my A son hung out to see if his car was parked anywhere around them on my way to work in the morning. I would also do that after work.
...I called his cell phone many times a day with excuses for reasons that I needed to talk to him about....if he answered.
...If he did not answer I would call many times more because of my fear of something wrong. Then I would obsess over what I would tell him when I did talk to him about all the missed calls from me.
...I would always try to get close enough to him to see if I could smell booze on him.
...I was constantly trying to drag him into conversations about how he was going to fix his life when he did not want to discuss it with me. I wanted answers that he did not have.
Believe me...these are just a few things I was doing last year to try and control him.
A few months ago...
...he moved out and occasionally I would ride past where he lived to see if his car was there so I knew if he was out drinking and driving.
...I was still calling everyday for one reason or another.
...I was trying to get him to my house so I could patrol him.
...I was still having a few expectations that he would do what he committed to doing.
A few weeks ago and currently....
...I never ride by to see if his car is at home, at a bar or anywhere else.
...I sometimes do not call him for 2 or even 3 days at a time. He usually ends up calling me.
...I absolutely never talk to him about drinking or anything regarding his life that is none of my business (of course that doesn't leave much in way of conversation).
...I EXPECT him to not follow through with anything he says he is going to do. If he does follow through then I am pleased.
So...I can see alot of recovery for me in the past year. I am sure you can too if you just take a look back.
I remember when it would be a Sunday night and then teenage A stepdaughter would be nowhere to be found. I was drinking then, but I couldn't start my own drinking until the inevitable phone call would come, and I'd go 20, 25 miles one way to pick her up. So she wouldn't miss school Monday morning, and so the school authorities wouldn't come down on us parents, which would make my untreated Alanon wife hand the problem over to me to fix, and if I stood up for myself then she'd be mad at me and I couldn't stand that. I am still fascinated by the fact that I was the chief enabler within my family when I was still an active alcoholic!.
I needed Alanon badly then, but even moreso, I needed AA. I had to work on myself first, and that drove the family farther apart. Or rather, it drove a wedge between my wife and me.
I ended up sober, and eventually alone. Until that call came - just a few days before Christmas - from my daughter in rehab (with granddaughter) inviting me back into her life. We did literally start over, but we remember the past in all its glory. It's part of our stories now, and generates a lot of humor sometimes. Her stealing my beer, my resenting having to delay my drinking because SHE was out drinking... LOL.
And there's that beautiful girl, who has no memory of her mother drinking... and that beautiful boy, who will turn 1 in just a few weeks. Sometimes I just don't think I was meant to be a parent. It's too hard to say no. My grandkids have good parents who do say no. Now I learn how to be a parent, after it's too late...
Oh yes, there is still recovery progressing. Letting them be, not trying to solve their problems - financial or otherwise. I'm learning to be a parent to adults.
Thanks for sharing your growth with us. What progress!!! You are doing amazing, I love the timeline comparison. This program blesses us, doesn't it? How to deal with that obsession behavior is a big challenge.... how to let go and let God...
You sound really strong and thanks for the inspiration..... you are making it one day at a time!!!
Last year - I had to be strong in my convictions when I threw my daughter out of the house and let her know that it wasn't ok for her to abuse me anymore - that I was no longer supporting her habit. I was worried about where my daughter was, what she was doing, if she was alive, if she was in jail, etc.
A few months ago - I was discussing boundaries with her that she would have to follow in order to come back to live with my husband and I. Each day I worried that she'd slip back into her old ways, she'd begin to abuse me again, and I would have to enforce those boundaries. A few months I had to be strong in my convictions to not step in and "fix" anything that might have caused my daughter to starting drinking or using again. I was there to offer her support and advice (if asked) to help her get through those issues.
Now - I keep wondering when the other shoe will drop: will she go back to using - but I don't let my daughter hear my worries. I now tell her how proud I am of her: how she's been able to keep her job and get raises and compliments at work; how she's been getting excellent evaluations from her professors at the university.
She has asked me about my "adversion" to drinking and people who are high and drunk. She has been receptive when I tell her about my brother (who she has never met). She must have seen something in my eyes because she asked me how long it would take before I'd know she'll never go back to using. I told her, "Time."
I was abused by my mother, brother, sister and daughter for so long - I honestly don't know when I'll ever let my guard down completely with my daughter. I know I am able to trust her more each day/month that she stays clean and sober - but I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust her. That other shoe keeps hanging in the air.
