The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to love the holidays-until I got married. I don't even mean married to my "A". This year is the first Christmas I have actually looked forward to in a while--now when it is here it may be a complete disaster, but I'm hoping all will turn out--I don't even know that can happen, but I really wish it this year.
I get very sad and lonely this time of year. I miss some of the Italian traditions of my family. I might have had a dysfunctional family - but I do have happy memories of the traditional celebrations, food, etc. that we did when I was growing up.
Now, I live far away from friends, and my daughter & husband could care less about the holidays - so I don't bother.
Hello Barbara , oh it hurts when I hear someone who dosent like the holdays that are aproaching . When I first came here I couldnt relate to people who didnt like the holidays but after a few yrs I realized that xmas was not a problem for me ( he always managed to stay sober for xmas and we had great memories . The problem for me and the holiday I hated was Grey Cup weekend , ( in canada it is the biggest football weekend of the yr) and I hated it . Blitzed all weekend and for a few weeks after ,late november. but by time xmas got here he managed to pull h imself out of the dumps and behave .
The beautiful lights the music and the hustle and bussle of christmas . If you think about it Barbara it really isn't any diff in our homes the A's drink regardless o f what time of yr it is . Try the One Day At a Time and enjoy . If you have children make it the best Xmas they have ever had (not in gifts) but attitude .
There is nothing we can do about what the A's do and we are not responsible for thier behavior , but we are responsible for how we react to them . Keep it simple and do the opposite to what u have always done and it has to work out different. And one of my fav gifts from our program was learning about plan B , make your plans over the holidays and if he dosent' choose to be a part of it go anyway . You don't have to explain why he isn't with you Simply tell people u don't 'know they will have to ask him next time they see him . and watch the topic of conversation change quickly . Your worth the effort .
Just for Today I will be happy. I chose that one when I first arrived here and some days I did it with clenched teeth :) but I found one thing a day that made me happy can be as simple as a quiet coffee down at the coffee shop , a hot stinky bubble bath in the m iddle of the afternoon , just simple things just for me.
I think I'm pretty much skipping it this year. I always threaten, but this year - I think I'm really going to do it. Too much stress, and too much money.
Buying 6 gifts - for kids under 10. Donating a little money to the Battered Womens Shelter in my community - what I can afford. Inviting anyone in my and my husband's family that wants to come to my house for snacks and soup on New Year's Day afternoon - to come.
Wait 'til my mother hears this - she's going to die! HA!
Barbra, what I'm hearing in this post is ALOT of hurt. I'm also hearing someone who's buried ALOT of memories from past holidays and WILL NOT talk about them.
I hope you have a sponsor, a sponsorship family, and a home group. This "three legged stool" of recovery was the hall mark, the bedrock, of what finally gave me the courage to look at my past and do inventories--ALOT of inventories. First, of course, was the traditional 4th step. Then came an inventory of what my character defects did in my life--how did these defects (which, my sponsor emphasised, where assets in extreme) affect my relationships? Why? What can I do change this? Then came memories, feelings, experiences and resentments toward my parents, friends, institutions and myself--a more detailed expanded version of the 4th step. Then came Holidays, Memories, Experiences--an inventory ONLY on the holidays we celebrated, what happened on the holidays we celebrated, and how it affected me; an inventory ONLY on memories I carry with me, why I carry these with me, and how they affect me; and an inventory ONLY on experiences in my life that have affected me, how they have affected me and why I carry these with me. Right now I'm working on an inventory on Family Roles: Why I was supposed to function in my family the way I was.
By learning about my past and who I am, I have greater empathy for myself as I was pre recovery, my family as they are, and a greater understand of who they are because of the issues they have brought with them into our family--it's no small thing that my mother, for example, was sexually molested by her father, then by her first husband, then by my father. So it's no surprise she let me be alone (ALOT) with my father. That's a big thing.
Please, if you haven't already, maybe it's time to embrace the steps. Write about your memories about the holidays. And grieve. Everyone does their time with the kleenex box.
I soooo know how you feel. The 1st few I spent alone without any family was the hardest. Now that I've spent 13-14 of them alone, it doesn't have the same effects. I just chalked them up to being another day that I didn't have to share with anyone and adjusted my expectations. Tryed to get rid of the hate part too, wasn't good for me. I just slept for some, some did something with myself, and the last 1 I had my kitty family. Learning to share with self gets easier. The resentments of noone to be with gets easier. Be easy with yourself. If you want to be involved with the celebrations, there are all kinds of groups that you can be around. The meaning is different though you won't be alone if thats the thing. I just got so use to it over the years that the meaning has slipped away, kinda like undoing a training.
Best of blessings to you in how you decide to approach it this year. Hopfully not to much focus on the hate as that makes it harder.
Blessin's strength and courage to you
P S I try to stay involved with my art, maybe you have a hobby, too ?
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 18:59, 2006-11-01
__________________
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I LOVE the holidays. I am Jewish, but celebrate EVERYTHING! That's not being hypocritical; that's being LOVING!! My menorah goes up, the CHristmas decorations go up, and the house smells of spices and fruit. Oh yes! I dearly love the holidays. Even though I am a hot weather person, the holidays give me something to look forward to as the winter winds blow. Of course, they don't blow too cold here in South Texas. LOL!!!
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I tolerate the holidays. I loved Christmas as a child, even though my birthday happens to be the day after. I actually like Thanksgiving much better as an adult, no dealing with all the presents and all the shopping and stress and of course, the spending money. Do I wish for January? Heck no! After Christmas I start wishing in earnest for spring! LOL
I do know I am sick and tired of being asked about Thanksgiving. I swear my husband is afraid he is going to go hungry because one year my mother made dinner but was sick. We drove to her house and took everything home to eat.
I would love to have a Christmas where everyone would just get one or 2 presents. Shopping can be so stressful.
I also get turned off by the holidays because of my mother. My parents divorced in 1983. My mother was remarried for 8 years, then divorced. My father never remarried. I have one older brother. My parents are the only grandparents the 5 grandchildren have left alive.
Generally, they can tolerate each other for the kids birthdays. But holidays are different. There's been some serious dysfunctional crap going on the past 4 years. It is ridiculous. You'd think it was 1983 again and they were newly divorced.
My mother doesn't seem to get it. My sil cancelled Christmas dinner one year because of all the stress my mother was causing with her and my father. Everything is her feelings. And she is one who will tell you to "put yourself in the other person's shoes." Yeah, right.
Last year, she decided it was okay for all of us to have Thanksgiving dinner together but not Christmas. There is no reason in that. I don't get it. My father got upset over some remarks my mother had made about him and left the dinner table. The kids were in tears. I was working 3rd shift last year and slept thru dinner.
I'd love to tell my mother to put on her big girl panties and suck it up for the sake of her grandchildren and kids. It is not my problem how she gets along with my father. She got pissed at me when I told her that. She doesn't want to own it.
I told her they had made the decision to divorce years ago. My brother and I had no control in that decision. But we did the best we could with what happened. And this is what we do each year. Try to do the best we can with what we have.
Best of blessings to you in how you decide to approach it this year. Hopfully not to much focus on the hate as that makes it harder.
Blessin's strength and courage to you
