The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been 2 weeks since I separated from my A after 7years. He is living with a friend. He calls me and leaves nice messages in the mornings (sober) and at night he calls irrate.
I have kept my boundaries. I haven't seen him. When he is nice and saying how much he misses me, I just say, "I'm sorry, but you need to get sober in order to have a life with me."
But when he has been drinking, all he talks about is getting a house so our dog can come live there. I can't help but feel he just liked the life I provided him. He makes comments about how the relationship had gone downhill lately and all I cared about was my business. I didn't "love" him enough or spend time with him. But when I write this I realize how sick he really is....What about all the hours he chose to be at a bar while I was at home waiting? I realize this is alcohol and disease talking. But it still hurts.
Hearing him sound more concerned about the dog than me makes me feel that my decision to get away from the relationship was the right thing. But then I also feel used.
Please try and remember love has absolutely nothing to do with it.....addiction takes total control of the people we love......I have been married for 20 yrs....known my hub for 35 yrs.....we are getting a divorce......I can remember asking myself the very same question.....did he really love me......well yes he did....and this I am sure of....the saddest part of addiction is what it does to families.....do not misunderstand I beleive there comes a time when an addict has a choice....the sad thing is some addicts never take the right one and never get sober.....and we as well have a choice....wheather to live in the world of addiction...or move forward.
Just keep doing what you are doing.....take each day as it comes....go easy on yourself I know the pain is great....does it pass....well....I think it must afterall, anything has to be easier than living with active addiction...
My father also mentions the dogs alot when he's really lonely and wants me around. Because people who are abusing substances can't often attach emotions to needs, can't be direct about needs, can't be honest about their needs, its easier to say that "others" need us.
Others being animals. Plants. Children, sometimes.
But, as you observed, this does nothign for the overall dysfunction. It simply serves to feed into the over all insanity. We tend to go in, out of concern for the "others" and get drawn into the insanity. And we kick ourselves for not having the insight to "know better."
It is important to realize that even if the "others" need us, a significant portion of the time, the "others" are fine. They do not need a "knight in armor" to intervene. The dogs, I have found out, are excited when I am with them; but they also sense that I will not visit if Dad is around. I will be there when Dad is not there. I will be there when it is me and them. They have also developed a sense that when Dad IS there, the attention they would have otherwise will be diverted to him; so, they win all the more when it is just me and them, because, simply put, they have a monopoly on my attention.
If the "others" are small children, however, ethical questions arise. What safety issues are involved? Is it possible that the children are being neglected or abused? What can I safely do on behalf of the children while still staying detached? While still minding my own business? A professional can advise you on such situations, if they arise.
The As in my life spent so much time making me feel like I was dirt and rubbish that I always felt guilty - like I never did enough to earn their love.
I also post on the ACOA board. What I learned there is that the As in our life only love us as much as they are able to love. They do not love us the way we want (or need) to be loved.
Their drug of choice (whether it is alcohol or any other substance that is being abused) is affecting their body - and their mind. My daughter, brother and mother lost days - weeks - months of their lives because they were so out of it. They don't have any memory of the pain they inflicted.
Long-term use has caused my brother's brain to be completely fried. There's only so much poison a body can take. It's sad that my brother chose that life, but he did. No one, not me, not my father, not my mother, not his best friend, NO ONE was able to help him see how he was killing himself slowly. How can anyone love us the way we want or need to be loved when they are so into their drug/alcohol?
