The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So much has been going on this past week. My mother has really let go, w/ the help of one of the physical therapist my father allowed us to admit her to the hospital. She has been there for four days and is being moved to a nursing home for two weeks. Then she'll be back home. I hate medicare....I hate insurance companies. The upside is my father is accepting some of this, he wasn't able to convince any of the Drs. that mom's going to get better, augh. He has signed a DNR order and refused a feeding tube. I am grateful for that, and I'm grateful for hospice care. It's Tuesday, I can't believe it's Tuesday. hmmm
Thru all of this my A has been unusually kind, it's like he's been able to keep it together for almost 2 wks. He's been here a lot. I even went to a meeting last night and he watched the kids -- that is incredible. I really needed that meeting.
I've been so exhausted lately that I've let in the insanity though. Most of you know I'm to see a lawyer in 2 wks, it's something I'm doing for me that I feel needs to be done, I have peace w/ it. Only he's been here so often, being this great guy, making out like everything "okay" I'm okay/your okay kind of thing. It's so bad that this piece of property that adjoins ours -- one that I've desired since we've lived here -- came up in conversation several time and the A says WE should buy it. He's always wanted it, I've always wanted it -- "we could work it out." I actually bought into that for about 24 hrs. LOL What was I thinking. I work on an allowance from him, have no real idea what he makes etc. It's like he's teasing me with something I've always wanted, at one of the worst possible times for me w/ my mothers illness and my lack of sleep. I'd like to think it is innocent, only I've known him tooooo long. It's a way to stop me from doing anything, a way to keep things the same, which is easier for him. I can't live this way.
Tonight though I saw it, and I kicked myself for about 30 min for it. He's playing me. Augh, makes me sick. He was really great yesterday -- for a while now --- that I actually let him see that it was "working" and he looked at me like he had me. I hate this disease.
There was a time that I would have fallen into this crap so much quicker, and I'd have had the rug pulled out from under my feet so quickly that it would hurt me for a long time, I'd feel like I was starting all over again. I don't tonight. I know what this is. It sucks, I wish I could have his support during this time, without it being something manipulative too. The truth is, I do need help. There are not enough hours in the day to take care of all of things going on right now. I know this won't last forever and there will be a day that my life has gotten back to a regular rhythm, but how I wish that I didn't have to ask him for anything. Isn't that awful, I can't even ask him to help w/ the kids without there being something else thrown into it?
I'm tired. Today is much better than yesterday, which was much better than the day before that. I have many things to be grateful for. And tomorrow I pray will be better than today.
I can honestly tell you I know how you feel, my husband played me for a long time.... even when I knew what he was doing I ignored it for a long time.....what a way is that to live....always wondering....always waiting....never being able to count on or trust our husbands...wow
Luna, I hope your mom comes home soon, and you can relax a little about her and get yourself some rest...
The stress of this disease is enough to drive us right over the edge...the thing is we have the power to turn our direction......it is our life.....we can choose how to live....or should I say wheather to live....or just hide in the world of addiction...
I definintely pray for you a better day today. I am so sorry that you Mom is ill. My mother keeps saying " it's rough getting old..." and it is. It is very hard to be a bystander too.
As far as the "im ok/your ok... we can work things out", that is my day to day life right now. It is hard to know what they are really thinking, and why should we have to try and figure that out.
For me it is a little more cut and dry for the moment - your not sober... i'm not ok/I hope you'll be ok. But I do the same thing you do. I hope it gets better for you.
Take extra good care of you, you deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I react to hearing future ideas or plans from my A sometimes too. Just hearing he has a future gives me a burst of something, and thinking it may be together adds more to it. Reality comes back though after a short time and I know there are no future plans, there will be no follow thru until he is sober. If even then, so many other problems are there that I do not want a part of my life. It stinks i can fall into that fantasy pattern so fast, I'm just glad I see it for what it is faster now.
I'm sorry about your Mom. I hate the stress medicare and insurance companies add to an already stressful situation. I hope you and your Dad can find some peaceful time to spend with your Mom.
