The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night while I was journaling a quote came to me that one of my students use, "I don't know why I am doing this to my self!" This quote hit me hard. One of my students, an obsessed & compulsive eater, uses it everytime he gets caugth stealing food. His words, in the past, have been incoherent to me. I have tried to put myself in his shoes and couldn't understand why he would "do that to himself".
Well, I ask myself the same thing right now... WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?
Why am I shutting down to everytthing I know is good and helpful for my life and my progress? Why am I so scared? Even though the other night I came up with a million awarenesses, and realized how much progress I have made... I am internally refusing to take any self caring steps for me. I'm afraid to pick up the phone or even stay in the room. I'm one giant ball of nerves. I've even worked myself into a few panic attacks. I'm mad at myself for these actions but uncertain how to get the 'healthier me' back. I can't keep going down this road for I know the end is not good, not good for me or my family. I can feel my frazzled being slowly slipping away and need a hand getting back.
Sometimes it is just easier to stay the path we are walking, it takes much strength and courage to change....remember progress not perfection.....the over eater is so true to the facts about addiction...addicts will do anything to get what they need....no matter what.
I think some of the reason we "keep doing this to ourselves" is that it is just so much easier than being willing to do whatever it takes to get off the destructive path. At least with me it is.
I am one of those compulsive eaters and that is probably why I can have so much compassion for my A son. To me...there is not any difference except the chosen substance. I find with my depression that I am always wondering if it is because of my son's problem or is it because of mine or is it both. I am so exhausted trying to figure it all out and just want to be able to live the life I want to live.
I am right there with you when you talk about shutting down to all the good and helpful things in your life. I don't know that I am scared but there is something stopping me from moving forward.
I hope you can find the strength to open yourself up to those good things.
You have my/our support and you can always call on your HP to give you strength to take the next steps throughout the day.
I know, it is baffling sometimes - it is so easy to focus on everyone else and what they ought to do but so much harder for ourselves - and there is where we must begin. Once we admit we are powerless and seek help, we are starting our recovery and understanding for ourselves one step at a time.
You are never alone! Thinking of you - and hugs to you
I think for me whenever I am indulging, knowingly, in a destructive behavior, it is because the behavior is familiar. It is because the behavior is "Safe" some how. And for some reason or another I'm not ready to get honest and take steps, however small, to change the behavior.
I'm afraid I'll get burned by my own self expectations if I initiate change.
I'm afraid I'll become discouraged by the pace of my progress, and lack there of, if I initiate change.
I'm afraid that I'll awaken other, buried behaviors, feelings, and thoughts that I have taken great pains to silence over the years because of the emotional disturbance that's attached to them.
I'm afraid I'll learn more about myself which is emotionally painful to learn about, and eventually I'll "know too much;" "learn too much;" or simply "not be able to cope."
Notice the pattern of fear? Rather than trusting that I am being given an exact amount in proportion to my abilities, I again assume that god is incompetent and incapable and I need to do his job for him, advise how he should do his job, or supervise how he does his job. Rather than actually letting him do his job, I interfere, take control of my life, and create my own misery. I return to the comfort of the discomfort, and wonder why I'm miserable.
The answer is simple. I never gave god a chance to do his job.
My therapist said that sometimes we get pretty powerful reinforcement when we continue doing what we are doing.
Example: One of the best things to help someone with fibromyalgia is daily exercise. It's a fact. As any doctor, physical therapist, or read any article about this "syndrome."
However, many people with fibromyalgia won't exercise. They get a lot of sympathy from others - and in some cases they get people to do everything for them. Unconsciously, they think if they are no longer in pain, they won't get the attention they are getting now - and they would have to do things for themselves.
Then my therapist asked me some questions that I had to go off and answer for myself:
What would you lose if you stopped doing this to yourself?
What would you gain if you stopped doing this to yourself?
Once I made a list to answer these questions, I was able to begin recovery.
One day at a time Sandie. Steps 1,2,& 3 help me very much when I feel as though I am in a downhill slide and the darn brakes don't work. Step 1,2,& 3 fix my brakes and I am able to STOP.
I cannot worry about what is ahead. I don't know what is ahead. While I am sliding downhill and worring about my fall at the end, I am missing things along the way to grab on to and STOP me in that moment.
The impact hasn't happened yet. I am worried how bad I will be hurt when the crash hits. All the while, I am not foucused on the bumps and bruises along the way.
Sandie, When I get myself in the pickle you seem to be in, I sit down and relax. I think about what I can do for the next 15 minutes ( or two minutes) that will make me feel better.
Sometimes I make a short To Do list, what do I like, not what should I do or be.
If you try this approach , it may help.
Maybe eventually a little counseling therapy would be of help to you tool
